A Beginner’s Guide to Sex Parties

While sex parties may seem intimidating to first-timers, they can offer a unique opportunity for individuals and couples to explore their sexual desires and fantasies in a consensual and open environment. When everything goes well, sex parties, also known as “play parties,” can be an empowering and affirming experience, but choosing a safe, appropriate venue for your specific needs is important, and knowing where to start can be challenging. Luckily, this fantasy is surprisingly easy to turn into reality.

How much do sex parties cost?

Before we talk about sex, let’s talk about money. The cost of attending a sex party can vary depending on the size, frequency or exclusivity of the event, and whether it is a special theme night. Generally speaking, standard admission prices can range from $100 to $200 for single men, $75 to $150 for couples, and $0 to $100 for single women. Some parties also offer a general price for each person, regardless of gender. Others are free with membership in organizations that accept them.

It’s not uncommon to see advertisements for free parties, but this is a case where you just might get what you pay for (or rather, don’t pay for). “If you’re going to a free party, it’s usually hosted by people you already know, a group of friends who are getting together at someone’s house or hotel for a small party,” says Daniel Saint, master conspirator and founder of The NSFW , New York Times. A York-based organization that hosts parties. “Drugs are more common at free parties, which can make the situation unsafe. I highly recommend staying away from free parties hosted by people you don’t know as I’ve heard too many horror stories.”

Paying to have fun may not be for you, but when you pay to party, you’re more likely to attend a well-organized and structured party where the hosts are experienced and safety is a priority.

How to find a sex party

Wanting to attend a gaming party is different from actually attending one. Not every fancy party, even one organized by swingers groups or other lifestyle clubs, will turn into an orgy. It’s best to find ones that are clearly advertised as sex parties so you don’t risk being disappointed at best or becoming a sex pest at worst at a regular old party. As a first step, try searching the Internet for “adult” or “swingers” parties based on the name of your city. Read any public club reviews you find, but don’t be discouraged if you don’t get much; these things are based on trust, discretion and often exclusivity, so reviews can be rare, which should be comforting if you’re worried about people finding out you ‘re trying to go.

See if the venues have policies that suit your needs, as parties may have different expectations or rules regarding dress code, what kind of sexual acts you are allowed to do, and even if they serve alcohol on site. Sex club laws vary by state, and in some places it’s illegal to explicitly advertise sex, so doing a more coded internet search can help with your Google search, but only if you know what to look for on Google. Saint adds: “A Google search usually brings up lists of sex clubs or popular events compiled by ‘top list’ websites, but these aren’t always the best and often feature groups that no longer exist… Via NSFW Chats , we have about 24 cities where members post local gaming parties and host their own, so it’s a good place if you’re looking for a more private, curated experience.”

Saint also suggests using Fetlife , a social networking site dedicated to fetishes and kinks that advertises over 18,000 upcoming events at any given time. It’s a reliable resource, but you’ll still have to check every ad you see. Do some background research to make sure the party is, in fact, a sex party: Fetlife lists events known as “snacks,” or gatherings where like-minded, kinky people meet to chat casually, usually at a coffee shop or café. If you want to go to a party alone, it might be a good idea to go grab a bite to eat and meet people socially first, but don’t expect to frolic at your local Starbucks.

Decide if you will go to a sex party alone.

Whether you decide to go it alone or with a partner, it’s important to set expectations and boundaries. If you’re going with a partner, you might want to ask questions like these ahead of time: What do you both want to happen? What are your boundaries? If either of you starts to feel uncomfortable, what is the exit plan? You should also discuss whether you are going to play with others or not, and what the rules are if someone approaches you. Most importantly, stick to your plan in the heat of the moment.

If you decide to go alone, make sure the club is large and, of course, reputable. Consent is always important at legal gaming parties. No one should ever touch you without permission, and the word “no” should always be respected. If the vibrations are gone, leave. There are reputable parties hosted by professionals who value respect and consent, so don’t stay where you don’t feel comfortable.

What to wear to a sex party

Each party has its own dress code. Some parties will require you to dress in your best evening or club wear, while others may ask you to wear more kinky leather clothing. Some parties have a theme, and if there is one, try it, but don’t emphasize it too much.

You don’t have to get naked if you don’t want to (or have sex, or do anything else you don’t want to do), but you should try to dress up a little. Underwear is a safe bet, but black jeans and a nice top usually work, too. Reputable parties send out their dress codes in advance, so if anything is required of you, you’ll know. If you are not sure, ask the owner. If they don’t answer a simple question about what to wear or don’t provide clear details up front, it could be a sign that the party isn’t well organized.

Consent and safety at sex parties

Any good party will put harmony above all else. Luckily, the question can be incredibly sexy. Knowing that someone else wants you and is respectful enough to ask you is awesome.

Never feel like you have to do something; there are a lot of people who come and just watch (and other partygoers who enjoy it). On the other hand, if you want to touch someone, ask first and always respect someone’s “no”; their presence at a sex party does not in itself constitute consent. As a general rule, do not join other meetings unless you are invited or have received consent. At parties with a good reputation, you’ll quickly find that approaching people and asking them to join is easy, so don’t worry about how it goes. Additionally, some clubs have a “ask once and once only” rule. If someone says no, don’t ask again. Giving and receiving verbal consent is important at parties, so don’t be afraid to say no to someone and don’t take rejections personally.

Many parties provide condoms and lube, but bring your own just in case. Respecting others and their health is extremely important, as is protecting your own.

Finally, you won’t have to get dirty at a gaming party.

Many people find game parties empowering. Having sex in front of others can be exhilarating, but going out with your partner only to once there realize that you don’t want to get intimate with them while you have an audience is completely normal.

“Sex parties can be a little nerve-wracking, so it’s important to be polite to each other,” says Saint. “I think it’s important for people to see that nervousness as excitement. Remember: attending a gaming party doesn’t mean you have to play. I know a lot of people who attend our events just to meet people and be around sexual energy. If you go into it thinking that you have to play, you will start to get nervous. Wherever you go, you control your experience.”