How to Start Figuring Out If You Want to Have Kids
The ability to actively decide whether or not to have children is a huge privilege. It can also be one of the toughest decisions you can make. Ann Davidman is a family therapist who works as a “motherhood and clarity mentor” for people struggling with these choices, and she shared some of her advice on this with Lifehacker.
The Washington Post recently interviewed Davidman and other therapists in the same field, as well as clients who felt resigned to their decision after seeking therapy. Davidman has an extensive process through which she leads clients, and a book she co-authored with therapist Denise L. Carlini called Motherhood – Is It Right For Me? A Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity takes readers through 12 weeks of exercise.
In an email to Lifehacker, Davidman warns that the solution is never easy and the exercises she has developed need to complement each other. But she does have some tips on how people start to approach their choices for those who have started asking themselves if it is right for them to have children.
Break the noose
Many people who struggle with hesitation about having or not having children fall into a feedback loop, Davidman said. All the questions and concerns swirl around and around, from the fear of the baby affecting everything from their sleep to their relationship, to more serious fears about climate change and this big, scary world. The first thing Davidman does is ask people to stop this inner monologue:
The first place to start is to take a step back and choose not to know and let it be okay. And take a breather from the noose of indecision that will quickly get you nowhere.
She told the Washington Post that she asks patients to write down all of these concerns and then hide them for a while:
“You put them all in an envelope,” says Davidman. “These are really important questions, but we just don’t want to talk about them now. When you prematurely take into account all these external factors, not knowing what you want and why you want it, they just get in the way. “
Fear and anxiety are not places to make life-changing decisions.
Separate desire from action
The decision to have a child has many different components, but often people are trying to solve two of the biggest problems at the same time: do you want children and how you will get them. The last question is about logistics; the first is about desire. Davidman says you need to look at them separately:
The biggest challenge is trying to figure out what you want and what you are going to do at the same time. The two must be separated. The decision should be postponed while you take the time to discover your desire. So the first place to start is to take a step back and write a little to determine what needs to be temporarily put on hold so that they can clearly understand what they want.
This is also a kind of loop. If you are not in a serious relationship, or are worried about money, or have a five-year plan, you may want to consider the challenges of having a baby before asking yourself clearly if you want a baby. This only fuels the fears that Davidman warns about.
How to make a distinction
One exercise that Davidman does with people is to figure out which issues are actually more related to the baby’s plan, so you might want to try to put them off for a while while you explore your desire.
1) I always thought that now my life will look like….
Then read what you wrote and write about what it feels like to look at what you wrote.
2) My biggest fear when making a decision is ……
3) Then list those external aspects of your life that you are constantly rephrasing.
4) Then take it all and put it aside.
5) Then spend time letting yourself know nothing, without judging, without trying to do something or trying to understand something.
In a posting for his website, Davidman writes that “ removing the outside ” is scary; it seems unnatural not to dwell on the practical implications of having a baby. Moreover, it forces us to look at ourselves from the inside, which many people do not want to do.
Making a firm choice will not magically save you all of these problems, but it will help you understand which fears about children arise from a problem that can be solved, and which ones from a true unwillingness to have children. Clarity always helps light the way.