How to Part With Kindness
Sometimes at the end of a relationship, we’re so sure we don’t want to have anything to do with the other person that we are happy to scorch the earth with a conversation about the breakup. But it’s probably best to do it with some empathy and empathy.
Lately I’ve heard stories of long-term relationships ending unexpectedly for no clear reason; the relationship ended through text. There may not be a “good” way to part with someone, but we must be able to limit the carnage. In theory, this is someone you once cared about; do not send them back to the world in a worse condition than when they met. Breakups require recovery, but they shouldn’t leave you mentally traumatized!
Lior Gotesman is the Co-Founder and COO of Relationship Hero and a relationship coaching app that helps people overcome relationship difficulties – they see as many breaks as you can imagine. Here is his advice to cut the cord as gently as possible.
Plan ahead
While things can go wrong, try to script what you are about to say. This will help you stay focused while your emotions build up, which is likely to happen; even if you feel ready to move on, the breakup is frustrating on both sides. According to Gotesman, these are the points you should hit:
I would encourage people to prepare for what they are going to say and how they are going to say it. The conversation should include a few things they value about the other person, a clear statement that they don’t want to stay in the relationship anymore, and an honest explanation of why they decided to break up.
This is also pretty much my advice on avoiding second dates, as they are the basic building blocks of being good with other people.
Think about what you would like to hear
Gotesman advises trying to put yourself in their shoes if you still can’t figure out what the scenario should be:
They should show compassion in their speeches and be mindful of what they can evoke in the other. They can imagine how they would feel if they were the ones who took part in the conversation about the breakup.
Just don’t get carried away when you fantasize about being dumped:
But there is a limit to how much they can soften the blow, and they must be firm in their resolve and honest about their feelings.
You’re trying to end the relationship, so stay on course.
Try to do it personally
I’m just saying this – if you are not afraid for your safety, you should go on a journey to say all this to your significant other personally, preferably in a place where they will not be humiliated if they cry. A park, a living room, somewhere relatively secluded where you don’t have to wait to split the bill before both of you can leave.
Don’t blame (even if they deserve it)
It’s difficult; sometimes we are the ones who create problems in the relationship because we are not ready, life is too crazy, or we have our own problems to solve. But often they really are . Even so, Grotesman advises you to frame your problems with the other person based on your own choices, because if you give the impression that they can change to please you, they may try to do so. You also pretend it’s their decision when it’s really yours:
For example, you blame another person when you say: “I cannot be with you because you cheated on me” or “I am breaking up with you because you are a cheat.” Instead of blaming, take responsibility for your breakup decision: “I can’t be with you because you cheated on me, and maintaining the relationship is against my personal values.”
Parting is a personal decision, not a consequence of someone else’s actions. By accusing the other of the breakup, he wrongfully makes the breakup decision. Not only will they feel more offended by taking the blame, but they will think they can fix the gap with their actions. They can go to great lengths to try to repair any damage they have done in order to cause a rift. This can sometimes turn into an unhealthy obsession and prevent them from accepting reality. This mistake is easy to avoid, but hard to get rid of.
Of course, there are times when we truly love someone and want them to change a certain behavior or attitude so that we can continue the relationship; after all, you cannot make anyone different. You can only make the right choice and say goodbye to compassion.