What Not to Tell Same-Sex Parents
When was the last time you asked a random acquaintance – or better yet, a stranger! – details of how their child was conceived? You probably won’t walk up to a random heterosexual couple in front of you in the grocery checkout line and ask for detailed conception. But same-sex parents are constantly faced with inappropriate questions about something incredibly personal to them . For some reason, people think they can satisfy their curiosity about how they built their family.
Just because a child has two mums or two dads doesn’t mean you can ask annoying questions. Even if you think you mean good, this is what you should not ask.
Any question with the word “real”
If you are about to ask a question that contains the word “real”, you are going to offend. Examples:
“So which one of you is her real father?” Uhhh, she has two fathers and they are both real. You mean, “Which one of you is her biological father?” – and that’s none of your business.
“When are you going to tell her about her real mom?” One dad from our parent group Offspring on Facebook answers this question as follows: “My child does not have a“ mother ”- there was a“ donor ”and“ surrogate mother ”who helped her to be born, but none of them are“ mom, ”says Gary. “If you want to ask about them, use these terms. Even so, please do not consider yourself entitled to receive such information. In fact, if we are not close friends, it’s better not to ask at all. ”
Details about conceiving a child
“Have you used a sperm donor?” “Surrogate mother?” Well, why not go ahead and share personal intimate details about your child’s concept first: Was your child planning? Did she conceive after a night of drinking too much wine? What position did you use ?? How to conceive a child is everyone’s personal business; if their parents want to share this with you at some point, they will. If they haven’t done this, it’s because they don’t want to.
“I hate it when people ask us for very detailed information about our donor,” says Offspring member Amara. “We have shared the details with close friends, but when people find out that we are same-sex parents, any hopes of privacy disappear. Plus, having a gay brother / sister / best friend doesn’t give you the right to my conception story. “
Excessive clarifying questions
Okay, curiosity got the better of it and you asked if they used a donor and they answered you politely. Stop there. You were not entitled to this information, and you certainly are not entitled to know where the donor lives or how they chose him.
Gary says he doesn’t mind much if people ask if they adopted or used a surrogate mother, but that should be the end of the questions. “There are many types of family travel, and I can share information at a general level to outline the contours of our journey,” he says. “What doesn’t suit me is the unnecessary clarification questions … People feel entitled to so much information when they find out we are same-sex parents, and it’s really frustrating.”
If they don’t elaborate on their answer, it’s time to end the questions.
So what do you say?
More statements, fewer questions. To the random stranger in front of you in the grocery line, you might say, “You have a wonderful family.” For a friend you would like to befriend, try: “I would like to hear about your path to fatherhood someday.” This opens the door to saying that you are interested in getting to know them better without forcing them to share personal experiences.