How to Help Your Child Recognize Toxic Friendships

We all want our children to be accepted, included in life, and to form special bonds with their peers. While children are still developing their social skills and learning how to express emotions, they may need adult guidance on how friendships should look and feel.

In her forthcoming book , How to Talk to Kids About Anything , Dr. Robin Silverman , child and adolescent development specialist, writes about friendships, including how to recognize the toxic dynamic your child might have with a friend.

When this works, friendships bring many benefits to children, Silverman writes, for example:

• increased self-esteem
• providing support
• stress reduction
• building a protective social force (against bullying or peer pressure)
• support for happiness and health

Six Types of Toxic Friendships

Unfortunately, childhood friendships can be toxic and harmful just like adult relationships. Silverman describes six behaviors of toxic friends, how to recognize them, and how to advise children to deal with them.

The controller is overbearing, rude and gives your child ultimatums. They may say, “You can’t do this” or “Give it to me or I won’t be your friend.” Silverman writes that you can help your child confront the Controller by reminding them:

• You are your own master.
• Good friends don’t “force” you to do anything.
• You decide how to become the best version of yourself.

Flake cancels plans, leaves your child in the dark, breaks promises, or removes your child from plans. They might say, “I forgot to call/text/meet” or “I didn’t get your message.” When your child is friends with the scale, remind him of these things:

• Being a trusted friend is an important part of being a good friend.
• We must be able to trust our friends.
• We all make mistakes from time to time, but constant flaking leaves us guessing and feeling uncomfortable.

The two-faced traitor gossips and talks behind someone’s back, but is nice to them in person. They may say, “Tell me what you really think of them, I won’t tell them” or “Did you hear what they said about you?” As a parent, you want to remind them:

• Good friends stand up for you and say nice things about you, whether you’re around or not.
• When someone gives a cute look at a person and then tells you nasty things about that person, that’s a red flag.
• What they do to you, they often do to you.

The User/Recipient always asks for a favor, but cannot help others. They give up their feelings, but they don’t know how to listen and can drain the energy of friends. They say things like “I need your help again”, “You have to help me” or “Can I copy your homework?” If your child is friends with the Taker, remind them of the following:

• Although friendships are not always equal, one person should not be completely give or take.
• Friendship is not about one person.
• You shouldn’t feel like you’re running from scratch and never being heard.

A hurtful child makes jokes that hurt your feelings and justifies it by saying that they were just joking. They might say, “You’re so sensitive” or “Don’t you get the jokes?” or “Just kidding, I didn’t mean it!” Support the child by telling him:

• A joke that makes you feel bad is not a good joke.
• While humor in friendships is pleasurable, jokes about others are toxic.
• When good friends know they hurt you, they immediately apologize and change their behavior.

A bully friend makes fun of your child, bullying him, calling him names, dismissing him, teasing him, or bossing him around. They might say, “I’ll hang out with you after school, but don’t talk to me at school”; “You’re such a crybaby, I was just joking”; “Congratulations on your ‘award’, nerd.” Tell your child:

• The person who makes you feel unsupported, unappreciated, disrespectful, and worthless is not a friend.
• You have the right to be around kind-hearted people who speak and act in ways that make you feel encouraged and important and who treat you with dignity.

Support for children during periods of “toxic friendship”

Kids who act like one of these toxic friends don’t necessarily mean harm, Silverman says.

“When social skills are not well developed, children’s desire to be part of a group or play with others can manifest as bossiness, an inability to pick up on other children’s stop signals (the joke has gone on too long), monopolize or prevent your child from making friends with others. Often this is not due to maliciousness, but rather not knowing how best to navigate a friendship,” she says. “You see this a lot in elementary school and certainly in high school when body changes, cognitive changes, emotional changes and social changes converge and most kids feel awkward and self-conscious.”

If spending time with this friend makes him feel bad or act differently than he wants, it might be time to help your child re-evaluate the friendship.

“It’s so hard to watch your child maintain a friendship that you know is toxic! Since our children are often away from school for many hours, it is very difficult to regulate who they spend time with at lunch, during recess and in the classroom,” says Silverman. “Unless the relationship is truly unhealthy and destructive, we can offer support, a springboard for discussion, and patience.”

She suggests asking the child what three qualities a good friend should have. Then ask which friends have these qualities. Remind them that a good friend should be reliable, supportive, consistent, and cooperative.

Silverman also suggests role-playing with your child to help them practice responding to a toxic friend’s behavior.

“It’s also good for your child to see how you yourself model this behavior with your friends and family members when someone doesn’t treat you with respect or kindness. And while it can be difficult, we also need to let our child speak for themselves with you, their safe person: “Mom, I need some space and I don’t want to talk right now.” “Dad, I don’t like it when you yell at me,” she says. “While it may be difficult to hear, if we want our children to be able to stand up for themselves and protect themselves, they need to start at home.”