How to Disagree About Politics Without Ruining Thanksgiving

For many families, arguing over politics is as much a Thanksgiving tradition as your Aunt Norma’s “special” green beans. Distant relatives who have spent a year immersed in their chosen echo chamber are almost guaranteed to show up at dinner, ready to make a strong case for their opinions. But that doesn’t mean this year’s holiday dinner has to turn into a shouting match.

Even in our balkanized political culture, it is usually possible to respectfully disagree. It’s not easy, but it’s possible, according to Utah Gov. Spencer Cox and Colorado Gov. Jared Polis. Polis, a Democrat, and Cox, a Republican, are co-leaders of Disagree Better , an initiative of the National Governors Association aimed at finding a way for Americans of different political persuasions to work together. Their focus is mostly on public policy, but the pair also have practical advice for everyday people on how to share controversial political views without throwing cranberry sauce on the floor.

“There’s no reason why your MAGA uncle and your woke niece couldn’t sit down together and talk,” Polis said at a recent event held at Colorado State University. “We have a holiday coming up—Thanksgiving, a national day of gratitude—and I think at the dinner table of most large families [there are] people of all different political persuasions. This is a good opportunity to be curious, ask questions, and be polite. I think too often we treat politics as something that can’t be discussed without toxicity, but it’s kind of a denial of what it means to be [in] a republic.”

One “magic question” to defuse a heated political conversation

According to Governor Cox, there’s a “magic question” you can ask to get along with almost anyone: “Tell me more about why you think that.”

“This question does two things: it puts me at ease and it shows me that I’m interested in the other person,” Cox said. “If you ask that question enough times to get to the “why,” you will find that you and them have something in common. Because it almost always comes down to the fact that they love their country, their family and their community.”

The worst thing you can do in a political discussion: attack

Whether you want to change people’s minds or just get through the pumpkin pie course without crying, the worst rhetorical tactic you can use in a political discussion is attack.

“We always think, ‘This time it’ll work.’ If I just tell them how stupid they are this time, they’ll change their minds.” But it never works,” Cox said. “No one ever changed their mind about attacking them.”

Instead of attacking, approach with humility. According to Cox, internalizing the idea that you can be wrong is a useful approach to any potentially confrontational political disagreement. Cox says you don’t have to think you’re probably wrong, just be open to the possibility that you might be wrong. If you do this, your conversation will be much better.

“It gives the other person permission to think they might be wrong too,” Cox explains.

Identity and Politics: Addressing the Roots of Our Divisive Political Rhetoric

One of the key points that both Polis and Cox emphasized was that our current political climate is not normal.

“You might think that’s the policy or that’s the way it should be, but it’s not,” Polis said. “I don’t accept this.”

Comparing the thoughtful debate between Cox and Polis with the typical bombast of national political leaders highlights the commodification of political outrage that is largely responsible for our current division.

“If you want to get on cable news, you have to say some pretty crazy things,” Cox said. “What we end up with is a Congress full of performers, people who don’t get anything done because that’s what we incentivize.”

His remedy for ordinary people: turn off cable news.

“My wife and I just celebrated 11 years of being cable-free, and our marriage is better, our family is better, and we are happier and healthier,” Cox said.

Another issue that governors have highlighted as a source of political controversy: isolation.

“People are too lonely, so they find their tribes [online]. Like, if I don’t have friends, at least we can hate the same people on Facebook together.” – Cox said.

According to Cox and Polis, the stimulated political poison combined with loneliness has led the population to align itself with ideological positions to an unhealthy degree. Part of how we can all do better, governors say, is to try not to define ourselves by our political views.

“If you think of yourself primarily as a conservative or a progressive or a liberal or whatever, then you’re doing something wrong,” Cox said. “Historically, our political identity has ranked low on the list of how we define ourselves. Growing up we were Rams, we were Aggies, we were moms and dads, Americans, Coloradans, and eventually you get to “I’m a Democrat.” or “I’m a Republican.”

Talk about politics, but talk about other things too.

While participation and healthy discussion about current events is positive, at the end of the day (Thanksgiving) there is a lot to talk about that isn’t political.

“We need to be able to interact and have these conversations, but if that’s all you want to do, wherever you go. You won’t have friends,” Cox said. “So find some real friends and talk about other things.”

“If the conversation starts to get off the rails or get heated, turn on the football,” Polis suggested. The Rams are set to beat Nevada this weekend. We can all rejoice in that.”

When not to have a political conversation

With all due respect to Governor Polis and Cox, their discussion focused on semi-sane people, but there are people with whom it is generally impossible to have a useful political conversation, and some of them may end up at your dinner table this Thanksgiving. A person who does not recognize the humanity of others – transphobes, anti-Semites, sexists, racists of all stripes – is not expressing a point of view worth considering or agreeing with. The person behind the argument may not be incorrigible , but his ideas are. You don’t have to tolerate intolerance, and with the rise of extremism in the United States, political disputes can lead to violence, especially when booze is involved, and there’s always booze around Thanksgiving.

After all, if a hated relative is present at a family dinner, you probably shouldn’t do it. Whatever sense of duty you feel toward your family during the holidays, it should not take precedence over your safety, both physical and emotional, so say “no, thank you.” Offer an explanation if you think it’s best, or simply say, “I had other plans” or “I have COVID.” After all, you are an adult. You can also try the “If they’re there, I’m out” approach, but don’t be surprised if you’re not the one chosen.

On the other hand, life is messy. Family dynamics can be complex. Principles can be surprisingly malleable. You may have your reasons for going to Thanksgiving dinner, even if your racist uncle Carl is handing you mashed potatoes. Maybe this is probably the last time you will see your grandmother, or maybe you don’t want to be written out in someone else’s will. If you find yourself in this situation, ignore the advice of Governor Polis and Cox. Saying, “Tell me more about why you think that,” while simultaneously arguing that you may be wrong, is not the best approach to an argument about whether the government should kill people for crossing the border or whether Democrats are actually satanic molesters. children. .

As for how to deal with this, I don’t know if there is a right answer. My own instinct (no doubt stemming from my dysfunctional past) is to avoid, deflect, and change the subject—anything to prevent a scene. But others say you should openly confront hate in your daily life, perhaps even if it ruins Thanksgiving for everyone. If you have answers, I’m listening closely.

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