Use Polyvagal Theory to Feel More Comfortable in Social Situations
Who hasn’t been in a social situation where they felt awkward and tried to be as inconspicuous as possible? I felt this recently at a crowded performance at my child’s school. I tend to keep my head down and stay on the perimeter, not interacting with anyone unless I’ve known them for a while.
As it turns out, this was a mistake: when you keep your distance and keep your eyes down, you miss potential signs of greeting from other people who want to connect with you and reassure you. Instead, you should focus on looking for signs of greeting from other people and projecting such signs of greeting so that you appear approachable to others.
How does the polyvagal theory work?
According to polyvagal theory, our bodies respond to safety or warning signs from the eyes, voices, faces and gestures of others. This is easier to learn if you start with situations in which you already feel comfortable. By noticing the smiles, eye contact, and voices of people who make you feel safe, you can more easily recognize these cues in social situations where you may feel less comfortable.
Try the Signs of Welcome exercise from licensed clinical social worker Deb Dana , The Polyvagal Card Deck: 58 Practices for Calm and Luck . According to Dana, your nervous system picks up signals from other people’s eyes, voice, face and gestures to determine whether they are dangerous or safe to communicate with. To identify signs of greeting that you personally respond to, think about someone with whom you feel safe and connected.
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Try to notice or remember what it is about them that makes you feel welcome. Is there a certain level of eye contact? Are your eyes open and interested?
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What is their tone of voice? Perhaps they speak loud enough to be heard clearly, but not so loud that they startle. You may be reacting to the energy or laughter in their voice.
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What is their facial expression? Smiling, neutral or something else?
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What is attractive about their gestures? Do you feel welcomed by an outstretched hand, a certain posture, or an approaching hug?
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What sensations do you experience in your body when you feel safe and connected?
Use polyvagal theory to be more hospitable
Now use the same prompts to think about what your eyes, face, voice, and body communicate to other people. Do you look people in the eyes, smile lightly, wave your hand slightly?
Think about how you would express yourself if you walked into a room full of close friends or family members. These same signs (perhaps taken up a notch) will let strangers or acquaintances know that you are open to communication.
Remembering my withdrawn posture at a recent school play, it was no surprise that no one wanted to interact with me or that I missed all the friendly faces around me. “As you become aware of these signs of greeting, you can be intentional about sending connection invitations and keeping an eye out for invitations from others,” Dana writes.
You can feel the difference between safety and danger because physiological changes occur in your body. For example, feeling safe and in control actually relaxes the middle ear muscles, allowing you to hear spoken language better rather than detect the lower tones of potential threats, according to Stephen Porges , the neuroscientist who developed the polyvagal theory. When people interact socially, they regulate their nervous systems by exchanging safety signals.
“Essentially, when people feel safe, their nervous system maintains the homeostatic functions of health, growth, and repair, while they become available to others without feeling or expressing threat or vulnerability,” Porges writes.
Practice feeling a friendly atmosphere
Our nervous system is excellent at picking up any signals that we expect to detect. If you go into a meeting feeling threatened, you may misinterpret signals as unsafe when in fact there is no danger. Before you get into a scary social situation, try this exercise: Take a few minutes to imagine people, places, or activities that make you feel safe. Notice if your body feels more ordered and calm. With practice, you can learn to feel safe and connected in new social situations.
According to Dana’s book Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection , with practice you can improve your perception of safety cues. “Safety symbols that are often overlooked among danger signals can be recognized and will become more common over time,” she writes.