How to Shut Someone up Without Being an Asshole
I have some very good friends who speak very loudly in public. I am also a very good friend to some people who speaks very loudly in public. Both of these facts sometimes lead to awkward situations. I was traveling by multiple modes of public transportation with a friend who is screaming about her latest sexual conquest, and I had to ask her to put down the phone so that mothers could protect their children from us. I was that friend too, and I understand how embarrassing it is to be silenced in the midst of your passionate defense of The Last Jedi.
Shushing is inconvenient, even when and when necessary, and if done incorrectly, you can look like a bigger jerk than a person yelling on a cell phone in a restaurant. Silence can also lead to conflict: when people are shy, they tend to be defensive, and the situation escalates. But there are ways to calm someone down without being a jerk and causing a public brawl. Here’s how.
Don’t be a jerk about this!
The best way to not sound like an asshole is to not be an asshole. Sometimes people are loud because they want to, but most of the time, they just don’t realize their loudness. So, for example, if you are chatting with a friend and your friend is being too loud, you can silence him without challenging him.
“I think often people in general don’t necessarily realize how loud they are,” said Kelly Williams Brown, author of modern etiquette guides, Gracious and Adulting . “So, before you leave, and I’m not even going to say nuclear, but before you say, ‘Hey, hush! ”, Good advice – just start talking more quietly yourself. People in conversation often coincide with what their partner is doing. “
If you’re talking to the person you’re trying to silence, Mika Meyer , head of New York’s Beaumont Etiquette school of etiquette, says it’s helpful to assume you’re both too loud rather than just blaming your buddy. “The goal is not to point the finger. In that case, I would look around and whisper to my friend, “I think we can be a little loud,” Meyer informs us via email. “Not only does it instantly draw attention to the problem, but it also doesn’t give the impression that you are just correcting your friend.”
Ask nicely!
Sometimes lowering their own volume will not cause someone else to lower theirs. This is fine! If you feel obligated to ask them to be quiet, do so, but be straightforward and polite. Don’t blame.
For example, Brown said that if you are in a movie theater and a couple in front of you are chatting loudly, pat them gently on the shoulder and say, “I’m sorry, it’s really hard for me. time to listen to the movie. “
“This will be my first line,” Brown said. “My second line would be, ‘I still find it difficult to listen to the movie.’ Then it doesn’t blame anyone specifically. It may well be that they think they are being very quiet. “
Meyer added, “Make sure you speak in a low / non-confrontational tone and insert please as a polite measure.”
If this seems like a daunting task, note that it can work without causing any fights. Jay Ackley, 31, was once in a small concert hall listening to the band playing when he felt obligated to confront a destructive couple. “It was a really sweet, sweet song about the sad feelings of this very quiet band of about a dozen people,” he said. “There was a drunk couple and they liked the music, but they talked very loudly to each other.”
So Ackley decided to approach them. “I just turned around and said, ‘Sorry, your conversation is really distracting,’ with the most polite, most Minnesota smile I have,” he said. “They were dumbfounded and almost stopped talking.”
Note that if successful, this polite conversation benefits everyone. “Later, at the bar, I ran into the band’s singer and she said, ‘Thanks for that! I usually hate doing it from the stage, ”Ackley said. “I was glad she continued.”
Don’t blame anyone
As stated earlier, most people don’t know they are loud. Therefore, if you need someone to calm down, do not act as if they personally insulted you or did a serious injustice.
“Basically, when you ask people about something, you don’t want it to look like they’re jerks, like they’re doing something really bad or that they’re especially doing something to you,” he said. Brown. “I don’t think I’ve ever been loud to a random person. I’m just loud.
Instead, as Brown says, be conscientious. Tell the abuser instead of blaming him. “I approach it like we’re on the same team here, right? I want it to be a relatively quiet and peaceful environment, and you are probably not the kind of person who wants to destroy this environment for other people, ”said Brown.
Some examples of this approach are:
“Hi, I’m sorry, but I have hearing problems, can you chat at a lower volume?”
“Hey, I know you’re not doing this on purpose, but it’s a little loud, can you take it down a notch?”
“Maybe we should be a little quieter, we can disturb people.”
If necessary, transfer to a higher level, but only through an authority figure.
Sometimes, no matter how well you ask, someone won’t shut up. In this case, you can aggravate the situation, but do not do it yourself. If a loud criminal doesn’t respond to your polite suggestions, he probably won’t respond to your shout to shut him up either. Also, if you start screaming, then you are the one making noise, and you both lose the upper hand anddisturb of people around you.
So finding an Adult is not a bad idea. For example, if the chatter in the theater is still too loud after two warnings, Brown suggests finding an assistant. “Their job is to maintain order. And if I politely try twice, this is not the hill I will die on, ”she said. “I paid for the ticket. I’m not going to fight people about it, but I’m not going to feel bad about escalating after saying something politely twice. ” If you are in a restaurant, you can ask the waiter to change your table. If you’re at a concert, find a bouncer. Don’t get the cops involved, please.
Sometimes it’s best to do nothing
The essence of living with other people is that sometimes they will annoy you. You can ask people to calm down, but sometimes they don’t want to, sometimes they can’t, and sometimes you just need to put on your headphones and relax.
“A much better solution than trying to control other people’s behavior – what can I do to make myself more comfortable in this situation? How can I make my sound environment the way I want it without relying on my ability to control other people’s behavior? “Brown said. “This can be a really tough battle.”
If you’re in a movie or anywhere else where loud conversation gets in the way of your ability to hear, Meyer says, hurry up. But “if it doesn’t bother you to the point that it doesn’t affect the quality of your experience, or you can still hear or enjoy the performance or show, I would personally ignore it,” she added.
For example, I’m always angry with people who play their music out loud on the subway, but I’m not going to talk to strangers in such a confined space. Instead, I plug in my own headphones and either turn on white noise (if I’m reading) or turn on my music and ignore it because it’s just one trip and I’ll forget how annoyed I am by the time I get to the place. destination. It’s the same with metro preachers, SHOWTIME dancers and noisy tourists. People are making noise. This is not the end of the world.