How (and Why) to Learn Active Listening
Whether we’re sitting in a meeting, listening to our partner tell us about their day, or listening to our favorite podcast, we can think of listening as a passive activity. In these scenarios, the person attending a meeting, telling you about their day, or hosting a podcast may end up being an active participant when all we have to do is listen. But if we do everything right, this is not the case.
Yes, the speaker and podcaster had to do some prep work, and it probably took some effort for your partner to recount the events of their day, but if you were actively listening to what they had to say, it took some effort on your part. , too much. If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of active listening, or if you come across it all the time but aren’t quite sure what it means, here’s what you need to know about what it entails and why it’s an important skill to develop.
What is active listening?
“Active listening involves being fully mentally present when someone else is speaking,” says Matt Eventoff, founder of Princeton Public Speaking , a communications strategy firm for executives. This means you don’t multi-task, formulate your response to what the other person is saying, or let your mind wander.
It is also important to note that active listening is not limited to a specific type of communication: it can and should be practiced at work, at home, in social situations, in the classroom, while running errands, and so on. While you can benefit from actively listening to a work meeting, conference presentation, or podcast, the focus here will be on one-on-one conversations.
Despite its buzzword status, Eventoff says the concept of active listening is not widely understood. And because it takes effort, even those who know how to actively listen do not always put in the effort. “The reality is that a lot of conversations are really about two people formulating what to say, being polite and waiting their turn to say it, rather than a full interaction,” he says. “Everyone is to blame for this, including me.”
“In addition to being present, active listening also involves curiosity,” says Daniel Boscaglione, executive coach and founderof the Healthy Relationships Academy , which helps businesses and organizations create healthy work environments. “It encourages your conversation partner to be curious about what’s being said by asking gentle questions that encourage deeper thinking,” he says.
How to Develop and Practice Active Listening Skills
While active listening is intuitive and relatively simple for some people, it can be a challenge for others, especially those who have trouble concentrating. It’s also hard to do if you’ve never heard of it before and don’t know where to start.
The first thing to keep in mind is that active listening is a skill that many people need to learn and then work to develop. Here are some techniques and examples to get you started.
Basics
To practice active listening while talking to another person, be present and focused on what they are saying, says Eventoff. Don’t try to get ahead of yourself and start thinking about how you’re going to answer them; this may cause you to miss important details. When the other person finishes their thought, pause before responding to give yourself time to think about what the other person said. This should go without saying, but don’t interrupt the other person while he’s speaking: listen to him and wait until it’s your turn to respond.
For example, if a coworker criticizes your contribution to a project at work, don’t interrupt him to defend yourself or start making a mental list refuting each of his accusations. Instead, listen carefully to each of their concerns and how they came to their conclusions. When they finish, pause to collect your thoughts and then respond.
Nonverbal cues
In certain friendly, casual situations, some people appreciate verbal interjections that confirm that the other person is listening and that what they are saying is captivating: expressions such as “no way!”, “seriously?!” and “QUIT”. However, this is the exception rather than the rule. In most other conversations, people often prefer that the other person maintain what Boscaglione calls “an engaged and focused silence” during the conversation.
At the same time, you should do something to let the other person know that you are watching what they say. Use nonverbal cues such as nodding, tilting your head slightly, making (appropriate) eye contact, and mirroring the other person’s posture. Stick to what you do naturally because, as Eventoff notes, these moves “can also seem contrived if they are not done sincerely but are pre-planned.”
For example, if your friend asks to meet in person to tell you that her mother has cancer and explain what she knows and doesn’t know yet, use nonverbal cues to let her know you’re listening, such as offering your support . Instead of waiting for a short pause to start talking about your own experience with a sick relative, or immediately asking a bunch of questions she was going to answer, nod as she shares information and make eye contact when it seems appropriate. .
To ask questions
In addition to showing your interest in what he has to say, asking someone specific questions can also demonstrate that you are actively listening to him. There’s nothing wrong with asking broader questions, but including questions that clearly reference what you’ve already been told shows that you’re paying attention and interested.
As Boscaglione notes, every conversation flows differently, so there’s no set list of questions that will work every time. But, he says, when in doubt, you can always ask what someone means by a particular word or term they used, or simply ask them to say more about the topic they brought up.
Depending on the situation and the type of conversation, Boscaglione says another option you may have is to start by asking what type of listening would be most helpful to him. “Some exchanges benefit from a lot of small issues,” he says. “Others are enriched by allowing time for a deeper question to arise or to search for words. Knowing how to initially focus on the speaker will help you develop a flexible listening attitude as you go.”
For example, if your partner comes home after a hard day at work and it’s clear that he wants to tell you about it, give him your attention by remaining present while he shares details that may have nothing to do with you. However, when the conversation gets to the point where you should say something, ask them a question that is relevant to what they just told you, such as, “Are you going to talk to HR about this? » or “How long do you stay with him on your team?” or “Has your boss noticed how much he’s relaxing?”
Exercise
Of course, the best way to develop any skill, including active listening, is to practice. And you don’t have to wait until you get to work or have a serious conversation with a family member: This is something you can do even during short conversations with people you encounter throughout the day, Boscaglione says, such as clerks. waiters, etc. drivers, for example.
Why active listening is important
Everyone involved in a conversation benefits from active listening. This makes the speaker feel listened to, respected and valued. At the same time, the listener leaves with a full understanding of what was said, knowing that they did not miss important information. It’s also a broadly applicable skill that you can use in most conversations, including with coworkers, family members, romantic partners, and friends.
“Active listening is the best way to create mutually supportive, sustainable and enjoyable relationships,” says Boscaglione. “Not only does this help on a practical level of sharing information, but it also builds depth and trust in others.”