How the Spoon and Fork Theories Can Make You More Compassionate With Yourself (and Others)
A theory that has been around for many years and describes a person’s ability to accomplish material and emotional tasks, called the spoon theory, originated as a tool to allow people with chronic illnesses to communicate with those who do not have chronic illnesses. A newer theory, called the fork theory, uses a different cutlery to symbolize how external stressors can affect different people more than others. Both cookware theories can be applied to anyone, especially those of us who are close to or in the state of burnout.
What are spoon and fork theories?
The spoon theory originated in a diner: In an essay by Christina Miserandino , a writer with lupus explained to a friend that having a chronic disease like lupus can make it difficult to complete everyday tasks because “the difference between being sick and being healthy is having to making choices or consciously thinking about things when the rest of the world doesn’t need to. Healthy people have the luxury of a choice-free life, a gift that most people take for granted.” Each “unit of energy” is represented by a spoon. Some people have more spoons than others. If you have hundreds of spoons, taking a shower, grocery shopping, answering undone emails, and cooking dinner still leaves you with spoons (i.e. energy) for socializing with friends later in the day. However, if you only have five spoons, something has to give.
The fork theory comes from Jen Rosenburg, who wrote about it on her blog . She says: “The theory of forks is that a person has a limit of forks, meaning you can probably handle one fork stuck in you just fine, maybe two or three, but at some point you’ll lose your shit if there’s another fork.” The forks here are external stressors, such as traffic, hunger or conflict with a loved one. Some forks are larger than others, but at some point too many forks can confuse you. If you already have a fork of chronic disease, then a smaller fork like hunger may be enough to squash your resolve, whereas for someone who doesn’t yet have a big fork, the discomfort of hunger doesn’t matter as much.
Use the Spoon Theory to Find Self-Compassion
Applying the spoon theory to your life is an exercise in self-compassion. “Everyone has limited spoons to one degree or another, and everyone has a limit,” says Dr. Devon Price , social psychologist, professor and author of Laziness Does Not Exist . He says, “I think the biggest benefit of the spoon theory is that it asks us to identify which tasks in our lives require energy and how much energy they use.” However, convincing yourself that it is normal that you have so much energy (so many spoons) is more difficult than counting spoons.
As a first step, Price suggests, “Monitor your daily activities every day for a week or so, as well as your energy levels, and really pay attention to what’s draining you. What goals do you put on your to-do list over and over again, but never get around to achieving them? At what point in the day do you get tired and what did you just do before you hit that wall?” Once you recognize your own patterns, you can begin to prioritize the tasks that matter most to you and say goodbye to those that can be overwhelming and unnecessary. An important lie to let go of is the idea that you HAVE to do all these tasks. As for both himself and others, Price says, “Your expectations need to be seriously revised.”
Use Fork Theory to Recognize Your Biggest Stressors
Arb theory is best used, at least initially, as a retrospective analysis of where things went wrong. Price says, “Look at the moments when we have truly lost the ability to function—when we have a meltdown or explosion from stress—and then (try to) reverse engineer the circumstances that brought us to that point. What did we do? What was the environment like in terms of incentives? What obligations did we have the whole week before this breakdown?” Sometimes, he says, those stressors are in the background. Examples include a chronic illness, a temporary stressor such as worrying about a sick loved one, or a mental illness such as depression. Sometimes they are obvious in the moment, for example if you are in a difficult situation or struggling with a migraine. Spoons often come from within and represent energy that you direct towards an external task. Forks attack from the outside and represent obstacles.
Again, to truly improve your life using these theories, you need self-compassion. If you’re already dealing with a depressive episode, you’ll certainly have a hard time paying your taxes this year. Instead of comparing yourself to others or even to your past self, fork theory helps you visualize the real reason to give yourself a break.
How Spoon and Fork Theories Can Help You Understand Others
Learning the spoon and fork theory can help you empathize with loved ones who are also going through something, especially regarding people with disabilities. Price says, “You’ll have to do a lot of internal work to dispel any preconceptions you may have when your loved one doesn’t live up to your expectations.” The point of his book Laziness Does Not Exist is that a disabled person is not lazy – he just doesn’t have enough spoons or has too many forks in his back.
Price says, “Whenever you see a person underperforming or feeling frustrated at a task, it is not due to some personal failure on his part; it’s because they hit barriers that are invisible to others.” For example, a depressed person cannot do housework because “you cannot see the intense weariness and pain of daily existence that holds a depressed person down.” If you imagine work as a spoon and pain as a fork, you may be able to imagine what they are feeling and understand them better or feel more willing to provide support. When it comes to you and others, Price says, “By being gentler with yourself and being more careful about your limits, you can better understand how your loved one is doing.” Hopefully, such compassion will lead to less illness, depression, and burnout.