Nine Ways to Build Financial Intimacy in Your Relationship
On a good first date, you want to talk about hobbies, siblings, and your dream job. No one wants to ruin the atmosphere by asking how much student debt another person has. But as the relationship progresses, you’ll find yourself evaluating a lot about your partner: their values, emotional management, political views, and more. However, the topic of money is often pushed aside – sometimes until it is too late.
We all have different relationships with money. Some of us are careful savers, others are lavish spenders. Some constantly replenish their reserves for a rainy day ; others can’t resist buying new things every paycheck. When you are in a relationship, it is extremely important to find out how your partner behaves when it comes to money because if the relationship continues for a long time, it will come up. A lot . Here’s how to lay the foundation for lasting financial intimacy.
Do it as early as possible (and build up gradually)
It’s easy to miss the topic of money out of discomfort. But if you want to avoid a big emotional misunderstanding in the future, get straight to the point. During the first few weeks or months of dating, start asking questions to uncover their financial situation. This can start with questions such as: “Are you a saver or a spender?” or “Do you pay attention to the stock market?” or “What is your favorite thing to spend money on?” to get a sense of their general perception of money and, over time, move on to more specific questions about their credit score, salary, and debt.
Keep in mind, disclosure is not a one-way street. Be prepared to share your behavior, habits, debts and financial history in due course.
Give advance notice
While some conversations will come naturally, if not, make it clear that you want to talk about money. Instead of ambushing them into sushi with the question, “So, how much are you contributing to your 401(k) each month?” try something like, “When we have some free time next week, I’d like to touch on this money goal I’m working on and get your thoughts.”
Ask about their childhood
We all have a money “story,” or a certain set of beliefs and fears related to money that we imbibed into our families while growing up. Asking how they were raised is one of the easiest ways to understand their relationship with money. Some grew up in households where discounts were king, every receipt was saved, and Ziploc bags were washed and reused. Others were allowed to spend hundreds on fancy clothes on the first day of school and were sent to a different island every winter break.
To learn more about what attitudes toward money they have internalized, ask questions such as:
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How was money handled when you were growing up?
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Were you encouraged to save from a young age?
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Did your parents give you money when you went to the mall, or did you have to use your own?
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Did your parents often quarrel over money?
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Where did your family vacation?
Use a personal financial goal to start a conversation.
To make the conversation more subtle and less awkward, use one of your own money goals to keep the conversation going. Share your desire to become better at budgeting , save enough money to quit your job and become a freelancer, pay off debt, or buy a new car. Say something like, “I’m working on saving enough money to make this down payment. Do you have any suggestions?” can start a candid conversation and provide insight into their money behavior without putting them in an awkward position. This can (and should) eventually lead to questions about their short-term and long-term financial goals.
Ask hypothetical “what if” questions
If a new relationship is just getting started or you don’t know where to start, try framing your questions as “what if” scenarios to get a sense of where they stand financially. Things like:
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What if you won the lottery – what would you do with the money?
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Would you rather spend your life in a job you don’t love but pays well, or in a job you’re passionate about but will never make you rich?
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If you had to save 50% of your salary for the year, how would you do it?
But also ask real questions…
Some conversations will revolve around general opinions and attitudes toward money, but others should be aimed at answering specific questions you have. Whether you want to know if they are saving for retirement, if they ever gamble, if they have an emergency fund, how often they invest in the stock market, or just their daily spending habits, think about these questions in advance. These details will add to the larger picture you get of their relationship with money.
Mention of an article or statistic
If you want to understand your partner’s financial situation but are afraid to broach the topic, you can relieve some of the stress by redirecting your attention to a third party. Try something like: “I read an article online about talking about money with your partner. Why don’t we just play along and try?”
Considering that money disagreements and “financial incompatibility” are one of the leading causes of divorce , this topic cannot be ignored.
Discuss future real life scenarios
While you won’t want to do this in the first month of dating as you become more serious and start broaching topics like marriage and children, don’t leave money conversations to the side. Now is the time to clarify how you two will handle money as a long-term team by asking questions like:
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“When you’re married, do you want to keep a joint family account, separate personal accounts, or both?”
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“If you were looking to make a large purchase, would you consult your spouse in advance?”
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“How do you feel about setting joint financial goals?”
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“If your kids wanted to do extracurricular activities or go on a trip that you couldn’t afford, what would you do?”
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“At what age would you ideally like to retire?”
Negotiate money regularly
Discussing finances as a couple should never be a one-off affair. Once you’ve laid the foundation for open and honest communication about money, make it a habit. If you’re living together, engaged, or married, set monthly “money dates” to review bills, budget, spending and saving, or major purchases. You can use this time to review your current expenses, express any concerns, discuss goals, and make long-term financial plans. Here’s how you can take a close, close look at exactly where your money is going.