Give the Troubled Child Time for “worrying Questions”
Being a child is difficult. There is a lot of uncertainty about the doctor’s appointment tomorrow, the birthday party they should attend, or how long Mom will be on the plane. Anxiety sometimes manifests itself in the form of questions. So many questions. Often the same questions are asked over and over again. They want, they need to know: what exactly is going to happen?
You want to help your child, but you are not a bottomless storeroom for answers, and even if you could offer some information every time, it would still not give them the confidence they cling to. Many parents get upset when they say, “I don’t answer questions anymore, stop asking!” … and then you feel terrible and return to answering other questions.
Eli R. Lebowitz, associate director of the Anxiety and Mood Disorders Program at the Yale Child Study Center , suggests a strategy that can break the vicious circle: set aside time for “worrying questions.” For example, you might tell an agitated child that he can only ask questions about an event or problem that bothers him — say, a weekend schedule — for only five minutes in the morning and evening. If the anxiety question arises outside the specified time frame, remind the child to wait for the next activity.
“It has two effects,” Lebowitz tells me:
This gives the child more control over the anxiety because instead of immediately “solving” the problem as soon as it arises, they do it according to their own conditions and schedule. It also shows kids that worries can go away on their own, even if you don’t do anything, because often, when the appointed time comes, they don’t even think about it anymore. A child can understand that everything is fine with him, just by waiting for this moment. As a result, they become less vulnerable to anxiety and less dependent on their parents.
Without guidance on questions, Lebowitz says, anxious children will never know if they will get an answer or not, and therefore will always feel obligated to pursue it. “It would be like trying to go to the post office, which is sometimes open and sometimes closed without a regular schedule,” he says. “You would keep coming back all the time until you came in!”
The Yale University program addresses childhood anxiety in a unique way through parenting . New research shows it works. The goal is to reduce “parental adjustment,” which refers to all the ways parents change their behavior to help children feel less anxious. For example, if a child has separation anxiety, a parent may sleep with it. Or, if a child has abdominal pain associated with anxiety, the parent may repeatedly keep him out of school. Or, yes, it could also mean having to be Alex’s person, answering every worrying question they are asked, “ Who will be there? Do I have to speak? Will you stay by my side? ” While these may all be normal and well-intentioned responses, research has shown that these behaviors are distressing for children.
Instead, Yale therapists encourage parental support , which is about accepting and understanding how uncomfortable, anxious, or scared a child feels, and showing confidence that they can handle it on their own.
By setting the time for “worrying questions,” you are doing just that. You give your kids the opportunity to express their concerns so they don’t have to cling to them all day.