How to Date a Sober Person
Dating is hard anyway. For those recovering from substance abuse or simply not drinking, it can be even more difficult. After all, this is a tough first date conversation and can complicate those first few outings when a date at a bar is out of the question.
Are you dating a sober person looking for some tips on how to discuss alcohol? I spoke with two experts about how to start a conversation and why it is so important to have empathy.
You can talk about their sobriety if they have already mentioned this.
Let’s say you’re on a date, and your partner has lost a tidbit that he doesn’t drink. According to Cindy Feinberg , president of the consulting service Recovery Coach, you can ask someone about their sobriety if they have already raised the issue.
“If someone puts this out and lets you know from the start that they are recovering, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying to someone,“ I’d like to hear a little about your story. ” if you are open to it, ”she said. “Of course, you don’t have to go into it, but asking a few questions is not forbidden.”
Showing empathy by listening is the best approach when someone informs you of their sobriety. But what is the best way to respond to someone who has spoken openly about his sobriety? According to Feinberg, you can congratulate them and ask the question: “Is it possible that I drink?”
Dating coach Connell Barrett added that it can often spark a broader conversation. “At that time, I had my first date with an ex-girlfriend,” he said. “We met at a bar. I drank, but she didn’t. We talked for about 20 minutes about where and how she got there. It was exciting for me and connected us. She was ready and open to talk about it. “
If you suspect that the date might be sober, but you haven’t discussed it, it is probably best to postpone the conversation until another day.
“They might be a little embarrassed about this,” Feinberg said. “They may not want to tell someone for fear of being judged. I know a lot of people can think of something else. One of the standard stories is “I take antibiotics, so I don’t drink now.”
Instead, enjoy their company and let the topic move as they see fit.
The comfort level of your date with alcohol usually matches the stage in which you are recovering.
How do you plan a date knowing your partner can be sober? Well, obviously the bar is a less suitable place, but that doesn’t always mean you can’t drink. According to Feinberg, drinking really does depend on the recovery of a sober person (and for people who simply don’t drink, the bar is not always a problem).
“I always say to people in the early stages of recovery,“ Try your best not to put yourself in danger, bearing in mind that if alcohol was your main ingredient, try to get out of the bar and try to limit your socialization to people who do not drink. ” , she said. “But in many respects it depends on what stage of recovery a person is at. For people at a later stage in recovery, it will be less problematic if their partner wants to drink, but I [still] would not want to be around someone I’m seeing who falls drunk. ”
How do you start a date drink conversation with your sober partner?
“He says:“ Look, I would really like to start a conversation with you, that I would like to have a glass or two of wine – how do you feel about that? Do you agree with that? and start a discussion so that everyone really feels like their needs are being addressed, ”Feinberg said.
Just because one person is sober doesn’t mean a long-term relationship can’t work, Barrett said. “If two people need alcohol together in order to have a good relationship – for example, they both need to be sober, or they both need to be two drinkers – then you may face a situation of joint addiction. [But] I think alcohol is completely irrelevant to the equation when two people are together in the long run. It’s more about connection, empathy and setting your big life goals. “
So if your first few dates go well, don’t interpret their sobriety (and your inability to drink with them) as a sign that something might not work. All that matters is your connection and your ability to communicate openly.