How to Listen When Your Child Is Having a Bad Day
Our children will return – or will return very soon – to school , which means that evening moodiness sets in. They (mostly) kept it together for their teachers all day, and we are their safe place, so once they see us, they may feel the need to unleash all the frustration of the day.
Maybe their first topic of the day is also their least favorite subject. Or they sit next to a classmate with whom they don’t get along very well. The only time it rained all day was their turn to take a break. And the lunch line was so long that there was only five minutes left for lunch. Etc.
If we’re trying to cheer them up by telling them how good things will be, offering advice, or trying to fix their problem, we’re probably not helping. According to the Washington Post, clinical psychologist Wendy Mogel, “This makes it impossible for them to be irritable and irritable.”
Who among us doesn’t like to speak out from time to time? The best we can do for our children is what we would like our partner or friend to do when we have a bad day – to be a good listener and acknowledge their feelings. This is so-called ” reflective listening ” and this is how it might sound when you are talking to your children:
- “Looks like the math classes today were really exciting.”
- “You must have been so disappointed that you couldn’t take the break.”
- “A bad day is okay.”
- “I’m sorry you had a tough day.”
The key, family therapist Emory Luce Baldwin tells The Post , is to remind them (in subtle ways) that the best feelings in the world don’t last forever, nor do the worst.
“We don’t want to preach or teach our children, especially when they are upset,” she says. You can say that you are sorry that they are feeling so bad right now, or that you realize that the day was really hard.
“Show that you claim that it was today, this is now. Don’t use global phrases like “I’m sorry you’re so upset” or “It’s awful that you hate school,” Baldwin advises. “Answer so that the children hear that this is not forever.”
Of course, if our children are facing a more serious problem, such as ongoing or destructive conflict with a peer or teacher, it might be time to step in. In such cases, we are right to help find solutions and offer additional support. But sometimes a bad day is just a bad day, and tomorrow will be better.