How to React When Your Child Hurts Your Feelings
When it comes to insults, children have stepped up. You can blame social media or a more sensitive parenting style, but this generation knows how to throw a good barb. But with great power comes great responsibility, and sometimes when children make fun of their parents, our feelings can get hurt.
“When [children] learn that [they] can say whatever [they] want to say and nothing comes out of it except for your mother telling you that you really shouldn’t say it, that’s not serious enough.” to change behavior,” says psychologist and co-author of The Social Black Belt, Dr. Christopher Kortman.
Then how should a parent react when a child says heartbreaking things to him?
They test your limits, so set some
Although you may feel bad when your children challenge you, it shows that they are on the right track developmentally. As they get older, children test your limits to see how far they can go.
“As parents, it’s important to provide that structure because if you don’t, it’s not in their best interest,” Kortman says. “It’s definitely not yours.”
You may have noticed something else about your children: they are keen observers, but although they can read a room, they are not able to draw correct conclusions about what they observe. For example, if a child sees his father diving headfirst into a swimming pool and his wig falls off, the child, unaware that his father is wearing a wig, may conclude that diving headfirst will cause his hair to fall out too.
“Children don’t know until they’re taught,” Kortman says. “We need to provide good training on what is acceptable. You want to give them exactly the amount of help they need so they can do as much as possible on their own.”
Sometimes they say it because they’re hurt
The child knows that the best way to hurt your feelings is to say that he hates you. Kortman says what your child is really trying to say is that he doesn’t like how he feels at the moment and is in a lot of pain. They don’t really hate you. Take a deep breath and take the opportunity to discuss what they are going through.
“Make sure your discipline is reasonable,” Kortman says. “Always do it honestly. This will allow your child to say, “Yes, this is a natural consequence of what I did.” It shouldn’t feel like you’re hitting them with an elephant gun when it’s just a mosquito bite.”
Remember that you will get what you give and vice versa.
Families know each other best, and with that familiarity comes a joke or joke at the expense of someone else. Kortman doesn’t think it sets a bad example for children, but it may expose them to an unspoken social construct.
“You better expect them to get back at you,” he adds.
Tell them how you feel
We want to teach our children to be open with their emotions. However, if they hurt your feelings with an insult or two and you keep those feelings to yourself, you are setting a bad example. Not only are you missing out on the opportunity to reach them, but they are also unaware of the consequences of their actions.
“If you show that you’re bulletproof, you won’t teach them anything good,” Kortman says. “Then they’ll just up the ante.”
You can also share past examples of when their feelings were hurt by someone else so they can remember what that was like. (“Do you remember that time when…? It was unpleasant, wasn’t it?”) This may help. they develop empathy for others. Most importantly, keep the lines of communication open despite your feelings so that your children don’t fill in the blanks or assume the worst. Most likely, your child did not want to offend you.
Believe it or not, they say it because they care.
Sometimes children can be hurt by harsh criticism. They may think you drink too much beer or soda, or they may be concerned about your weight or smoking habit. Remember, they are saying these things because they are concerned about you, not to hurt your feelings.
However, if you’re concerned about how someone else might take their criticism, Kortman recommends teaching them to know their audience. Show children that they need to start with kindness so that the recipient understands the meaning of what he is saying. Start by saying, “I love you so much and I never want anything to happen to you and I’m worried about…” This will set the tone for what comes next.