Do This While Your Child Is Looking at People With Disabilities.
Children are naturally curious – that’s a wonderful thing. But they also haven’t mastered social cues. This can cause parental discomfort. Daniel T. Willingham is the father of 15-year-old Asprey, who has a rare chromosomal disorder called trisomy-18. She cannot walk or talk. Cognitively, she is comparable to a 9 month old baby. Over the years, Willingham has seen the same thing happen over and over again: Mom or Dad would notice their little child looking at Esprit and immediately get embarrassed. They may try to distract or push the child away. Perhaps they will reproach out of earshot: “It’s not good to look.”
Willingham’s advice to these well-meaning parents is: Stop doing this. It hurts more than you think. While he notes that every situation is different, he shares how you and your children can better interact with children with disabilities and their families.
Encourage your kids to say hello
What is painful for children with disabilities, and therefore for parents of children with disabilities, is isolation, Willingham said. “In a way, it’s not that bad,” he tells me. “The bad thing is,” Let me take my baby away from yours. ” Our children crave social interaction. There are very few children with the same mental disabilities as my daughter, but she still wants to be around other people, and this is not enough for her. ” He says everyone knows that a four-year-old cannot be expected to understand norms the way adults do – they will look you in the eye. So when you see this happening, you can just say, “Let’s walk around and say hi.” If they’re too nervous, the wave is okay. “In a way, admit it’s human,” says Willingham.
Let them ask questions
Often children ask Willingham and his wife, “She can’t speak?” or “Can’t she walk?” Either they sometimes ask what Esprit is on her chest (she wears orthopedic insoles on her belly, which they like to call a “tortoise shell”), or is she sleepy (her eyes have an extra fold). Willingham welcomes this curiosity. “These are old things that don’t bother us in the least,” he says. “This is a way to educate children and the public about children with disabilities. And Esprit loves when children come up to her. “
Invite your family to your events
When Asprey was a few months old, Willingham’s wife Trisha was invited to a variety of parties. But the invitations stopped as soon as other kids started doing things that Esprit couldn’t, like sitting down on her own. Willingham says people shouldn’t be afraid to send invitations to children with disabilities. “You know, it’s okay to ask, ‘Hey, I’m going to do this. Will Esprit like it? These are scheduled activities – which ones are right for her and how can we make it work? “He says that parents of children with disabilities understand very well what would be – and would not be – comfortable for their children. In his case, he can ask if there will be shade at the event (Esprit is sensitive to sunlight) and can bring his own food. “Parents want to be invited in the future, so they will try to make it easier for you.”
Avoid difficult questions
While parents are often happy to talk about their children with disabilities, there are obviously questions to avoid. “It is very likely that Esprit will die before my wife and I die,” says Willingham. “I want to think about it from time to time by choice. When you have a child with a disability, you don’t want to think about the big picture all the time. “
He adds: “Life expectancy is really high for a child with severe autism. Therefore, asking a friend: “Where will she live when she becomes an adult?” is a terrible question. Obviously, this is very difficult and emotional, and it is very likely that you don’t know what the hell is the answer when the child is 9 years old. Just ask how she’s doing. ” He also suggests not giving full attention to a child with a disability, especially if she has siblings. (Willingham has two other daughters, 11 and 13 years old.) “Just say, ‘How is everyone at home? “”
Don’t turn your parents into martyrs
“You are hero”. “I can never do what you do.” “God only gives children like Esprit to special parents.” These are comments that often upset Willingham and other parents of children with disabilities. Willingham is happy to have Esprit around – he definitely doesn’t feel like a hero. And he absolutely does not need your reflections on the scheme of the universe. “It doesn’t sound like [the statements] are truly offensive, but they raise questions that I’m usually not eager to think about when I’m on the beach with you.”
The biggest idea, he says, is that it’s not difficult. So don’t overcomplicate. “Talk to the child,” he says. “Say,“ Hey, how are you? What’s your name?’ That’s all. And let’s see what happens. Jump. “