How to Set Boundaries When Your Family Is Badly Money
When I recently asked about the bad money habits you learned from your parents, you responded with stories of debt, desperation, and the bumpy roads you took to financial stability. But just because you (eventually) learned not to make the same mistakes your parents did, doesn’t mean that your entire family tree is healed of its financial deficiencies.
Many of you have pointed out that your parents or family members are still struggling with their finances, which can make your interactions awkward at best and unbearable at worst. While it may seem easier to hide from your family than to confront it, setting boundaries to protect your own well-being requires more than checking your phone calls. Here’s what to do if you need a breather between you and your family members’ money problems.
Ask questions and trust your intuition
Lindsay Brian-Podwin , a financial therapist in Michigan, says testing your intuition can help you assess a situation. “It’s a bit ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo,” she admits, but she recommends asking herself, “Does it make me uncomfortable with what they say, do, or share with me?” Handling money “badly” is so subjective that what triggers the warning signs in your own gut may not bother the person who is spending too much or is heavily indebted.
If you’re not sure if someone has the financial literacy to take action to their advantage, Brian-Podwin recommends trying to get in touch with that person to see if they are ready for a change. She says that you can use the examples of “friend” so as not to call the person directly. Something like “I had a friend who thought they were doing well because they were keeping up with their credit card balances, but they had difficulties when they applied for a mortgage,” might start the necessary conversation. “Try it sneakily,” says Brian Podwin.
Do it about you
If you want to avoid getting involved in someone else’s financial activities, state the reason for the retreat in terms of your own choices, not reactions to them.
Say, for example, your parents want to invite you to a fancy brunch, but you know they have a lot of credit card debt and tend to overspend. You might say something like, “I know you want to do this to me, and I appreciate your generosity, but I really feel uncomfortable doing something that costs a lot of money.” If that doesn’t work, Brian-Podvin advises taking it one step further. You might say, “I’m not comfortable watching you spend money that I know you don’t have.
Emphasize “me” and not “you” so as not to blame or make the person feel worse about the conversation.
Prepare for unfavorable seasons
Birthdays and holidays can be especially difficult when you and a family member disagree about money. You can offer to draw names for a price-limited gift exchange, choose a charity event, or sponsor a family in need through your local organization.
If you do not want others to spend money on gifts for you, you need to inform them in advance and explain it, recommends Brian-Podvin. “If you really need to take him home, you can say that you do not accept gifts, and if you receive them, you will return them.”
Draw a line if needed
So maybe Mom and Dad are not taking the hint. It’s time to draw a firmer boundary. Brian-Podvin advises to remember that you cannot change someone’s expenses, but you can refuse this activity. You can say, “I love you and I want to spend time with you,” she said, “but I will not be involved in watching you do these things.” You can offer an alternative activity – like making dinner at home instead of going outside – but if they don’t accept your offer, Brian-Podwin says, you can ultimately decide if you want to witness their behavior.
Brian-Podwin sees many clients who have had to give up relationships with their siblings because of their financial choices. If you get to this point, she will tell you that it’s important not to shame someone for their financial choices. “Set an example,” she says. “You can drop some pretty hard breadcrumbs” about the good behavior you’ve demonstrated, or offer to lend them books or personal finance tools you’ve learned.
One final tip from Brian-Podwin: Remember that you are not alone and that most people have money problems and freezes of some sort. If people are abused by the boundaries you set to protect yourself from awkward monetary behavior, “these are the people who probably benefitted the most when you didn’t have them,” she says. “If they react [negatively], it’s more about them than about you.”