What to Say When Someone Starts to Defend Themselves
A defensive response is a natural response when we feel attacked. It makes sense that we want to protect ourselves from physical harm or verbal criticism and accusations. However, in conversation, a defensive reaction can quickly destroy any hopes of understanding and moving forward. Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman even consider this to be one of four communication problems that can damage or end a relationship.
The defensive response may appear well-reasoned, but it can also take other forms , such as denial, avoidance, lying, or gaslighting. This is usually a response to a perceived threat, according to Amanda Levison , a licensed professional consultant based in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. By defending ourselves, we protect ourselves and our feelings, and this is one of the ways to distract ourselves from responsibility and accountability for our actions when we are faced with them.
So how can you respond to a defensive stance?
Avoid retaliatory defensive actions
The meeting of the defensive reaction with the defense will rather lead to an escalation of tension than to its weakening. Saying “stop defending” or “don’t take it personally” probably won’t help either.
“Protective reaction usually occurs because of the fear of rejection or condemnation” – says Anna Poss , a licensed professional clinical counselor from Chicago. “Arguing with a defender, becoming defensive in turn, or judging them will confirm their concerns.”
Take some space
“When we defend ourselves, we act on the basis of emotion, not logic,” says Poss. Trying to reason with someone in the face of strong emotions is unlikely to be productive.
If the emotions are strong, you can take a break until you feel like you are in control (or until the person you are talking to does). Poss suggests taking a deep breath or counting to 10. You may need to leave, collect your thoughts, and return to the conversation later. In this case, tell the other person that you need space.
Add structure to your conversation
One way to manage defensiveness and associated dysregulation is to follow some basic rules of communication: listen, reflect, acknowledge, repeat. For example, you might agree that each person has the ability to speak without interruption while the other is listening. The listener can reflect what he heard and confirm the speaker’s feelings. Then switch.
Other ways to improve your communication include using self statements that explain what you are experiencing (rather than blaming the other person) and describe only the facts of the situation.
To ask questions
Poss recommends taking an interest in the other person’s point of view, which can help you take things less personally and avoid the perception that you are judging them. Ask questions with genuine interest and try to understand why they are defending themselves. If this is an answer to what you said or did, or your tone, admit it and try a different approach next time.
It takes some self-awareness and a willingness to admit that you may have been wrong to respond to a defensive reaction. It also requires empathy for the other person’s feelings. Of course, there can also be situations and relationships in which constant protection creates an unhealthy dynamic, and it is always helpful to get professional support if you need it.