How to Give Feedback During Sex
When I raise the issue of providing sexual feedback to my sex therapy clients, I am usually greeted with energetic rolls of my eyes or an unhappy sigh. Most people don’t like this topic. I hear responses like, “Shouldn’t my partner just know what to do?” or “They can’t think I like it .”
Many of us seem to hate the idea of talking about our desires, likes and dislikes during sex. But feedback is an integral part of a happy and healthy sex life. Read on to find out why you should change your mind about feedback and how to get more comfort from your partner during sex.
Why you should give feedback
It’s unfair to expect your partner to read your mind at all times, but especially when it comes to something as personal as something that gives his body pleasure. When you don’t know if you like what he is doing, it creates a lot of stress for your partner. If your partner is focused on you, they may be upset about not getting any response.
You may have experienced this yourself. Have you ever met someone who was silent during sex? Maybe they were just lying there with blank expressions or moving like a robot. Maybe you felt that they would rather pay their taxes at this point. Can you remember how anxious and shy you felt?
Now: Do you have a memory of a partner who was enthusiastic about communication? Maybe they complimented you on your technique, or moaned, or looked you in the eye. These two kinds of experience are night and day.
Feedback is especially important for survivors of sexual assault. If you have been abused in the past, it can affect your current sex life. Certain actions, attitudes, or even words can cause fear or anxiety. It is very important for you to be able to communicate with your partner about how you can feel safe during sex. It’s the same with people who experience pain during sex. You should never force yourself to silently endure discomfort or pain.
Understand the difference between testimonials and instructions
One of the main arguments I hear against feedback is, “But I don’t even know what I want!” Many people confuse feedback with instructions and feel they should give their partner a set of detailed step-by-step instructions on what to do. If that’s what you think about feedback, it makes sense that you don’t want to give it. Most of us will not be able to write directions for exactly what we want. If you have a specific set of instructions that you want to give your partner (for example, perhaps you want to act out a detailed fantasy), that’s great! But otherwise, the idea of feedback is that you tell your partner about your experience at the moment. You notice what they are doing and share your reaction to their actions. Feedback can be as simple as “This is good” or “Don’t stop.”
Be in tune with your experience
To give this kind of feedback, you must be present enough with your body and your own experiences to be able to share them with your partner. This is another major problem for many of us. Sex can be very anxious, and many of us mentally evaluate our work or worry about our partner’s experience. Instead, you need to learn to focus on your own body and the sensations, emotions and reactions you feel. It takes some practice, but it’s an incredibly worthwhile goal to strive for.
Leave feedback after the fact
If you’re really embarrassed about giving feedback, one way to make it easier is to give feedback after you and your partner have had sex. I call this the post-sex debriefing. You can share with your partner specific things that you enjoyed during that particular interaction, that you would like to repeat in the future, or that you would like to try at some point. Sometimes swimming together in the afterglow can create a much more relaxed environment for sharing feedback.
Find a comfortable communication style
Another way to feel more comfortable with feedback is to find the communication style that works best for you. You may enjoy non-verbal communication, such as certain body movements, making eye contact with your partner, or squeezing their hand. Or, you can try sounds such as moans, groans, or heavy breathing. Or maybe you’re most comfortable pronouncing the words, and you can say phrases like “A little softer” or “Can you play with my breasts?”
Become More Comfortable On Your Own
If you find it really difficult to communicate during sex, it might be a good idea to learn how to feel more comfortable alone. This may sound silly, but you can just say certain phrases to yourself out loud, for example, “Can I get better?” or “Let’s do it harder.” You can even practice moaning if you want it to be more comfortable! Repeat these phrases over and over until you feel more comfortable. Repetition is indeed the key to making yourself more comfortable.
Talk to your partner about it.
If you’re in a relationship, I highly recommend talking to your partner about how the two of you are giving feedback. You can let your partner know that you want to give them feedback, but it’s hard for you to get the hang of it. You may be able to discuss together easier ways to communicate with each other during sex. For example, you might agree in advance that you are going to grab your partner by the shoulder when you feel really good, or you are going to put your hand on his arm to guide him to the right place. The more you two feel like a team, the easier it will be for you to give feedback.