How to Criticize Your Partner Without Hurting His Feelings
You probably said something like, “That was fun!” or “That was hot” after sex with your partner, but what about when you want to clarify? Perhaps you’d like them to stop biting your neck so much, or you might want them to start performing oral sex on you more often. We all know that communication is the key to a better sex life, but knowing how to tell your partner that you’d like him to stop doing something in bed without crushing his feelings is a little trickier.
“Providing sexual feedback, including criticism, which I like to call ‘pleasure cues,’ is important for sexual pleasure in any relationship and continued sexual growth,” says Dr. Shamira Howard, a sexologist at We-Vibe. “However, it is not always easy to give sexual feedback, especially when it may be seen as negative or disapproving, because many people are not trained in how to engage in sexual communication. “In addition, sex is a very sensitive topic for many, and unfortunately, many people are conditioned to think that their sexual performance is already good.”
Talking about sex isn’t easy, but having those tough conversations—or, as Howard calls them, “pleasure signposts”—can be an integral part of a satisfying sex life, which can only strengthen your relationship. Here’s how to do it gracefully and respectfully.
When to say it
When talking about a lover’s sexual activities, Howard says it’s usually best to avoid discussing it immediately after a sexual encounter.
“Basically, sexual feedback… is recommended during sex if a person is experiencing pain or discomfort or if there are safety concerns,” she explains. “Sexual feedback conversations work best when each partner knows the conversation will happen, so it’s best to have a scheduled ‘sexual intimacy check-in’ on a weekly basis.”
She adds: “Best sexual practice is to always discuss sexual preferences before engaging in sexual activity. It may also reduce sexual anxiety and performance anxiety.”
What to say
Howard recommends asking these questions during a sexual intimacy assessment:
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What have you liked about our sexual relationship lately?
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What would you like us to do more sexily?
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What do you want us to do less sexually?
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What can I do differently or better to please you the next time we have sex?
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What should I know about you sexually to improve our sexual relationship?
If a sexual problem arises, such as pain, discomfort, trouble, or if something unsafe happens during sex, Howard says it’s best to speak up right away and give a visual signal of what you want.
“As long as you talk to your partner respectfully, there’s no wrong way to tell your lover that you want something different,” she says. “Many partners do best with a visual approach, saying things like, ‘Let me show you what’s best,’ or ‘Try it this way,’ showing them the way.”
What not to say
Howard says that when giving your partner sexual feedback, it’s important to be honest, straightforward and respectful.
“The goal is to achieve a solution-oriented outcome, so for every problem, offer a potential solution,” she explains. “So you can’t say things like, ‘You never do it right.’ This is a counterproductive approach to the situation and may prevent your partner from hearing and responding to your needs.”
She also suggests avoiding comments like, “This is the worst thing I’ve ever had,” or “My last partner did it this way.”
The first, she says, “is not kind and productive. You are not trying to hurt your partner’s feelings; your goal is to increase the pleasure you give and receive.”
Regarding the latter, Howard says there’s no point in comparing partners. “Your goal is to provide pleasure cues that will benefit from sex together,” she explains. “You’re here to have the best sex you can with each other, not to try to outdo the other partner.”