How to Help Children Develop Self-Awareness

When children are little, we tell them that they are good at everything, whether it’s a picture they drew or attempting a somersault in the park. But as children get older, more problems arise and they may begin to worry about not living up to expectations. Worse, they may let endless praise go to their head if they haven’t developed self-awareness. If you’ve seen any Will Ferrell movie from the 2000s ( Anchorman and Talladega Nights come to mind), you know it won’t help your child become a healthy adult.

“Not everyone is good at everything, and that’s okay,” says Dr. Caroline Leaf , a pathologist, clinical neuroscientist and author of Helping Your Child Make Sense of Their Mental Clutter . “We don’t want to breed narcissism.”

So how can parents encourage their children to discover their strengths and weaknesses and increase their self-awareness? We’ll share tips to help you stay honest and not damage your child’s self-esteem.

Lead by example

Leaf recommends building a connection by showing how you handle difficult situations and sharing your feelings with them rather than hiding them. No matter how hard we try to shield our children from the unpleasant parts of our lives, they are very aware of what is happening. Suppressing emotions can cause them to realize that they are the problem.

“You can connect, get a plan and implement it,” she explains. “This stops children from thinking there is something wrong with them and develops deep, meaningful, collaborative relationships. It also allows the child to be more relaxed and open about who they are and to explore their thoughts and beliefs.”

Let’s talk about weaknesses

Despite all the talk about praising our children too much or not enough, it has become taboo for adults and children to talk about weaknesses. Admitting and discussing what we are not very good at can be just as important as what we are good at. The nonprofit Understood says recognizing that we need to improve shows kids how different we are and helps them recognize their strengths. Try using your family members as an example: “Dad is great at fixing broken things, but he’s not very good at cooking dinner.”

Practice balancing compliments

In the third season of Bluey, the famous heeler asks her mother why she is such a great draftsman and her father is not. It turns out that her father was disappointed as a child because a classmate told him that his drawings were terrible. Bluey’s mother, on the other hand, was encouraged by her own mother, who added an important distinction: “for a seven-year-old.”

While we’d generally advise against taking advice from a cartoon dog, Leaf agrees that it’s good to acknowledge when something is done well, but it’s also nice to say there’s always room for improvement.

“It’s a good balance,” she says. “If you stimulate that level of curiosity in a child, they will cope with it and will really enjoy the challenge.”

Don’t force talent

Your child may be naturally gifted at baseball, but instead of becoming the next Derek Jeter, they’d rather swing a virtual bat on their PlayStation. Instead of encouraging (or forcing) them to pursue a major league career, find out why they don’t like it.

“It could be because someone on the team was teasing me,” Leaf says. “It may have something to do with the coach. It could be due to something that might be robbing your child of joy – maybe he doesn’t like to compete.”

In other words, be curious, not pushy.

Manage their expectations

There is always a seed of doubt when we start learning something new or developing a skill, but criticism can lead to negativity becoming entrenched. This feeling can arise from high expectations, causing children to think they have done something wrong rather than learning from the experience.

Jerry Bubrick, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, recommends helping parents by setting achievable goals to boost their confidence: “It doesn’t lower our standards, but it does make our expectations more achievable.”

Make them question their thinking.

Children often think about their strengths and weaknesses in two ways: we can or cannot do something. They rarely give themselves the opportunity to change their mind on this matter. Teaching them to take time to reflect on how they adapt to challenges and criticism can help them become more independent and resilient, and avoid negativity. This concept is known as metacognition.

“Metacognitive thinking teaches us about ourselves,” learning coach Tamara Rozier told Child Mind Institute . “Reflecting on our thinking creates perspective—a perspective that leaves room for change.”

When kids get frustrated, try asking them open-ended, solution-oriented questions, such as, “How will you know when this drawing is finished?” or “How could you have handled this differently?” This will gradually change their attitude towards their weaknesses.