What People Get Wrong This Week: Sofas, Dolphins, and J.D. Vance

Does U.S. Senator and Vice Presidential Candidate J.D. Vance consider the image at the top of this article to be pornographic? It depends on whether you are asking online or not.

You may have heard that the presidential election is approaching in the fall. Naturally, this means that the Internet is flooded with tons of sewer information – lies, slander, rumors and satire, mistaken for facts. The most notable piece of digital trash of the past week was the widely circulated ironic rumor that Vance, who, I must remind you, has a 50-50 chance of being next in line to become president of a global superpower, fucked his couch. I’ll try to explain where this rumor came from and why it’s spreading across social media like cat hair on a wool cut (short answer: because it’s funny). Then I’ll dive into another meme about Vance’s sexual proclivities that’s been gaining popularity.

Did J.D. Vance really say he had sex with the couch?

On July 15, user X @rickrudescalves (account deleted) caused a stir online when he reacted to Donald Trump’s choice of Vance as his running mate, writing , “Can’t say for sure, but he might be the first VP , who in a New Times bestseller admitted to fucking an inside-out latex glove stuck between two couch cushions (Vance, 𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘨𝘺, pp. 179-181)”

The post was shared millions of times, quickly promoted, memed, and otherwise included in the unofficial record. Because there is a quote in the story and it seems so plausible, many people took the couch sex story as fact, at least at first. But that’s not true. This is just a joke, a shitty post, in Internet parlance.

While no one can say with certainty that Senator Vance never fucked a couch (what happens between a man and a willing piece of furniture is none of my business), he certainly didn’t write about couch sex in his memoir Hillbilly Elegy . and there is no other publicly available evidence indicating that he had sex with a sofa, ottoman, futon or any other upholstered furniture.

Whatever side of the political spectrum you’re on, it’s really no mystery why this piece stuck. It’s absurd, haunting, and beautifully crafted—thanks to @rickrudescalves for suggesting that Vance took three full pages to describe his encounter with the couch.

Is J.D. Vance a fan of dolphin porn?

While there is no evidence that Vance is turned on by the couch, there is in fact evidence that he was searching for dolphin porn on the internet! This is not the strongest evidence, but still.

On February 17, 2024, Vance posted the following on his X account :

I’m not sure what Vance was trying to communicate by sharing this screenshot, but the important thing is that the X search function returns results with search terms highlighted. For example, I used X to search for “JD Vance” and “Dolphin”. Here is one of the thousands of results that came to me:

Please note the words in bold that match my search criteria. So the evidence tells us that Vance’s post about dolphins is sufficient evidence that he searched the words “woman” and “dolphin” together on Twitter at least once. We don’t know why Vance was looking for these words, but it looks like he was looking for them.

Update: Ban on celebrity restaurant fun continues in the fake news universe

A few weeks ago, I was exploring the vast alternate reality created by right-wing fake news websites and Facebook attackers targeting ABC talk show The View. A recurring theme in this quagmire of incendiary wish-fulfillment is bogus stories about celebrities being banned from dining at other celebrities’ restaurants. For reasons unknown, drug addicts love to read stories about people they hate getting banned from chain restaurants.

Following this post, two more stars were reportedly kicked out of celebrity-owned restaurants:

• Shaq kicked George Clooney out of his restaurant, banned him for life, “Don’t let him wake up”

• Gordon Ramsay kicked Leah Thomas out of his restaurant: ‘You don’t belong here’

If you’re keeping score at home, here’s the running count of who’s been banned from which celebrity-owned restaurant:

• Gordon Ramsay’s banned list : Robert Deniro , Leah Thomas , Megan Rapinoe , Taylor Swift , Travis Kelce , Whoopi Goldberg , The Miami Dolphins .

• Guy Fieri’s banned list includes Whoopi Goldberg , Megan Rapinoe , Garth Brooks and Tom Hanks .

• On Shaquille O’Neal’s banned list: George Clooney , Joy Behar , Robert Deniro ,

Gordon Ramsay leads the pack with just seven celebrities ejected (including the entire Miami Dolphins football team), compared to four for Fieri and only three for O’Neal. The most banned celebrity is Robert Deniro, who is not allowed to dine at restaurants owned by Fieri, Ramsay or O’Neal. If you ask me, this is a greater honor than winning a third Oscar.

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