8 Ways to Have Fun With a Soft Penis

If you believe what you see in porn, a typical sex scenario goes something like this: A man’s partner stimulates him until he gets an erection, he penetrates his partner, he comes and loses his erection, then the sex ends. Essentially, the meeting ends with the appearance and disappearance of his erection. But the truth is, great sex doesn’t depend on a hard penis. Just ask the many people who have a great time every day while their penises are soft.

“By expanding your sexual capabilities and not focusing on penetrative sex, you’ll be surprised at what you can do if you’re sexually creative,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sex expert for sexual health brand and retailer Lovers . “If you love someone who doesn’t have an erection, you can use positive reinforcement of other sexual things about them to encourage them.”

Here are some ideas for making intimacy fun when you can’t get an erection, have lost an erection, or just don’t want to focus on it.

Focus on giving pleasure

No matter what happens to your penis, you still have hands and a mouth. As Randall, a 34-year-old technical manager from New York who has had several pleasant encounters with the whiskey dick, says: “Use toys. Find that clitoris. And if both are perverts, then the world is your oyster.” (More on this later.)

Focus on having fun

Believe it or not, experts say you can have a lot of pleasure without having an erection at all. “Russian play and hand work will definitely bring pleasure to the recipient with a ‘soft turn on,'” says Good Vibrations sexologist Carol Queen . “Using your hands to pleasure a soft penis is much easier with lube and can feel like a massage.”

You can even achieve orgasm with a flaccid penis. “Erections and orgasms are governed by independent systems,” explains New York City sex therapist Steven Snyder, M.D. , author of A Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Term Relationship . “If a man is truly psychologically aroused, then orgasm can still happen even if he doesn’t have an erection.”

“I used to come in semi-soft, and it was weirdly intense,” says Jeff, a 30-year-old graduate student from New England. “The orgasms weren’t explosive, but they were powerful.” Not to mention, pleasure can be a lot of fun whether you climax or not.

Get in touch with your partner

Just because your penis is soft doesn’t mean you can’t use it to please your partner. “After one partner completely fucked me, she rubbed herself on me while I was soft after cumming and came again herself,” recalls Quinn, 43. “She would sit on top of me, I would hold her hips, and she would press herself against me.”

Rubbing your genitals against your partner’s genitals is called “pooing,” says Dr. Lee Phillips , a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. It is also sometimes called “Florentine” because it was known as a method of birth control in Florence, Snyder said. This was recommended by sex researchers Masters and Johnson as part of their sensual focusing technique, so that people could see how their penises could pleasure their partners without the pressure of causing an erection. To do this, you can lie on your back and position your penis so that it points towards your stomach, and then your partner slides back and forth on it. “Some couples can achieve orgasm this way,” Snyder says.

Intrusion attempt… but don’t count on it

While an erection is definitely useful for penetrating a partner, some people actually engage in penetration with a soft penis—called “stuffing,” according to Queen. “Rubbing the head of your penis up and down your clitoris is an amazing technique while you’re trying to see if you can get penetration,” she says. “Lubrication will be essential, and in most cases using your hands to help with the work is not only necessary, but enjoyable.”

However, achieving penetration without an erection can be difficult, so don’t try too hard—no pun intended. This is a time when you might want to enjoy the journey rather than focus on the destination.

Get kinky

When you open your mind to the world of kinks, you are presented with a range of ways to enjoy sex without an erection, from impact play (spanking, whipping, etc.) to restraint (cuffing, tying up your partner). Before undertaking any of these activities, it is important to discuss each person’s limits and establish a safe word for someone to say to signal “stop”. “One BDSM activity that uses a soft penis is chastity play, which sometimes involves the use of a toy called a cock cage ,” Quinn explains. Cock cages are toys that the penis is placed in and are designed to keep the penis soft until the partner holding the key releases it. If you want to explore this issue, be sure to get a comfortable toy and read about cock cage safety .

Experiment with anal play

While many of us may have been taught that the genitals are the epicenter of sexual pleasure, many people with penises experience arousal, pleasure, and even orgasm through anal stimulation, which does not require an erection. “The prostate gland is the G-spot on the body of the penis owner,” says Phillips. “When it’s imbued, it can be extremely satisfying. The partner can use a finger, a dildo or a vibrator.” However, be sure to use lube and go slow, especially if you’re new to anal play.

Use toys

If you want to experience penetration without an erection, a toy like the Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo Interactive can vibrate around the penis, whether it’s hard or soft. “Most penis owners find it enjoyable,” Phillips says.

Another toy worth bringing along is a strap-on. That’s right: those with penises can use strap-ons. “There are harnesses designed for people with penises, such as the Deuce Harness , so you can still enjoy penetrative sex with a soft penis,” says Stewart.

Engage your whole body

Keep in mind that your entire body may experience sexual pleasure; intimacy doesn’t even have to include touching below the belt. “Making sessions can be erotic,” says Phillips.

As Snyder says, “Good sex takes you to something special and makes you feel really good. Many foreplays fit this definition. Multiple penis-vagina intercourse does not do this. It’s always a good idea to make sex a full-body activity rather than just focusing on getting his penis into her vagina.”