How to Talk to Kids About Porn
If you no longer want to talk to your kids about sex, then it’s safe to say that you really don’t want to talk to them about pornography. But given how readily available porn is on the Internet, and given the fact that our kids (or their friends) have computers, tablets, and smartphones in their hands, they’ll almost certainly stumble upon it at some point – and probably much more. a younger age than you expected.
Journalist Lisa Ling recently studied porn use among children and adolescents on her show It’s Life with Lisa Ling . She has interviewed self-identified porn addicts who first encountered pornography at a very early age, including Alexander Rhodes, 29, who now runs an online community for those fighting porn addiction.
“Your 12-year-old child can see more naked people having sex in five minutes than their grandparents in their entire life,” says Rhodes to Lingu. “Children learn about sex through porn; they get an insight into sex from porn producers, not a natural life experience that they should eventually get and grow up with. “
In this episode, Rhodes says he was 11 years old when he first saw porn through pop-up ads on a video game website; and he was addicted by the age of 12.
Suppose they see it
It’s no longer a question if they stumble upon this hidden collection of Playboy magazines in the basement. They are more likely to see porn on the Internet – either through a fairly innocent Google search, or through advertisements on a seemingly safe website, or thanks to a kid at school. Even if you’re working hard to keep them safe on the Internet at home – this tutorial from Common Sense Media can help – facing pornography is inevitable for most kids.
And if / when they see it, it will help inform their opinion of what sex really is – unless they know that what they are seeing is not typical of a loving, committed relationship. “And the content is much more hardcore than it was when we were growing up ,” says Devorah Heithner, author of Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (and Survive) in their digital world , to the Washington Post .
“There are videos of people taking actions that may or may not be concerted actions that most people don’t like – or require serious negotiation between partners – and look very aggressive,” says Heitner. “You don’t want your 10-year-old son or 5-year-old daughter to think these are everyday activities.”
Although consent between sex workers in pornography occurs before the cameras are turned on, children do not see these conversations, which can further confuse how consent looks and sounds.
When to start a conversation
By the time you talk to your kids about porn, they should already have a basic understanding of what sex is. This is another level in your ongoing discussions with your child about consent, body acceptance, pleasure, and safety. You shouldn’t try to cover it all in one conversation – it would be overwhelming or even scary – and there is no need to start talking about pornography while the child is very young and you understand very well what it is. viewing online.
However, you want to tell them about it before they see it. A therapist on marriage and family Shadin Francis, who is the curriculum on sex education for primary and secondary school, says Healthline, that for 11 years the majority of children faced with this or other sexual content on the Internet. So when they have their own smartphone, social media accounts, or more freedom on the Internet, it’s time to talk about it.
That way, you can contextualize any images they may see and minimize any anxiety, disgust, or confusion they might feel if they watch porn, without prior notice of the existence of the material, Francis says.
Define the difference between sex and porn
Just as actors play characters on their favorite TV shows, explain it by saying that they are people having sex on camera. They don’t see sex between couples who love or care for each other – they play a role.
Lisa Damour, psychologist and author of Under Pressure: Coping with the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls , tells the Washington Post that another key difference that needs to be addressed is the gender dynamics in porn versus sex:
“Pornography unites around themes of violence against women,” she says. Explaining this dynamic can help reinforce the values you really want them to learn by treating people (intimate or otherwise) with respect, seeking enthusiastic consent, and striving for a healthy sex life (someday).
Ultimately, the purpose of these conversations is to become your child’s ally. You want them to come to you when they see something scary or confusing, without fear of getting in trouble because of it. Let them know that they can reach out to you about anything they hear or see, no matter how they encountered it.