What to Do If a Colleague Continues to Humiliate You

If you’ve ever worked with people who seemed to put you down on a regular basis, you know it’s a frustrating experience. And undermining in the workplace can manifest itself in many different ways, from the person who dismisses your ideas or makes sarcastic comments in meetings to the person who often makes overly nice compliments that seem unnecessary or taken out of context. It is also common in some workplaces and can contribute to increased turnover. If you feel like a coworker is constantly putting you down, there are ways to deal with it. Here are some tips.

Determine how common the problem really is

Using absolutes such as “always,” “never,” and “all the time” to describe another person’s behavior is not helpful. In fact, this is also inaccurate because no person does anything or nothing all the time. Instead, evaluate the disruption you are experiencing.

For example, in your next three meetings with this colleague, count the number of comments or actions that you feel undermine him. Write them down for reference. Is this a comment or a question? Roll your eyes or laugh? Also pay attention to neutral and positive behavior or comments. Then look at the data. Does this coworker constantly put you down? Most likely no.

Ask a colleague to observe the interaction

Let’s say you do realize that disruptive behavior is not permanent, but it still happens frequently. You may sense this in the tone of the question or how often they disagree with the ideas you share. You feel like your point of view is not being heard. In this case, invite a trusted colleague to observe the interaction. Call it peer review. Describe what you are experiencing and ask them to observe and evaluate the interaction. Do they feel that the other person’s words or behavior undermine yours?

Asking a third party to observe what you are experiencing is a useful approach to figuring out a person’s dynamics at work. Our interpretations and reactions to others are not always correct. It is common to interpret another person’s behavior towards us as malicious, even though it was not intended that way. It’s also possible that your hunch is confirmed by your colleague, and that colleague is undermining you. In this case, involve your boss in solving the problem and ask him for help. Your boss might attend a couple of meetings with you to see the dynamics first-hand, and then discuss them with a colleague.

Try to understand what influences behavior

A colleague of mine started a new job last year and within the first two weeks, coworkers told her she should “keep an eye on her,” meaning working in a place where there is a lack of trust between coworkers. She said it was ominous and, frankly, a little strange. But nine months later, she understood the warnings. The culture was built on fierce competition with bonus payments based on individual success. This meant that teamwork, collaboration with others, or even information sharing were not encouraged. Instead, it was necessary to move forward in spite of others.

When she realized this, it helped her understand that the system in place encouraged people to behave in ways that degraded the environment. Some people were worse than others, so she spent time with colleagues who shared the same attitude as her. Understanding what influenced the work culture helped her cope.

You can do it too. See if there are external influences shaping people’s behavior. This does not mean excusing bad behavior; you need to understand this so that you can make some choices. My colleague decided to stay at her company because of the experience she is gaining in her field. For you this may or may not be the case. Either way, get the information you need so you can decide whether to stay or go.

Eliminate the behavior (or don’t do it)

If you want and feel comfortable, you can discuss the behavior with the offending co-worker. Stick to the facts if you want. In practice, this means that instead of saying, “I think you put me down in our meetings,” try saying, “I was interrupted three times in my last meeting.” Be as truthful as possible.

But you don’t have to solve the behavior problem either. Instead, you can focus on your own coping strategies. Perhaps before your next meeting, you can practice out loud what you will say if a colleague interrupts you. Or you put a sticky note on it to remind yourself to ignore the jerks and spend more time with like-minded people at work.