How to Tell Your Partner That They Are Doing Something in Bed That You Don’t Like
Do you remember the bridesmaids scene where Annie from Christine Wiig feels like Ted from John Hamm? He kneads her breasts as if they were a test, trying to prove that he is a better lover than her fictional lovemaker George Glass. It’s clear that Annie hates every second. And yet she doesn’t say anything.
Like Annie, many of us find it difficult to speak in the bedroom, even when our partner is doing what we despise. If your partner does something in bed that you don’t like, whether it’s a minor annoyance or a bigger issue, here’s your guide to talk about it.
Join Speaking Up
First, you must believe in trying to convince your partner to do something different in the bedroom. For many people, this topic raises questions of self-esteem. Let’s be clear: you deserve a treat in the bedroom. If there is something that you need or are interested in, you deserve to experience it. Your partner has the right to have their own boundaries around who they are or are not open to, but that does not detract from the fact that you deserve pleasure.
It is also worth remembering that asking for a friend in the bedroom does not mean that your partner is unwell in bed. There is no universal perfection in bed. Instead, each couple must figure out how their boundaries, desires, and pleasures fit together. The question is not, “How can I tell my partner that he is bad in bed?” It’s “How can I teach my partner how can I have more pleasure, connection, playfulness, or passion in bed?”
Be mindful of security issues
It would be an oversight if I didn’t mention the fact that many survivors of sexual assault struggle to give sexual feedback or to assert their boundaries. Sexual abuse teaches you that your boundaries and desires are not important, and that this pattern can persist long after the abuse. If you find yourself allowing your partner to do something that is unsafe for you, it is extremely important to talk about it right away and act much less delicately than I will recommend in the rest of this article. You can read my other articles on how to deal with the consequences of sexual assault , or talk to a therapist about it.
Do it sooner rather than later
I know that talking with your partner about sex can seem awkward or intimidating, but I am a strong advocate of talking as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more difficult it becomes to raise the issue. It’s much easier to give feedback right away than after they’ve done this particular action for years or decades.
Come up with alternatives
It doesn’t help just to tell someone that what they are doing sucks, especially in the bedroom. This is a surefire way to offend your partner. Instead, you want to suggest alternatives. Come up with alternative ideas that you could try with your partner. These may be things that you already know, or they may be completely new ideas. For example, suppose your partner is using strong pressure and direct contact with your clitoris and it seems too strong. You may already know that you want your partner to use more delicate touch. Or, you might suggest experimenting with a new smear that you haven’t tried yet, such as a circular motion around the clitoris instead of going beyond it.
If you’re struggling to come up with ideas, try reading articles on sexual technique for inspiration. Or try exploring your own body or masturbating to get a better understanding of what you like.
Keep in mind that these should be just ideas, not things that no doubt you will 100% enjoy. You don’t need to give your partner a complete plan for achieving your sexual pleasure.
Have a conversation outside the bedroom
If possible, try to talk to your partner outside the bedroom when you are not in an intimate relationship. It is much more difficult not to be defensive or offended when you hear feedback at the moment. Separating feedback from actual sexual activity will make the conversation easier and inspire your partner to take action. For example, you might say something like, “I saw this article on the Internet today about sex positions and thought it would be really interesting to experiment with some new ideas. What do you think?”
Make positive inquiries
When it comes to feedback, it’s easier to ask someone to keep doing what they are already doing, or to do something new, than to tell them to stop doing something. So, if possible, try to frame your requests that way. For example, instead of “You never waste time doing foreplay,” you might say, “I love it when you kiss my neck, and I wish you could take even more time to keep me warm” or “You’re so good at hands. What if we tried to massage each other as a foreplay? “
Give a lot of compliments
As you can see from the examples above, it’s great to compliment your requests. We are all nervous about our performance in the bedroom, and compliments can reduce that anxiety in many ways. Chances are, your partner does a lot of things, so why not try to get them to do it even more?