How Overburdened Parents Can (and Should) Ask for Help

Remember when you were little and asking questions was easy? You weren’t expected to know everything, and everyone understood that you would need help sometimes. However, now that you are a parent helping your children, asking for help yourself seems much more difficult, even if you feel as lost and in need of guidance as you did years ago.

“At a young age, you asked incredibly difficult questions without fear, hesitation, and with conviction,” writes Laura Fredericks in her book , Hard Questions Made Easy: How to Get Exactly What You Want . “The request was always in you.” Figuring out how to disclose “asking” as an adult can be surprisingly difficult, but it pays dividends.

Fredricks’ tips on how to ask questions apply to big questions, like talking to your employer about needing more flexible hours, or to questions that just seem important, like asking a parent you know to ask for a favor. And any parenting situation that feels overwhelming is an opportunity to ask for help, whether from your partner, your children, family members or other members of the community. Here’s how to ask an overwhelmed parent for help.

There are four types of “askers”

Fredericks identifies four types of “askers.” You can take her test to find out your type here . And understanding this will help you become better at asking for help when you need it.

Here’s an overview of the advantages, disadvantages, and tips for each type of ask.

Negotiator

This questioner wants everyone to feel at ease and to be well prepared and have attention to detail. Their style can make the person they ask feel too casual, as if the request is not that important. This type of questioner should try to be more direct, avoid overly pleasant nods and smiles, and calmly resolve conflict rather than try to smooth things over.

In practice, it might look like this: The negotiator might want to tell his employer, “I think we agree that it is more efficient for me to work from home while my child is out of school than to use PTO and lose a day working on a presentation.” right?” It would be better to take a more direct approach: “We talked about how important it is to give a presentation this week, and I can handle that. I need flexibility on Thursday as my daughter will be home from school. Can I work from home on Thursday to finish my part and we can finish on Friday?”

Empathetic

This questioner spends most of his time listening and putting himself in the other person’s shoes. They may be so focused on others that they end up leaving themselves (and the importance of their need for help) out of the equation. Sympathizers, remember that you are asking for yourself, yes, but also on behalf of your family group. Try to shift your focus from sympathizing with how it will inconvenience the person you are asking about, to the people who would benefit from their help.

For example, the Empathizer needs her husband to pick up the children while she goes to the emergency room for a sudden illness. She immediately realizes he’s had a busy day and her sympathy gets in the way. She might say, “I see that you are very busy at work right now. I was hoping you could pick up the kids while I went to the doctor, but it might be easier for me to find an emergency room later in the day so I can go after you get home. Best approach: “I know you’re having a rough day. This is not a good time, but I really need you to take the kids so I can see a doctor and start feeling better. If not, then tomorrow may be even harder.”

Leading

This questioner attracts attention, is entertaining and interesting, works to develop relationships, but asks indirectly. In fact, it may not be entirely clear that they are asking for anything. Fredricks suggests talking 25% of the time and listening 75%. Be careful not to dominate your personality, and don’t bury your request in long-winded speech.

Here’s an example: The presenter comes into a PTO meeting waving, smiling, and making jokes for everyone. He tells everyone about the plan for the Fall Festival, how fun it will be, that he will be judging the pumpkin competition. At the end of the meeting, the volunteer sign-up sheet is blank because he failed to emphasize that everyone else’s contribution of time and materials will be critical to a successful event. To be more effective, the presenter could energize everyone with their enthusiasm, mention how their individual skills will help in the project, and directly ask for their willingness to volunteer.

Spellcaster

This questioner commands attention with his words, stories, and beliefs. However, they may seem too direct. Spellcasters should get to know people by asking open-ended questions, beware of a tone that is too harsh or too direct (which can seem aggressive), and make verbal requests more personal and less direct.

Here’s an example: Charming girl needs a new nanny as soon as possible. At dance class, she tells the other moms a funny story about her old babysitter moving away, last-minute concert tickets, and her dilemma finding childcare. She hands each parent a card that says, “Write down the names and numbers of your best babysitters so I can call them all tonight!” It’s not a big deal, but it’s similar to a headshot situation. Instead, Enchantress could have sent a polite and simple message to her parents that said, “Hey, long story, but I need a babysitter tomorrow. Is there anyone you would recommend?

How to ask for help and get the answer you want

• Be ready. Choose the right environment to ask for a favor. Face-to-face communication may be best for a truly personal or emotional request, such as asking your partner to help you find the time, money and energy to see a therapist about burnout; you’ll get a lot of feedback on body language, but in person it can be difficult to schedule a last-minute request. A phone call is convenient and quick, but it lacks personal contact. The text is direct and simple, but you need to be very careful about your tone; use text for quick requests from people you know well, such as asking a friend if you can borrow their backyard movie screen for the weekend.

• Be personal. Be aware of the interests, motivations, and lifestyle of the person you’re asking, and how these things might influence their answer. For example, if you want your child to help prepare for a visit, emphasize how much fun he will have with Aunt Hope. If they help you make your bed, they might organize an army of stuffed animals to keep it company.

• Be present. During a questioning conversation, be sure to listen carefully to the other person and stay close.

• The format asks two sentences and one question. “This will prevent you from overdoing the question or making it too confusing for the person to make a decision,” Fredricks wrote. Try this: Suggestion 1: Acknowledge and empathize with the person you are asking for help. Suggestion 2: Explain why you need help. Question: Ask how you can solve the problem together. For example: “I appreciate you cleaning the backyard this weekend—it was so hot. I wish we could spend more time there as a family. Can you figure out how to get us some of these big patio curtains?

• Expect their reaction. For serious questions, such as asking for a raise, think about what they might say and how you would respond to each response. Fredricks suggests you write it all down to gain confidence in how you will respond.

What to do if the answer is “no”

Fredericks shares three mantras to help you accept “no.”

• “No” now is not “Never later.”

• “No” now is an invitation to stay in touch with them.

• “No” is an answer, much better than never getting an answer.

If possible, find out why they said no so you can know if you are the right person to turn to for help another time. Raising children is a long journey, and the people who care about you will be in a better position to help.

“Finally, if you just can’t find a way to try these answers or it’s just not your style, consider this. You have a clear answer,” Fredricks wrote. “It’s worse, much worse, not getting an answer and chasing it with numerous follow-ups, eating up your time, than getting your answer. They really did you a favor. They have replyed”.

First of all, you need to learn to calmly ask for help.

From managing schedules to illness to struggling with emotions and relationships, parenting is often an overwhelming task. The thought of having to do everything yourself is just an added stress factor to the equation.

Sometimes when I’m feeling down, just making a list of people I can turn to for help brings relief. Start by having the courage and confidence to ask for help, then let people know you’re willing to offer help in return, and before you know it, you’ll have built an entire network of supportive parents.

More…