Avoid Unhealthy Rejection Reactions
So you were rejected. Maybe someone turned you down, maybe you got dumped, maybe your partner asked for “space.” How do I get them back? Do not.
In an email to Lifehacker, James Annner, LMHC, and co-owner of CORE Relationship Recovery in West Palm Beach, Florida, explained why romantic rejection is so difficult for people to deal with. Annir works with patients recovering from broken relationships, which is why he sees many people go through the same stages of grief:
How we perceive rejection depends a lot on how gentle we are from the start, especially if we didn’t get what we needed in childhood or in an early relationship. Everyone has basic emotional needs: to be needed, to be loved, to be worthy, and to feel some kind of power / control over their lives (empowered).
Annir says that when we react to rejection in an unhealthy way, it is because we have become too reliant on external confirmation. If you are worried that someone rejected you, it means that you need to work on how you find value within yourself, on your own.
But there’s another reason so few people have these inner resources – we’re taught that giving up is just the first step to winning someone over in a rom-com fantasy. Is not! This is how you take rejection as a firm no.
Don’t back down
There are times when we do not accept rejection, because we are in a strange temporary place – someone dumped you, but they still want to be friends. Someone dumped you but they still want to have sex ?! You may think this is a “favorable moment” for a future revival, but Annir warns that this is a mistake:
After a romantic relationship, friendship may continue, but, most likely, it will always have a tinge of what it could have been: one person feels love, and the other does not, and so on. This can be very, very difficult and generally not very useful. This can hinder further progress.
And when it comes to sex, this is a big ban:
No matter how you tell yourself that sex was great and you just want it again, unconditionally; the sex was probably great because of the emotional attachment. It won’t [be] the same … or, if so, you felt emotional attachment again … You reinserted your heart, rejected it again, and then ignored it due to causal, meaningless sex, which if you Then do not set boundaries, can continue, setting you up for more rejection and a sense of being used.
Be honest with yourself about what you do when you agree to befriend or have casual sex with your ex. If you think this is the path to reconciliation, you are almost certainly heading for new rejection.
Trust them the first time
Communication is one of the most important components of any relationship. Without this, we are subject to all kinds of misunderstandings, resentment and general suffering. Communication requires making yourself vulnerable and saying what’s in your heart; it also takes trust. When someone says something to you, believe that he means it. If you need clarification, it’s fair to ask for it, but not forever. Annir says messing around over and over is a bad idea:
Reaching out to you after the relationship is over. The question arises: why? What do I need from my ex-partner? We have basic needs that we look for from the outside, especially if they were not met at an early age, and that we need to develop from within. This cannot be done if we are constantly hoping or trying to rekindle the ended relationship.
If you keep texting or calling someone else long after your breakup, you don’t need clarification. You need to move on.
Don’t try to get them back
Romantic comedies teach us that if you really want to be with someone, you have to make a big romantic gesture. Romance is not scary in itself; when you love someone and they love you, it’s nice to take the time to enjoy and express that love. Well, you would be pleased if not everyone was watching. But if the love you feel is not mutual, the romantic gesture is usually just creepy and weird.
If your (ex) partner specifically said, “I need you to do xyz, and then we can talk about getting back together,” you know what you need to do: xyz . They told you why the relationship went wrong, and you can accept it or leave it. However, if they just said they weren’t interested, showing up with five dozen roses at their work isn’t cute. This is persecution.
Let go of self-esteem
According to Annir, one of the reasons people react so strongly to romantic rejection is because we try to show our best side in relationships:
When we meet someone, we represent the best of us. This usually does not include what we consider to be our shortcomings. The things that we are ashamed of, of which we think, make us less, or fear may be a reason for rejection.
In fact, when someone rejects what we think is our best in ourselves, it hurts even more than when it comes to our shortcomings (real or imagined). If you’re recovering from this pain, Annir has a tip for the future: When you’re dating someone new, quit pretending and really be yourself:
As scary as it is, this is a way to actually meet someone who might mistake you for all of you (that’s okay, maybe it’s okay if there are things you are working on to change) and start a possible relationship on the right foot: honest. Image management is a sales job, it’s natural and normal, but it doesn’t show who you really are, and is a preparation for subsequent rejection. There are no “perfect” partners – there are people with their incredible gold and their own shortcomings. We all deserve to be heard, seen, respected and loved. We also deserve it from ourselves.
You have to let go not only of the person, but also of your imaginary self. If you really think about it, this might be what is really so frustrating about rejection. Instead, try to want someone else to love you.