Five Questions to Ask Yourself Before a Threesome

Threesomes are mostly seen as a way to spice up long-term monogamous relationships, but sometimes they’re just fun for a group of horny people rather than a sign of the relationship’s imminent demise. However, like many other sex acts, they (usually) don’t unfold the way they are shown on Pornhub. That is, it is unlikely that a hottie will come up to you and your partner at the gym or bar and say that they just need both of you right now . Threesomes are fun, but they usually require some advance planning and introspection. Ask yourself these questions before you do anything.

Why do you want a threesome?

It’s important to understand your motives here. Are you genuinely interested in new experiences or do you feel pressured by your partner? Do you want to experience this with your partner or are you just looking for a way to have sex with someone else? You should fully explore your reasons as a threesome can open up a lot of other issues if you’re not sure you’re into it.

According to Dr. Gavin Ryan Shafron , licensed clinical psychologist and couples counselor at Clarity Therapy NYC, “It’s worth exploring whether the desire to have a threesome is truly mutual, primarily for your partner or primarily for yourself. If it’s not a truly mutual decision and the desire is more one-sided, it can lead to some very complicated feelings.”

If you are not 100% ready for this, you may not be ready for any consequences. Your intention should be based solely on your desires and comfort, and not on any other external forces or expectations.

What do you want to get out of the experience?

If you’ve decided that you want to have a threesome because of your own wants and needs, the natural next step is to consider what those wants are and ideally phrase them in a more specific way than “having sex with two people.” Determining what you want to get out of it will help you approach a threesome the right way. Do you see a threesome as an opportunity for you and your partner to explore your relationship and open it up to others? Are you looking for deep connection or direct physical satisfaction? Which three do you want? Do you want to be served by two people, or do you want to play a more submissive role while serving them? Do you want to do FMF (female/male/female), MMF (male/male/female) or something more fluid? Do you want to create a strong connection with the other two participants and turn it into an ongoing activity, or do you want it to be a one-time experience? Do you have a specific fantasy that you want to live out, or is your fantasy more based on just going with the flow in the moment? Do you want your partner to fulfill his fantasy or have fun, are you excited about the prospect of satisfying a third person, or is your goal simply to satisfy yourself?

Writing it all out this way may seem unsexy, but it will reduce your chances of getting frustrated and will also help you talk to your bedmates so you can find ways to make sure you all get what you want. You might think this will be intuitive when it happens, but think about how strange the logistics themselves will be when you encounter it. Whose face goes where? Whose hand is this? It’s better to have a plan.

What are your boundaries?

“Setting boundaries that include the ability to stop or pause any behavior that makes you uncomfortable or raises difficult feelings can be extremely important for maintaining safety during the activity and in the relationship,” Shafron said. “After [the mentee], it is important to analyze how you both feel. Check in with each other. What worked? What’s wrong? He also notes that feelings can change, and what was exciting in the moment may cause unpleasant feelings later – this is normal, and you should be prepared for this.

Setting clear boundaries is an integral part of any sexual encounter. Discuss your boundaries with potential partners and make sure everyone is on the same page. A threesome is a shared experience and can bring a couple closer if everyone is open and honest about what they want and don’t want. The clearer you are, the better; Don’t leave things vague as this could leave you or your partners feeling hurt. While this may seem like a difficult conversation, it’s a lot easier than piecing together where everyone is after sex if there was no communication at all.

Some boundaries to consider are how much you want your partner to do with the other person, whether you want to have a sleepover afterward or go your separate ways, and what you don’t want him to do to you.

How strong is your relationship?

Saffron says that for people who communicate well and are open about their history and boundaries, threesomes and threesomes “aren’t that inherently bad.”

He adds: “This opens up more possibilities when the decision to invite others into the bedroom does not rest on a well-established foundation within the relationship. Regardless of the stage of the relationship, this decision should not be taken lightly.”

Jealousy can be a natural emotion that arises during a threesome. It’s important to consider how this may or may not affect your relationship. Are you prepared for any feelings of resentment that may arise from this? It is not uncommon to feel a sense of comparison with other partners and this can lead to feelings of inadequacy or insecurity in the relationship. Depending on how strong you and your partner are, these feelings can be discussed and ultimately make your relationship stronger if approached correctly, but it’s better to go into it firmly than to use it to strengthen your foundation after the fact.

Do you have an exit strategy?

It’s important to consider the possibility that a threesome might not go as expected, or that one of the participants might want to stop at any time. Discuss an exit strategy with your partners and establish a safe word or signal to indicate when someone feels uncomfortable and wants to end the experience, as well as what that looks like. Communicate in the moment. If you want a break, but don’t necessarily want the person to get dressed and take a dip, say so. If you want them to leave, say that too.

A threesome can be an exciting experience if you prepare for it properly. That being said, there is no perfect way to have a threesome. What helps is knowing your wants and needs and being able to communicate and discuss them with other members. Every person and couple’s experience is unique, so all three need to communicate before, during and after the meeting.