Set Those Boundaries With an Overly Affectionate Child.

My youngest son tells me and his mother that he loves us very much . He then expects a hug after a verbal declaration of love. If we forget to hug him, he will kindly ask for a hug. Such situations happen not only at home, but also when we are on the street.

While I began to feel that his behavior bordered on overly affectionate, family therapist and leadership consultant Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio , licensed marriage and family therapist and author of The Simple Habits of Exceptional (But Not Perfect) Parents , explained that I would think that excessive behavior might be different for a different family depending on their culture.

Why are some children too affectionate

Don’t get me wrong, I love hugging both of my kids, but I’ve also noticed that my son acts like this when he’s a little worried or thinks we’re upset with him, which I noticed. reading is pretty standard. Dolan Del Vecchio agrees, but if this behavior bothers you, try talking to a family therapist to help sort out the problematic behavior.

“Part of it has to do with genetics, and a lot of it has to do with environment and habit,” says Dolan-Del Vecchio. “It’s important to remember this.”

Also, a colleague who is also a foster parent told me that one of her adopted sons would take the display of affection to the next level. He was so friendly that he went to the point of crossing boundaries with every stranger they met at the grocery store. She thinks it probably had to do with the trauma of moving from house to house and the fear of what would happen if there was no immediate connection with the adults around it. Dolan Del Vecchio says childhood trauma can manifest itself in unusual ways.

“If a child has had a trauma, it manifests itself in different ways,” he says. “It can go from stickiness to just really turning off and worrying about trying to trust.”

How to redirect your child’s overly affectionate behavior

Dolan del Vecchio makes it clear that over-attachment can be the result of a lack of social interaction. This caused “bizarre stimulation” in children of all ages, which became even more intermittent during the COVID lockdown. He believes that by looking at screens instead of interacting with other people face to face, they will look for stimulation and affection where they can get it.

“Children crave touch,” says Dolan Del Vecchio. “People have hands to grab and legs to move around. If we don’t touch other living beings, we miss it and we will jump to available living beings. It just makes sense. Children must be outside. They need to sort through trees of different textures. They need to touch the dirt. They are physiologically and evolutionarily not ready to touch only a flat screen.”

He also explains that overly affectionate children follow the example they are given from birth. Parents cannot respect their child’s physical boundaries because touch is how parents and children communicate. However, as children develop verbal skills, parents can use simple language to help set some limits, such as asking permission from a classmate before hugging them, or limiting hugs with friends at the beginning and end of the lesson.

“You show your kids that they own their bodies,” Dolan-Del Vecchio says. “It’s okay for you, as their parents, and for them, as children, to set limits on touch.”

In the case of my youngest son, whose over-attachment may be driven by anxiety, Dolan Del Vecchio suggests a change in direction. One way to do this is to sit him down and gently explain that you don’t want to engage in this behavior right now, and show him other ways to show love, like blowing a kiss or hugging a plush toy.

“You can say, ‘You know what? A punch, a kiss or a high-five is what you need right now,” says Dolan-Del Vecchio. And you do it kindly. You never treat a child in a way that hurts his self-esteem. You lead them the way they understand it as love.”

If you are a pet owner, your dog or cat can help your child learn the right behavior, as these animals are just as vulnerable as children. But whatever boundaries you set, Dolan del Vecchio emphasizes that you must remain consistent.

He says, “If they asked you to try something 600 times and then you gave in the 601st time, they learned how it works.”