A Guide for Different Ages on How to Talk to Kids About Sex

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This post is part of our Big Conversations series, a guide to help parents navigate the most important conversations they will have with their children. Read more here .

Sex is perhaps the most important of all the parenting “talks” we need to have with our children. Of course, we’d rather they learn about sex from us than from friends, the internet, or pop culture. And the best way to do this – and overcome our own awkwardness about it – is to introduce language and concepts early on and develop them over the years in an age-appropriate way. Gone are the days of The Talk; We are now living in the age of micro-talk .

From the moment they hobble around and we teach them anatomically correct terms for body parts , to the moment they become teenagers who need to be well versed in consent and sexual abuse , we can build on their knowledge without suppressing it. . . Here’s how to talk about sex with kids of all ages.

How to talk to babies and toddlers about sex

Okay, you don’t talk to babies and toddlers about sex per se. But even before they speak, you should talk to them about their bodies using anatomically correct words like penis, vulva, vagina, and nipples, just like you use words like leg, arm, hand, and sole. This is the language they need if they want to communicate with you or a doctor about health issues or injuries, and they will have the words to describe any sexually unacceptable act they may experience at some point.

Nadine Thornhill , a Toronto-based sex educator, told Today’s Parent that parents of children this age should also avoid linking sexual biology to gender:

For example, drop the idea that all boys have penises and all girls have vaginas. Instead, say “People with penises” or “People with vaginas.” Thornhill explains that by observing your language now, you are laying the groundwork for easier conversations about gender roles and identities later.

How to talk to preschoolers about sex

Building on this early language, age 2 to 5 is the best time to lay the groundwork for children to understand physical boundaries and consent. You should not force your child to hug (or otherwise show physical affection) to anyone, not even Great Aunt Margaret, who is very insistent on getting that goodbye kiss. It is important to establish that they are in control of their body. As we wrote earlier :

This lays the groundwork for a clear understanding of consent and can affect the child’s relationship with his body – telling him that he controls who to hug, you are also telling him that his body belongs to her , and not to serve other people. feelings.

Parents should also teach their children to ask permission before touching another person. One easy way to do this is to simulate it yourself, such as asking for permission before tickling them and stopping as soon as they tell you to stop. And at this age, we should also explain that no one should ever ask or try to touch their genitals. (Here’s a guide to teaching kids the difference between secrets, confidentiality, and surprises .)

This is also the age to start teaching them about their personal lives. It’s okay for a baby to touch their genitals, but you can gently explain that while it’s perfectly okay to explore your own body, it should be done in the privacy of your bedroom or bathroom. Explain when it is appropriate to be naked (in the bath or during a doctor’s examination with parents present) and when it is not.

Finally, at this age, children may for the first time ask where the children are from. Here’s what Corey Silverberg, sex educator and author of What Makes a Baby , tells Parent Today magazine :

“The amount of detail you need to go into really depends on how much you think your child can understand.” If your child needs more information, you can try something like: “Two adults put their bodies together and share a sperm and egg to make a child like you, or sometimes they get a sperm or egg from someone else.” Silverberg adds that it’s okay to tell a child that some of the details, like how a sperm and an egg meet, will be discussed later. “It’s important not to lie.” He adds that it’s important to actually answer these questions, and not just refuse to talk about certain things.

Read these books by Corey Silverberg:

How to talk to children 6-8 years old about sex

At this age, you should continue to build on those early conversations about consent, privacy, and sexual abuse . The Children’s Committee runs the Hot Chocolate Talk Campaign , which includes a guide to starting a conversation with children ages 6-8 about sexual abuse, which is a great start. Also, you’ll want to start talking about online safety ( here’s a guide for that ) to set up rules ahead of time for talking to strangers online, as well as sharing photos and personal information. This will protect them as they get older and start spending more time unsupervised in digital spaces.

If you haven’t already, it might be time to explain the real mechanics of sex. In Today’s Parents, Silverberg suggests including a good book to help anticipate your child’s questions; Sex education expert and writer Shafiah Zalum compiled this list of her favorites for Common Sense Media . It’s also helpful to look for everyday moments that you can use to start these conversations, like when a friend or family member announces they’re pregnant. You can ask your child what they know about how babies are born and answer any questions they have in a direct and age appropriate way.

Talking about sex can also be a natural transition to talking about puberty , especially if you’re starting to notice early signs that it’s coming, or if they have friends who are starting to experience it. ( According to KidsHealth, some girls start puberty as early as 8 years old and some boys as early as 9, so you may need to start these conversations sooner than you think.) Parents should definitely talk to girls about menstruation. before the onset of menstruation, so that they are not frightened by the sight and location of the blood when it begins.

Parents should also keep in mind that although children receive some sex education in school, boys and girls are often taught separately and the conversation is directed towards what they will experience. It’s important to make sure we fill in the gaps so girls understand the changes boys go through and vice versa.

How to talk to teens about sex

If you haven’t talked to your teens about puberty yet, now is the time to start. Books also come in handy here: American Girl’s The Care & Keeping of You covers topics like bras, periods, and hair care, while Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys provides tips and facts from pediatrician Kara Natterson on topics like topics like voice changes, feeling unwell. breathing, shaving and acne.

At this age, teenagers should have a fairly clear understanding of what sex is and that it can lead to pregnancy or STDs. It is important to explain the risks associated with sex and talk about how to make safer choices. Planned Parenthood recommends that you consider these things before you begin:

Before you speak, think about your values ​​and what you want for your children: when do you think they can have sex, like kissing and touching? How far into the future do you think it will be okay for them to think about sex? What milestones do you want them to reach before sex (beginning a love relationship, being ready for birth control and condoms, being in a certain class or out of school, etc.)? Knowing exactly where you are helps you send clear messages during these conversations.

It’s important to make sure teens know that masturbation is completely normal and normal (as long as they do it in private). Don’t say anything that might make him feel ashamed or guilty about masturbating. If you don’t already knock before entering their bedroom, it’s time to start. And if you spot them masturbating, Planned Parenthood suggests just saying, “Sorry, I had to knock,” and then telling them later that you’ll be more careful about their private lives in the future.

At this age, you should also start talking about sexism and sexualization – examples of this abound in the media and in your own community, once you really start looking for them. As we wrote earlier :

As children grow older, we must empower boys and girls to identify and report on sexism and gender discrimination when they see it. Both boys and girls should be encouraged to actively support women’s equality. Making friends with your daughter, for example by attending a women’s march, is great, but it’s even better to bring her father and brother with you.

And finally, yes, it may seem young, but you need to talk to them about not sharing nude or explicitly sexual photos , and you need to talk to them about porn. As we said , most kids these years come across porn online and you want them to know what it is before it happens. Just like actors play characters on their favorite TV shows, explain that people who have sex on camera are acting. What they see is not sex between couples who love or care for each other, and this is not typical of a loving, committed relationship.

The two best books for teens about puberty are:

How to talk to teens about sex

By the time kids reach adolescence, we’re back where we started years ago: it’s time to really focus on the consent component of sex. As we wrote earlier :

Outline what “affirmative consent” looks like – remember, the mantra is no longer “no means no” but “yes means yes”. Tell your teens that they should look for enthusiasm in a partner, and nothing less. Use TV shows and movies as conversation starters – today, 80s movies like Sixteen Candles may seem obnoxious and outdated, but they can also be a launching pad for deeper discussions on topics like the myth of the “hard-to-reach” woman , the role of alcohol, and how bystanders contribute to bad behavior.

It is also important for teenagers to have ” sexual competence “. The goal is that by the time they first have sex, we as parents have done our best to help them really feel ready in terms of protection, consent, safety and timing. You should also talk to them about sexual abuse , including the importance of bystander intervention and what to do if they see someone in danger.

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