How to Help Your Child Cope With the Loss of a Pet
My eldest son was sobbing uncontrollably. His teacher told us that this could happen: the health of Little Lou, the class’s favorite lizard, was rapidly deteriorating; Little Lu will most likely leave this mortal coil in a day or two. The entire class was visibly shocked and devastated.
This moment was my son’s first real encounter with grief, and I didn’t know what to say or do to help him navigate the flow of feelings and get through this moment. According to Florence Soares-Dabalos, MS, LMFT, customer support and wellness specialist at the Veterinary Medical Hospital. R. Pritchard at the University of California, Davis, we can start by listening to our children when they are ready to discuss what happened. . “Kids just need to know that it’s okay to feel what they’re going to feel,” Soares-Dabalo says.
There are other ways to help children cope with the grief of losing a pet, whether it’s a class pet or your family pet.
Keep it simple
Losing a pet can be sad, shocking and unexpected, and many young children are at an age where the concept of death can still be abstract. Discussing such a complex topic can seem daunting for parents, but the best place to start is by keeping it simple and recognizing the importance of your child’s relationship with their pet.
“[Children] do a pretty good job with the basics and validating their feelings,” Soares-Dabalo says.
There are certain terms that should be used and some that should be avoided.
When discussing the death of a pet, you should explain what happened in simple but direct terms. Soares-Dabalo recommends telling your child that you are “saying goodbye” to their friend, that “his body has stopped working,” or that he is “not going to come back.”
There are also some terms that should be avoided. If a pet had to be euthanized, Soares-Dabalo advises avoiding “euthanization” or “euthanization.”
“This can cause some fear and anxiety in the child,” she explains. “They don’t have the abstract thought to understand that the word ‘fall asleep’ can be used in another way.”
Follow your child’s lead
Soares-Dabalo recalls the story of a parent who was worried about his daughter after the death of a rabbit. When she met with her daughter, she showed Soares-Dabalo photographs she had drawn of a rabbit and held a memorial to the pet, showing Soares-Dabalo that she was overcoming her grief and taking care of herself.
“Some kids don’t want to talk. Some children need to play. Some kids need to be creative,” explains Soares-Dabalo. “Sometimes it’s really okay to follow your child’s lead about their feelings and just keep the door open to talk.”
You should also follow your child’s lead when possibly making a pet change. They can show you that they are ready by telling you that you have it.
“Every parent should evaluate this on their child, but leave the door open and then let the child decide when they are ready,” adds Soares-Dabalo.
Discuss how you feel
The child may seek confirmation of his sadness. A pet is part of the family, and although you may not show your grief in the same way as a child, don’t be afraid to share your feelings with them.
“It’s nice to know that other people are experiencing loss and that we are not alone,” Soares-Dabalo says.
Talk to your teacher or professional
Soares-Dabalo notes that there are times when children regress and start throwing tantrums, wetting the bed or engaging less in class, which can affect their grades. This behavior may be due to children experiencing grief over the loss of their pet. She recommends maintaining open communication with the teacher and consulting with a therapist if the situation does not improve.
Perpetuate the memory of a pet
A week after Little Lou died, my son’s class held a memorial for him. They brought the lizard’s favorite food (almonds) and each took turns sharing memories of their friend. A pet ceremony can help normalize the death, give children a chance to talk about their grief and show them how to cope, but it can also give them a sense of closure.
“Ritual is important,” says Soares-Dabalo. “It allows us to truly see that death is a part of life, and although it is unpleasant to be sad and cry all the time, we can get through it.”