Seven Ways to Tell If You’re a Toxic Parent (and What to Do About It)
Most people are not intentionally toxic. Rather, the way we were raised, the relationships we have, or our own temperament can cause bad habits to permeate the way we parent, which can negatively impact our long-term relationships with our children. This is one of the (many) problems with this role: we can’t always pinpoint how we’re doing at any given moment. We may not be able to figure out for many years whether we are raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted young people or not.
Even if we are perfect, which is an impossible standard, success (however you define it) is not guaranteed. But there are ways to turn the tables in our favor – starting with getting rid of any toxicity that has seeped into the way we parent. If you see any of these in yourself, you are not alone. We’ve all done some of this at some point. We’ve all had bad days. Children are both resilient and forgiving, and there is always time to correct the situation. The first step is to identify the areas that need a reboot.
Stifling their independence
Call it “helicopter parenting” when they’re younger, or an inability to “cut the umbilical cord” when they get older—it’s not a good thing either way. We need to encourage our children’s independence as much as possible so that they come to college campus and can show up to class on time, argue their case with the teacher, cook their own bowl of spaghetti for dinner, and do their own laundry.
However, instilling competence in them does not happen immediately when they are about to leave your home for the first time; this happens gradually, allowing them to face problems appropriate to their age. Are they going to spill the milk the first time they try to pour it into the cup themselves? Of course they are; we did everything. But spilling milk teaches them that if they are not careful, the milk will flow out too quickly and they will pour more slowly next time. It is a competency builder. (In addition, they will also practice cleaning up spilled milk, which can be seen as an additional independence building point.)
This is a minor example, and I’m not suggesting that parents are toxic if they decide not to deal with a gallon of milk spilling across the kitchen floor even though the day has already passed long enough; I’m just saying that these little moments of opportunity arise all around us and we should take advantage of them when we can so as not to stifle their ability to grow into independent adults.
Designating them in a negative (or semi-negative) way.
Labels have a way of permeating our language. First we may have in mind a description of behavior, especially undesirable behavior. But when a label is used over and over again, it stops describing the behavior and instead declares that behavior to be a fundamental truth about the other person. When talking about children, I’m talking about things like being shy , picky , stubborn , bossy , or tearful .
Children have a way of meeting (or falling short of) our expectations of them. Call a girl bossy and she will learn to maintain her opinions and her innate desire to lead herself. Call a boy a crybaby and he will learn to keep his emotions deep inside. Call your child a picky eater, and they will become even more reluctant to try new things. Sometimes these labels come with good intentions; We’re embarrassed that Jimmy won’t greet Uncle Sal, whom he hasn’t seen in two years, so we chalk it up to shyness. But children perceive our words as absolute fact and, most likely, see themselves exactly as they think we see them.
Also, avoid globalizing language such as “you always…” or “you never…”. It does not motivate or support a child to try to change behavior if he knows that you view it as an inevitable, integral part of who he is. are. Instead, you can say something like, “You seem to get upset when…” or “How can I help you…?” It’s the difference between attributing a behavior or emotional response as a fixed part of who they are and something situational that you can help them through.
Using discipline to punish rather than teach
Should your children suffer the consequences of bad behavior? Yes, of course they do. But when discipline moves from teaching to punishment —especially if that punishment causes harm, embarrassment, or shame—you enter toxic territory. Psychologist Karen Young of Hey Sigmund explains it well here (and suggests a different approach):
Discipline comes from the word “disciple,” which means “to teach.” Discipline was never about punishment for the sake of punishment or punishing them for everything they did wrong. In toxic families, children learn to prepare for the next traffic jam, which is often impossible to foresee. When we punish them too harshly for everything they do wrong, the environment seems fragile. The need for control is heightened by what can come out of nowhere. When they make mistakes, it’s an important opportunity to show them that even if they aren’t perfect, they’re still okay, and sometimes they make mistakes.
Influence will always be greater than control. Influence comes from who they want to listen to, not who they fear. Don’t let punishment fill the gap when you don’t know what else to do. Be prepared to ask for space and time. “I’m not happy with the way you hurt your sister. I need to think about what happens next.” Alternatively, involve them in the process. “You really hurt her feelings by calling her names. What do you think should happen next?
Turning them off
My husband and I used to tell our son one thing that we thought would be reassuring, but actually made him feel worse: “You’ll be okay.” If he forgets his water bottle at home (my baby is thirsty), or realizes he has a longer walk than expected, or any other minor inconvenience he experiences, we’ll tell him he’ll be fine . Because we knew he would.
We knew we could find water if he was thirsty, we knew his legs might get tired, but they would still carry him all the way. We wanted to stop his growing anxiety, but our pathetic reassurance had the exact opposite effect. He was now feeling stressed and his parents were ignoring his feelings, which fortunately he once clearly articulated to us so that we could better support him in those little moments.
Children can feel what they feel. The way they act on their feelings may or may not be normal, but often they (like us) just need to be listened to and validated. And when we invalidate or ignore their feelings—or suppress them completely (“Stop crying, or I ‘ll give you something to cry about,” for example)—we create a toxic environment in which they no longer feel safe talking about them. their feelings.
Let your own disappointment get the better of you
We all scream from time to time. Sometimes we scream because someone is in real danger, sometimes we scream to be heard, and sometimes we scream because we are having a good day . But if we analyze our cries during times when we are calm, we can begin to notice patterns in our own pain points (for example, leaving for school in the morning), which is the first step towards a calmer state. you and therefore a more peaceful home.
Here’s what Jen Babahan writes for Reader’s Digest :
[Child psychology expert] Dr. [Jeffrey] Bernstein believes parents can understand how their own frustrations affect their child’s behavior. “When you learn to identify and manage your parenting frustrations, you’ll be amazed at how quickly you can improve your child’s challenging behavior,” he says.
This could mean scheduling extra time into your morning routine to prepare for a big breakfast, or the five extra minutes it takes your child to put their shoes on correctly. Instead of berating your child for not planning, find ways to reduce frustration before it starts.
Tell them about your personal problems
It’s great when a child grows up in a home where there is a lot of open and honest communication, but this openness and honesty goes beyond all limits when children are expected to take on the burden of adult problems. Your child is not the right person to talk to about family problems, financial stress, or toxicity in your extended family.
Even if you think you’re just venting, children may worry about what you told them long after you’ve done it. They don’t have the same perspective on the issue as you do, and even if you’re just momentarily annoyed that their dad didn’t take out the trash again, they might have a friend whose parents are going through a divorce, so they might be silently worrying right now , which means you are about to leave. You should be their sounding board, but not vice versa.
(Also, you should never blame them for any problems you encounter or imply how much easier life was before they came along. Children are quick enough to blame themselves for any things outside of their control; they need to know that they not only love you, but want you )
Compare your children to each other
You may have one child who tends to follow rules, do his chores, and get good grades, and another who doesn’t. When you all live under the same roof, it’s impossible not to notice differences in your children’s temperament and behavior; but these comparisons must constantly be in your head. Chances are they’d already noticed the differences anyway (how could they not?). A parent pointing out that one child is succeeding and another is failing is never an exercise in self-esteem, and self-esteem is what you want your children to have .
Remember that your children should be different – they are individuals. Some children are more difficult to raise, but often these children grow up and amaze us with who they become.
(While you’re at it, don’t compare them to your friends.)