How to Get Your Workaholic Spouse Back
We have a lot of time, especially after we become partners, with children or other family obligations. In an ideal world, it would be easy to prioritize relationships. For many, quitting work and being with family is not just difficult; work is addiction.
Why is a company or career so attractive? In theory, you do this to be able to support a loving family who wants to spend time with you at night and on weekends. Khe Hee of Rad Reads writes that workaholics walk on what is called “the edge of ambition.” We want to work hard enough to feel emotionally fulfilled, but not enough to create a “spiral of self-loathing, worry, and regret.”
Of course, how much you work may not always be your choice, but some people find it difficult to maintain balance and feel that more and more work is becoming the key to that emotional satisfaction.
If you feel like your partner is making this mistake – or you are someone who overdoes it during work hours – here are a couple of questions you can ask to shed light on the problem.
Abundance or scarcity
Huy believes that the way people get to the edge of the razor – and survive – depends in part on their views. Do they believe that there is abundance in the universe and that whatever they need will come to them? Here’s what allows you to put off work at the end of the day without feeling like it’s going to fall apart by morning:
On the other side of the razor blade is scarcity or the feeling that it isn’t enough. In The Soul of Money, Lynn Twist describes how scarcity leads us to believe that money, recognition, things to own, and status are never enough. Scarcity ties our self-worth to our own capital and thus makes us feel like we are not enough. Nobody wants to think that way, so keep your laptop open. We succumb to the seductive (but mistaken) thought that ONLY one more email will make us feel like we’re enough.
You need to know where someone is acting from. Maybe they’re just having a busy week; perhaps their sense of self has become too attached to their achievements, and this is a void that cannot be filled. Remind the workaholic of abundance in your life. It is a shift in perspective from constant dissatisfaction to enjoying what you already have and will have.
How much less can you work?
But this is not an entirely concrete shift. It may even require therapy or other intervention to change the way you define your self-esteem if it’s not work-related. So instead, think or ask your partner to think how much less they could realistically work if it didn’t actually change their outcome. This is probably more than they thought. Huy cites part of agent Michael Ovitz’s memoir, Who Is Michael Ovitz , to explain why people should view things as a percentage:
In 1979, when I was thirty-three, Ted Ashley of Warner Bros. took me aside and said, “I’ll give you great advice.” He grinned sadly. “And knowing you, you won’t accept it. But here it is: I could work ten percent less, and it would not affect my professional success. But I would be much happier.
I didn’t take it. Now I realize that I could have worked 20 percent less and I wouldn’t have to. If I worked 10 percent less in thirty years, that’s three whole extra years of life that I would get.
In fact, these extra days off at work probably won’t make a big difference in your career, especially if you do it every weekend. But other parts of your life will suffer, as will your memories, your pleasure. Try to set the percentage less than you would be able to work for yourself, and stick to it. This may be more than you think.
What To Do When Your Spouse Works Too Much | Red reads