Avoid These Phrases When Supporting a Friend (and What You Should Do Instead)

Most people face grief and other difficulties at some point in their lives, so you’d think we’d all be old professionals offering support to others when they’re going through tough times. Unfortunately, this usually doesn’t work. We may struggle to find the right words and resort to the same cliched phrases even though we know they would drive us crazy if the roles were reversed.

“People generally don’t want to hear one-liners that are expected to ‘solve’ their problem,” says Melissa Flint, Psy.D. , a clinical psychologist specializing in grief and an assistant professor at Midwestern University. “They want someone to just be with them rather than correct them.”

So, which “support” phrases still have influence, and which are now perceived as empty clichés? Like grief itself, it is complex.

“Supportive” Clichés to Avoid

In a recent Preply survey , 60 percent of participants indicated that they had heard phrases that were supposed to be supportive but instead came across as cliché and insincere. Participants were also asked about specific phrases they found most annoying and empty. These include:

• You are stronger than you think.

• You are a fighter.

• Do you have it.

• You are not defined by this moment.

• You are an inspiration.

• You are capable of great things.

• I `m here for you.

• You are not alone.

• Keep going, don’t give up.

• I’ll cover you.

• You can do it.

• I was rooting for you.

• I believe in you.

• I believe in you.

• I’m here to listen.

• You are making progress.

• You are amazing.

• You’re doing great.

• I’m proud of you

• I’m here to listen.

• I’m here to support you in any way I can.

• I’m on your side.

Although they probably weren’t included in the survey, it’s generally best to avoid:

• Everything happens for a reason.

• It’s all part of God’s plan.

• [The deceased] is in a better place now.

The “Best” Supportive Phrases You Can Hear

Meanwhile, survey participants were also asked what phrases they like to hear from others when they themselves are going through difficult times, and they revealed the following:

• I’m proud of you.

• Do you have it.

• I believe in you.

• You’re doing great.

• I `m here for you.

• You can do it.

• I’ll cover you.

• I’m here to help.

• I’m here to support you in any way I can.

• You are amazing.

• You are not alone.

• I’m on your side.

• I’m here to listen.

• I believe in you.

• You are making progress.

• You are capable of great things.

• You are stronger than you think.

• You are an inspiration.

• Keep going – don’t give up.

• You are a fighter.

As you’ve probably noticed, there’s a lot of overlap between this list and the one above. This makes sense, Flint says, because everyone has different ways of supporting themselves. “No one phrase will be universally useful, so it may be best to consider the intention behind the words,” she says.

Why is it so hard to find something truly supportive?

In short, because we as a society are uncomfortable with grief and other difficulties—whether we experience them ourselves or try to support other people, says Flint. When we don’t know what to say or don’t want to spend a lot of time thinking about the dark events in life, it’s much easier for us to fall back on the same tired expressions we were taught or heard ourselves.

“We often hear and then move on to steps that minimize the situation, are cliché at best, and more often than not are just hurtful because that’s all we need to work on,” she says. “These phrases are often more about us than about the person being accepted.” When we use them, we are essentially trying to convince ourselves that the other person can handle a difficult situation, and in the process freeing ourselves from the “in the trenches” care that they need now and may need for quite some time. for a long time, Flint explains.

How to support someone who is going through a difficult time

Because there is no one-size-fits-all phrase or statement, Flint recommends focusing on staying in the present moment rather than trying to think of the perfect thing to say. “Remember: sometimes the biggest support in grief is not words at all,” says Flint. In other words, when it comes to offering your support , show, don’t tell. This could be things like leaving someone a note or package, delivering groceries, or walking the dog. “Real grief support is support, not talk about providing support through platitudes,” says Flint.

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