What I Learned by Learning to Say No
People used to like me.
It got to the point that both my friends and my family told me: “Nicole, stop liking people.”
But I didn’t see it. From my point of view, the best way to get someone to do what I want is to do what they want first – not because of any manipulative meaning, but more generally: “If I tell this man “yes”, they will return. benefit by telling me yes.
It took me up to 30 years to realize that relationships don’t really work that way. Not a personal relationship, when my willingness to watch every action movie released didn’t make my then boyfriend become more interested in watching the Titanic reissue (in 3D!) With me; and certainly not a professional relationship. Saying yes to managers and coworkers can get you pretty far in the workplace, but it doesn’t necessarily get you where you want to go .
And it won’t get you what you are worth.
To understand this, you must learn to say no.
Practice saying no to the people who love you the most.
This type of learning, like almost everything else, takes practice . When I realized that I needed to learn how to say no, I started with situations with extremely low rates, for example, when I told a friend that I could not meet for a drink. When I realized that refusal in any one situation does not cause a chain reaction of undesirable consequences – for example, an acquaintance did not hate me forever, we saw each other at another social event, and that was normal – I learned to say “no.” close friends. Still okay. By some miracle, our friendship survived the great incident of 2016, “I don’t feel tacos tonight,” which prepared me for more difficult decisions like “I won’t be able to join a big friend’s trip this year.”
Then I tried to say no to my parents, which was even harder, but also … it worked out well. They still loved me as I still loved them, even though they said no to me ever since I was old enough to understand words.
Why am I telling you all this? Because today Quartz reminded us that before we start high-stakes negotiations such as salary negotiations, we can practice our negotiating skills with people who love us :
Jane Charlton, Leadership Program Manager at London Business School, who, along with her team at the School’s Alumni Career Center, has helped thousands of entrepreneurial students prepare for job interviews, says we must always negotiate, even when we know the answer is will be as follows: no. And for this to be more likely, we must practice, she says. This can mean using some unexpected situations – for example, confronting the kids about lunch or talking with a partner about where to go on vacation – to hone skills that can later be used in meetings with managers.
Saying no rarely closes doors; instead it opens up new possibilities
This year I had to say no to a lot of people and had to discuss several important professional situations – and all the practice of setting boundaries that I started doing five years ago has helped. Significantly. When I learned to stand up for what I wanted, what I valued and what I was worth, I learned two things:
- Saying no to a particular situation rarely means closing the door forever. Friends will still be there, family will still be there, professional contacts will still work with you.
- Saying no to something you don’t want, especially in terms of your career, does not so much reject an opportunity as it gives you the opportunity to find a better opportunity.
Yes, there are times when you need to take any job offered and do your best. For example, after graduating from college, I worked as a telemarketer for several months because I needed money and they paid. Being able to say yes to everything that comes your way is a valuable skill, but at some point, being able to say no becomes even more valuable.
Turn your skills to say no to win-win.
I’ll end this with one more thought; Earlier this year, I finally got to the book of Stephen Covey’s “7 Highly Effective People Skills” and I realized that I need to start to develop your skill, “say no” to “find a win-win situation that satisfies both sides.” (If you’re unfamiliar with the 7 skills , “win-win thinking” is skill # 4. ) As Covey explains:
Many people think in terms of either-or: either you’re good or you’re cool.
A win-win requires both of you. It’s a balance between courage and attention.
Interestingly, the win-win situation is similar to what I thought I would achieve by becoming a human pleaser – only it comes from conscientiousness and cooperation, not from internal tit-for-tat.
I’m still working on developing this particular skill, but I suspect that as I get better at it, it will be just as beneficial to my personal and professional life as learning to say no.