How to Protect Your Child Without Being Persistent
We know our children best. We know their strengths and weaknesses, their talents and reasons. It can be easy for us parents to see how small schedule changes or policy changes can help our children do better in school. And it’s our job to protect our children, right?
On the other hand, there is a fine line between “defense” and “persistence.” So how – and when – can you take part in your child’s education without being overbearing or going too far?
Be active where it matters
I know that my son will behave quite well at school all year long, except for September and January, two months when he returns to class after a long break.
I can also tell you that he will have one of the best handwriting in the class, he will think that literacy classes are boring (even if he likes to read), he will be too physically ill from time to time during recess and he will easily acquire new math skills. Do I tell all this to his teacher at the beginning of the school year? Nope. These are the little things that she will decide for herself.
What I said to the teachers at the beginning of the school year (or in points throughout the year) about factors that can affect his emotional state and therefore his behavior. We had been foster parents for several years, so whenever we got a new job – and especially when a child who had been with us for a significant amount of time left our home – I spoke to his teachers. Not to justify any particular behavior, but to provide context for what he was dealing with at home that they would not otherwise have known about.
In my experience, teachers are grateful that they know what their students might be facing, and this helps them to communicate better with our children. KS, a parent of our Parenting Kids group on Facebook , says she applied the same tactic to her daughter, who was struggling with severe anxiety that manifested itself in extreme fear of failure.
“Partly my goal was to educate him (the teacher) about past difficulties, partly to inform him about current difficulties, partly to demand special attention in the way he spoke to her about her work,” says KS. “When we had a parent-teacher conference for several months of the year … he was able to tell me in much more detail about some of the areas in which he noticed her concerns, such as the fact that she was very slow to start writing for her daily notebook. and the emphasis he made for her and for the whole class that making mistakes is okay. “
Start at the bottom
The quickest way to exacerbate a homework or behavior problem (and create future conflicts) is to jump over the teacher’s head and contact the school administration right away. This is less like collaboration than gossip. In addition, we are all a little less succinct in our communication than when we communicate digitally, so first make an appointment with the teacher at school to discuss your concerns.
Don’t come to a meeting armed with a wealth of scientific research about homework or arguing about why you need to reschedule lunchtime because your day care center can’t go so long without food. Chances are, the teacher already agrees with you and has ideas on how to meet your child’s individual needs without requiring a new school-wide policy.
If the problem is behavioral, ask the teacher if it is possible to include a school counselor – sometimes a slightly outside perspective can help, and the counselor can also meet with the student and provide support.
(Also, for the sake of clarity: I’m not talking about special education or safety issues here, such as bullying. school and district levels.)
Keep your point of view
I’m a naturally anxious person with a gift for worrying about what’s going on, what might happen, and what probably won’t happen (but it can!). When I am particularly worried about something as unpleasant as, say, being late for a meeting, I ask myself: will it matter in a week? Within a month? For five years? Usually the answer – even for a week – is loud, of course no.
Use the same test when asking yourself if you should get involved because Jimmy was included on the junior university basketball team even though he is devastated and you know he deserves it. Will a year in junior high reduce Jimmy’s chances of growing as a player and teammate, and in the long term as a successful adult? Or is it a potential opportunity for him to become a leader in this team?
Carrie Bauer, who teaches middle and high school students in New York, writes for Slate’s parenting advice column that intervention is the difference between good advocacy and “this parent.” She offers another example:
Most high schools offer some sort of honor society that recognizes successful students. These organizations are selective in nature, with selection criteria and an admission system that takes into account teachers’ views of the student’s character. Every year potential students are accepted or rejected, and every year, like clockwork, calls come in from the parents of the students who have not been accepted, asking that the selection committee reconsider its decision.
This propaganda has the desired effect; In my experience, the student in question is more likely to be reconsidered and accepted if a parent intervenes, especially if that parent has been particularly assertive and persistent. But is now the right time to intervene? I do not think so.
Now is not the time to get involved because your child will probably be okay in the end. Maybe you even have a legitimate argument that the outcome was unfair. But, as my dad liked to say when I was a child: life is not fair .
Consider redirecting your energy
Be aware of any inherent privileges you and your child already have when it comes to their education. Parenting Group member Michelle said her outlook on protecting her child in school changed dramatically after she read Despite the Best of Intentions: How Racial Inequality Thrives in Good Schools .
“As white means parents, advocating for our children’s interests must balance the accumulation of opportunities with our requests for something special or outside the normal process,” says Michelle. “I usually start by asking questions and following a standard protocol, and then if I still don’t get what I think I want, it might be worth asking why I think my child still needs it. “.
This constant pursuit of more is what Bauer describes as an often “inefficient use of capital”:
I find it hard to empathize when families, already enjoying many benefits both at school and outside, work so vigilantly to provide even more for themselves. I understand the tendency to give as much as possible for my child, but I do not believe that this degree of individualism is the goal of public education. I would like the parents to spend some of that time and energy to organize for the purposes that will benefit all children, for example, funding, or programming or improving access to technology, rather than to seek additional opportunities for your child’s position in the 99-m percentile.
It’s a balance that we all need to keep in mind: what they need and what they deserve and what you want .