What People Are Doing Wrong This Week: Fake Celebrity Rescued Dogs
I’m fascinated by the fictional information infrastructure many of us (maybe all of us) live in. The expanded universe of fake news encompasses everything from political propaganda to conspiracy theories to religious beliefs (except the ones you hold, of course, which are completely true) to what your friend told you that time. Also: celebrity dog rescues .
At the intersection of artificial intelligence and natural stupidity, the nefarious spider that spins the giant web of lies that envelops us has determined that people want to read, click, and otherwise engage with content related to celebrities who have donated millions to fund dog rescue operations. I don’t know why. You don’t know why. No one knows why. But that’s where we are.
Fake Generosity Leaderboard
Here are some examples of recent fake stories about celebrity dog lovers and their fake dog charities, in order of generosity.
Peyton Manning : According to a June 16 Facebook post from “Magic Clement,” washed-up quarterback Peyton Manning bought an existing dog shelter called Maple Creek Rescue and completely renovated it. Magic Clement didn’t provide the monetary amount of Manning’s donation, so I’m going to estimate it at $500,000 in fake money. That makes Fake Peyton Manning the cheapskate among fake celebrity dog rescuers, but according to Magic Clement (Facebook’s clearinghouse for AI-generated stories about Peyton Manning being a hero), Manning just saved another dog shelter today , so at least he appears to be putting in the most fake effort. For the record, there is no dog shelter called Maple Creek Rescue , and the photo below is an AI.
Eminem : A Facebook page dedicated to the once-controversial rapper claims he’s invested $10 million in a “paradise” for stray dogs. Probably just to make Peyton Manning look like a tool. Here’s a photo from the Facebook post:
Eagle-eyed readers will notice that these images are AI-generated, especially the one on the top right, in which Em appears to be wearing a Michael Vick shirt. Not a good look for a dog shelter owner. This story is also not true .
Morgan Freeman : Perhaps in an attempt to outdo fake Eminem by a million fake bucks, fake Morgan Freeman recently donated $11 million to build a dog shelter on his 88th birthday. The Facebook post announcing the act of charity for the fake dogs has been shared more than 13,000 times, but does not include any AI-generated photos of Freeman. Luckily, another Facebook page, Rocky’s K9 Rescue , stepped up and posted this:
Apparently Morgan Freeman didn’t donate $11 million to a dog charity. Even though he turned 88 on June 1.
Josh Allen, Jose Altuve, Aidan Hutchinson, Dak Prescott : These athletes have reportedly donated $20 million each to individual dog rescue centers. In reality , they haven’t donated anything, but $20 million seems to be the going rate for athletes donating to dog rescue centers. You’d think they’d pool their money and open one giant dog rescue center, just to be efficient.
Jelly Roll : Fake Jelly Roll is the king of donating fake money to fake dog charities. I’m no financial expert, but I’m guessing the country rapper’s net worth is far smaller than Peyton Manning, Eminem, and Morgan Freeman, so his May 12 donation of $20 million “to build a ‘paradise’ dedicated to saving stray dogs” is especially generous, but he also donated $20 million on June 17 ! Jelly Roll, are you drunk? ( It’s fake, of course , but Jelly Roll does have a dog .)
The point is, being a stray dog is a lucrative occupation in the fictional universe of the Facebook pages your mom probably reads: Last month, fake celebrities donated $141,500,000 to dog shelters, and those are just the ones I found before I got bored.
Why are there so many fake dog charities?
The “why” of fake dog stories is complicated, but their popularity isn’t: People are emotional about dogs and want celebrities to be heroes, so “celebrities love dogs!” will get attention. As long as none of the people posting or hosting this content cares about constantly lying, there will be a ton of “engagement” for everyone. But what do the creators of these pages get out of the attention they seek? No one gets rich off these individual pages, and it’s hard to see how some of them make a pittance at all. Rocky’s K9 Rescue, one of the Facebook pages spreading the fake Morgan Freeman story, says it’s accepting donations, which at least makes sense (despite its name, Rocky’s K9 Rescue doesn’t appear to be affiliated with the real dog activist Rocky Kanaka . Make of that what you will.) One of the dozens of posts I looked at on the fake Jelly Roll page links to a T-shirt that appears to be associated with the singer.
Magic Clement’s motives are more mysterious. How can publishing an AI-generated story about Peyton Manning saving a library by bringing in books work as a business strategy? (How does bringing in more books help keep the library open, for that matter?) Whatever happens, eventually someone has to make money. My guess is Mark Zuckerberg.
Real Famous Philanthropic Dogs (Probably)
Meanwhile, in the real world, many real-life celebrities have partnered with and donated to animal charities that actually exist, including several that appear to have started some kind of dog shelter. Reality TV personality Lisa Vanderpump founded the Vanderpump Dog Foundation , which lists a “ dog shelter ” among its initiatives. Singer Miranda Lambert’s Muttnation Foundation provides grants to animal shelters and other animal-related charities. Singer Ariana Grande’s Orange Twins Rescue has one dog up for adoption on its website . But none of these real stories seem to have the same appeal as the fake ones. Perhaps the money is too small — none of these charities are close to $20 million. No, the stars aren’t famous enough. But for some reason, they’re just not popular.
I checked these celebrity dog charities on Charity Navigator, and Grande’s Orange Twins Rescue isn’t listed (though it’s a legitimate nonprofit); MuttNation scored a solid 88% , or “good”; and Vanderpump’s foundation got a one-star rating, or “proceed with caution.”
Why does this even matter?
With the world’s information pipes overflowing with fake everything, some creep making a fraction of a cent telling lies about Morgan Freeman’s charity seems hollow. But it’s important. Fake stories about dog charities are just one small part of a vast, worldwide experiment in what happens to a culture when everything anyone sees, reads, or hears is fake. And you’re the lab rat. It’s an erosion of shared reality, a complete abandonment of the vague consensus we once had about the truth—and worst of all, there’s no one running the train. I wish there was a shadowy cabal of financiers brainwashing us for nefarious ends. At least then there’d be a purpose. Instead, our ever-fragile grasp on reality is being eroded by cretins whose greatest achievement in life is tricking morons on Facebook into buying unofficial Jelly Roll T-shirts.