What to Do When Typical Parenting Strategies Don’t Help Your Explosive, Inflexible Child

Being a child is difficult, especially when it comes to strong emotions – fear, anger, excitement. While we can’t fully remember what it was like to be a child, most of us remember struggling with a feeling that felt too big, too new, and very, very important.

Even with our own childhood memories, seeing our children from an adult perspective can be confusing. Do we really have that many crises? When would we be that inflexible? Is this normal behavior or a sign that our child may need help?

When a child is particularly inflexible or is experiencing an unusual number of emotional outbursts, it is better to try to understand what is behind the behavior rather than just try to fix it. “Behavior [in itself] is a sign that something is happening,” said Elaine Taylor-Klaus, founder of Impact Parents and author of Essential Guide to Parenting Difficult Children with ADHD, Anxiety and More . “It’s an indicator that they are struggling and need help.”

Because Taylor-Klaus often advises the families with whom she works, a child’s “rebellious” behavior usually has a cause, be it a neurological problem or something else. “It’s not a sign of disrespect, it’s not a sign of willfulness, it’s a sign of inability to cope,” Taylor-Klaus said.

Tough behavior is often associated with control

If your child is particularly rigid, this behavior is often his way of regaining a sense of control. For example, if a child is insecure or insecure about something, one way to deal with it is to focus on what they can control, be it the socks they wear, the cereal they eat for breakfast, or just savoring it. the ability to say no.

“When we control the more we feel safer”, – said Rebecca Parlakyan , an expert on the development of children and senior director of program non-profit organization of pre-school education “From zero to three.” According to Parlakian, if your child is in a particularly inflexible mood, it is important that the parents do not say no. This goes against the usual advice that might motivate you to show your child who is in charge and set solid boundaries. Yes, it won’t work. “Hearing ‘no’ when we are in a very emotional place can just take us in a spiral,” Parlakian said.

Instead, it’s better to acknowledge how they are feeling, and if they ask for something, don’t give up at that moment. Instead, engage them in a discussion about what they want and why, or have them come up with a plan for how to do something to get what they want.

Emotional outbursts are often a sign that a child is depressed.

Emotional outbursts happen for any number of reasons, but usually the child feels depressed . “If kids reach their limit, and we’re still pushing them to do so, they’ll melt to some extent,” said Taylor-Klaus.

Your child may be struggling because they are experiencing sensory overload – sensory processing disorders are often confused with ADHD and similar diagnoses – because they don’t feel capable of anything, or because they struggle to cope with their emotions And at this point, they just don’t know how to cope, and nothing you say to correct their behavior, nor any punishment or consequences that you offer, will help them get out of this situation. As Taylor-Klaus recommends, it is best to use a combination of gratitude, compassion and empathy in these situations. Even if we do not quite understand what is happening or what the problem is, for them it is still very real.

Taylor-Claus does not recommend going straight into problem solving mode. “When we go to fix it, they feel ignored,” said Taylor-Klaus. Instead, it is important to slow down and meet the child where he is at the moment.

Finding support is important if your child is struggling.

If your child is struggling with rigid behaviors or emotional outbursts, to the point where you think something might be happening, it is important to seek help as there can be a number of underlying problems causing this behavior due to learning disabilities such as dyslexia. with a developmental disorder such as autism or ADHD.

Before you get too worried, it’s also important to remember that every child is different and sometimes, when it comes to their development, they are just on their own schedule. “Parents should know that at any stage of development, each child is individual,” Parlakian said. And remember, if seeking support does lead you to a diagnosis that you might find intimidating, the diagnosis does not change your child’s personality. It will only help to help them.