Determine Your Teen’s Curfew by Working Backwards
When my son turned 13, he started spending more time outside our home. School kept him busy after school, and he and his buddies took turns hanging out in the basements to play video games on the weekends. In the past two years, he has spent most of his time away from home under the supervision of teachers or other parents, but as he matured into a full-fledged teenager, he developed a social life along with a severe case of acne.
When he first wanted to go to the movies with his parentsless friends, I was skeptical. Although he is already 15 years old, I didn’t know how to handle the logistics of picking up and dropping off a teenager who wanted to hang out with his buddies. He and his friends wanted to watch a movie and then go to a local diner for a bite to eat. When he was discussing car sharing with a friend, he said, “What time do I need to be home?” I was at a loss.
Since he is our first teenager, my husband and I never discussed curfews or knew what to do in this situation. On the one hand, we wanted our son to feel that he has the freedom to spend time with his friends away from our watchful eyes, but on the other hand, we know all too well that unattended teenagers can get into unpleasant situations.
So I did what I usually do in situations like this: I asked older friends for advice.
And one of my friends gave me great advice.
“The curfew should be smooth,” she said. She explained to me that the curfew you give to a 15-year-old not driving is very different from the curfew you give your student-age child who is at home on winter vacation. “Curfews have to grow with your child, or they never work,” she advised.
And it makes sense. When I was a teenager, my parents set a fixed curfew for me at 11:30 pm, which lasted until I came home from college to visit me. And it infuriated. We had a lot of controversy over the fact that I extended my timeout by half an hour here and there. Now that I am a parent of teenagers, I would not want to argue about what time they will return home.
Many states have mandatory curfews for teenage drivers, as well as laws on how late children can go out without an adult. Obviously, when it comes to imposing a permanent curfew for a teenager, local laws must be followed. In our state, licensed teens must be out of the road by 11 p.m., and while this helps us establish a specific curfew for the time being, our son will soon be allowed – by law – to be home after 11 p.m.
So what’s the best way for parents of teenagers to set a curfew that works for both sides?
Just work backwards
Start by deciding what time you want your 20-year-old to come home. If you’ve decided that your 20-year-old should be home by 1am when she’s home for the winter break, it makes sense to tell your 15-year-old.
If you just think about how the curfew will work when your kids grow up, it will be much easier to set a curfew when they first need guidance.
And, when your child knows his curfew will last as he ages, it will be easier for him to swallow early arrival times. Curfew helps teens develop time management skills and forces them to plan their evenings so they don’t rush home unsafely.
We had a lot of talk at home about curfews and enforcing our rules. We told our son that while we expect him to comply with our established curfew, we are also aware that sometimes there are road conditions or unexpected problems that prevent him from returning home on time. And that’s okay too.
We are currently holding one community event at a time and we will continue to work from now on. His current curfew is 11:30 pm and I would be lying if I said I couldn’t wait for him to leave. Because not going to bed until 11 pm is a long time to go to bed.