Ten Situations in Which You Really Should Keep Your Mouth Shut

The world is full of talkers, and that’s okay. We should all feel safe to raise our voices and sing; and what is the point of life without lively conversations, deep discussions in the middle of the night, ridiculous banter and loud, stupid jokes between friends? But in some situations, even an unapologetic idiot like me can hold back his yapping. Below are 11 situations in which it is better to remain silent than to say nothing at all.

When someone comes out to you

When the person you care about is blowing off steam, emptying their spleen, or talking about their shitty life, it’s almost always better to be quiet and listen. You can add supportive statements like “that must have been terrible” or “wow, that sounds unfair,” but don’t try to solve the problem. Most people have heard this advice before, but it is still difficult to follow. Seeing someone you care about in trouble is so uncomfortable that it’s only natural to try to “fix the situation” by offering solutions. But that’s usually not what the other person wants; they just want to feel heard and supported. If you don’t share this “let it all out” style, you may not recognize it in others, so don’t be afraid to ask if they’re looking for a shoulder to cry on or real solutions. Then answer accordingly.

When meeting a new group of people

Meeting a new group of people makes most of us nervous, and nerves make us talkative. We want to make a good impression, so we try to “sell ourselves” by talking a lot, but we end up doing the opposite. This is an especially bad idea if you’re a “new guy/girl” dating an established group of friends. If you are in this situation, don’t try to engage in “inside jokes.” Don’t try to impress by talking about how great you are. Don’t try to be the center of attention. Just listen more than usual until you understand the vibe enough to take careful steps to adjust. It’s better to be considered “that quiet person” than “that asshole.”

In situations involving the legal system

It’s rare to talk yourself out of trouble with the law, but it’s easy to talk yourself into it, so say as little as possible—nothing, if possible. This applies to being accused of a crime, being questioned by the police, participating in a civil dispute, serving as a juror, being investigated by someone about something, serving as a witness, answering questions during a deposition, and much more. If you are forced to speak, speak as briefly and clearly as possible. Words carry weight in a legal context. This is not a social situation in which you are trying to express yourself, please or be understood; it’s hostile and you’re trying to end this mess as quickly and painlessly as possible. Essentially, be the opposite of Mike “My Pillow” Lindell in any legal situation.

When your past or experience doesn’t matter

This is directed at my fellow straight white men. Dear SWM: It may be hard to believe, but there are times when your opinions, views, thoughts and experiences do not matter or are not valued. In these situations, don’t get angry, defensive, or try to change the subject. Just be quiet and listen. If you can’t do it, just keep quiet. Even if you vehemently disagree, just shhhh . Soon it will all be over and you can return to centering.

When people gossip

I’m torn about this. On the one hand, I know that I shouldn’t enjoy gossiping about other people, but I have to admit that I enjoy it. Therefore, I cannot say, “Don’t gossip about anyone.” Instead, I’ll say, “Don’t gossip about anyone unless you really don’t care if they hear what you said about them.” Because the subject of your gossip may well hear that you are talking behind his back – you will only talk to the same gossip, and these people talk all the time.

On your first day at work

It’s normal to try to “prove yourself” when starting a new business, to try to demonstrate your experience or creativity by being strong right out of the gate, but – just like when meeting new people in a social situation – it’s best to remain silent until you understand the environment. You don’t know yet, don’t know what the issues or challenges are, so anything you say will likely be unhelpful and could forever brand you as “that guy.” Instead, spend a lot of time listening and asking questions. You can try to “fix something” once you really understand what’s broken.

When you disagree with a stranger

Even if you really want to curse the guy who cut you off in traffic, it’s better to remain silent and move on with your day. Getting into a fight with someone you’ve never seen before and probably never will again is potentially dangerous, always unpleasant, and almost never satisfying, even if you’re 100% right. So just move on.

When the decision is made

Some life situations have certain endpoints that you didn’t necessarily agree with, such as being fired/fired from a job or ending a relationship. When someone says, “We’ve decided to let you go,” or “I’m leaving you,” the die is cast and it’s time to move on. There’s no good answer other than, “I think I’ll get my shit together.” The worst and weakest thing you can do is beg, threaten, bargain, or do anything other than nod and walk away.

When you stick to your guns

This is the flip side of the situation described above: when you have made a unilateral decision, such as firing someone or breaking up with them, there is little to gain by continuing to discuss the situation. Express the finality of your decision, but do not over-explain, defend, or justify it. Many believe that “this topic is still debatable.” But the die is cast, and it’s time to move on.

When you’re drunk and emotional

Getting drunk/high and encouraging people to settle old scores or try to rekindle a romance is a bad idea. There’s a reason there are apps that prevent drunk texting and an “undo send” feature in email programs: when drunk, people care less about the possible consequences. This doesn’t mean you should be silent about all your emotions when you drink a cup – only the negative ones. People who drunkenly tell their buddies, “I love you, man,” are the best people on Earth, as long as their buddies feel the same way.