How to Talk to Your Kids About LGBTQ+ Issues

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This post is part of our Big Conversations series, a guide to help parents navigate the most important conversations they will have with their children. Read more here .

If you want to raise children who support the LGBTQ community, are sensitive to the issues they face, and feel safe expressing their own identity, ration conversations about these topics at any age.

I spoke with John Sovek , therapist and author of Out: A Parent’s Guide to Support Your LGBTQIA+ Kid Through Coming Out and Beyond , about the big (and small) conversations about these issues with children. Here are his top three tips for raising children that are supportive and confident about sexual orientation and gender identity:

1. Talk openly and often about the experience of LGBTQIA+ people.

2. Be aware of how the expression of LGBTQIA+ supportive thoughts, actions and language influences and shapes how children will develop the same inclusive approach towards themselves and their friends.

3. Know that this is an ongoing conversation and, as parents, be available when these questions and curiosity arise.

Understanding terms and abbreviations

If you feel like you need to brush up on LGBTQ jargon, this is a good resource . Remember that language is always growing and evolving. If you or your child hears a term you don’t know, look it up and study it together. Also, the terms lesbian, gay, bi, trans, queer, questioner, intersex, and asexual can mean different things to different people.

“My biggest piece of advice if kids are asking questions about gender and identity is not to close them,” said Andy Passhir, author of Gender Identity for Kids: A Book on Finding Yourself, Understanding Others, and Respecting Everyone! “And if you don’t have the answers, go looking for them together.”

From birth, children are exposed to gender stereotypes and messages that heterosexual relationships are “normal”. You can counteract this by making sure that the books and media your family consumes represent diversity in gender representation and attitudes.

In its series of articles on how to talk to children about identity, Planned Parenthood invites you to start talking to preschoolers about different types of families, such as children raised by grandparents, single-parent families, families of different nationalities, or families with representatives same sex. parents. Pointing out that families and relationships are very different will help children accept people who are different from them.

Beware of gender stereotypes like “girls love pink” or “boys don’t wear nail polish.” When I hear one of these suggestions from my child, I immediately reply, “Some boys do that; some girls don’t. Nothing is really just for boys or only for girls.”

“I think it’s very important to challenge these ideas when they come up and talk to kids about gender, just so they know the options they’re given aren’t the only ones available,” Passhir said. “I think a lot of times parents think that topics about gender identity should only be talked about when someone in the family is transgender, but I don’t think that’s the case. Gender stereotypes are harmful to both cisgender and transgender people because they put us all in a box where we can be uncomfortable.”

Talking to teenagers and teenagers

Older children are more likely to learn about LGBTQ issues (such as legislation, protests, and discrimination) from the news or social media.

“While they may be aware of these complex issues, teens and teens may not have developed the ability to process them, and it is vital for parents to create a home environment in which these fears and anxieties can be openly discussed,” Sovek said. “As these difficult questions come to light, parents can use them as a catalyst to start a conversation with their children by simply asking them about their thoughts and feelings on these topics. Listen and learn about their ideas about these issues and intervene to alleviate any fears or anxieties that may have arisen from these thoughts.”

At any time during childhood or adolescence, children may experience the withdrawal of a friend or family member. The best way to teach your child to be a supportive ally is to show him that you are a supportive ally.

“A parent can model how to provide support by creating a home environment where conversations about LGBTQIA+ identity are just part of the family lexicon,” Sovek said. “Because parents create a home that openly discusses aspects of gender identity and sexual orientation, this will help children support their LGBTQIA+ friends and peers along the way.”

How to respond if your child asks questions or leaves

Sovek’s recommendation on how to respond to a question or an outspoken child is a simple two-step process:

  • Step 1: Hug your child (or express affection that both of you enjoy).
  • Step 2: Tell them you love them just the way they are.

“This turning point could lay a solid foundation for support so that the LGBTQIA+ child knows that their parent is there for them as they explore their gender identity and sexual orientation,” he said. “The next important step for parents is to be informed about the LGBTQIA+ experience so they can be an educated resource in supporting their child.”

There will be many opportunities to talk about this while your child is figuring out how he identifies and wants to express himself. Your openness to listening and acceptance will be your best tool in the conversation.

“I think parenting is ultimately about figuring out what’s right for you and your particular children, encouraging openness and empathy whenever we can,” Passhir said.

The list below provides resources to help you and your child learn more about LGBTQ issues.

LGBTQ Resources for Parents and Children

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