What to Do If You Think Your Child Is Being Unfairly Punished at School

Sometimes your child gets into a situation that requires him to “fix” or even sometimes “repent”. Often you will be the one to hand out those consequences . However, once your child is in school, there may come a time when they “get in trouble” and you get that awful call from the office or the teacher. What should you do if you or your child feel the consequences of your actions are unfair or unreasonable? We spoke to experts about how best to deal with this difficult situation.

Check yourself before you react

Before you start asking each person’s opinion on this story, check yourself. “Above all, I want every parent of ‘this kid’ to know that they are not alone and their child is not broken,” says Dinah Abraham , teacher, parenting expert and author of the Superkids Activity Guide to Conquerowing Everyday . Sensory Processing 101 and the upcoming book Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Safe Roadmap for Raising Even the Most Difficult Children , based on her popular workshop of the same name . Abraham says, “The world is still adapting and learning to create an environment in which our children can thrive.”

While it’s hard to suppress your own sense of justice, try to keep yourself in check. “Despite the desire to intervene and attack school officials, telling them what to do and how to do it and not, I urge you to drop the accusations and speeches for the time being,” says Abraham.

Mindful of the failures of our society, Abraham urges parents: “When something happens between your child and the school that feels unfair, it is important that the first thing you do before calling or talking to any school official is to ground yourself. It is extremely important to check your own thoughts and feelings about the situation first.” She says parents can keep a diary and reflect on their feelings of shame and anger, “why the punishment feels unfair, what works at home, and what you would do differently.” From there, you can contact the school, camp or daycare.

Know your rights and get the facts

It is important to know your parental rights when it comes to discipline and your child. Laws vary by location (public school, private camp, or daycare) and state, so “If you’re not sure what rules and regulations apply to discipline in your state, call the state education department and ask for help.” says Paulette Selman, a school psychologist and special education advocate in Oregon and Washington . However, she said, “You usually have the right to appeal a disciplinary decision.”

Try to find the person with whom it is best to contact, based on the situation and the situation. In a school, this might be the principal, but in a kindergarten, it could be your child’s teacher or the kindergarten director.

“Request a call to get all the information you need about the incident and express your concerns about disciplinary action,” Selman suggests. “Remember that school personnel cannot give you details about another child’s behavior or discipline, so you will not be told how discipline was applied to other children involved.”

Be sure to get multiple points of view. “Get information from both your child and the school before making any assumptions,” says Abraham. “It may take more than one meeting, but this deep dive into all the parts that led up to the ‘incident’ that forced the school to punish the child will allow you and the school to fully understand the magnitude of the situation and create future plans that will work better than the proposed punishment.” .

Once you know the basics of the situation, you can move on to your concerns or make a plan to talk about the situation once you’ve thought it through.

Success Strategies

While you are understandably concerned about your child, there are several ways to talk about difficult disciplinary decisions that are more likely to encourage cooperation.

“Start the conversation with what is currently working well and what you think they are trying to do,” says Abraham. “Appreciate their hard work and what they are trying to do with your child.” This establishes common ground and reminds all parties that you are here in the best interests of the child.

Let them talk about the situation first. Abraham says, “Listening to their concerns, listening to their core desires and what they ultimately want for your child, and finding common goals that you each have for your child” will set you up for greater success when you introduce your own. point of view. When you talk about something you may not agree with about a situation, “try to be clear and respectful about your concern and have a plan in place if the problem reoccurs,” says Selman. Focusing on the future helps to move away from this incident and sets the child up to avoid similar situations in the future.

When you still don’t feel it’s fair

The school may or may not or is unwilling to revoke the current order. If the punishment seems too harsh or completely unreasonable to you, make sure you know exactly what the school is allowed to do. Suspension or other forms of “exclusive discipline” may or may not be best practice or permitted.

You need to look at your child’s specific situation. Selman says: “Many states have taken action to decide how schools enforce discipline and have set out guidelines for schools to follow. If your child has a disability or you suspect they may have a disability, or if they have a special education plan or a 504 placement plan, additional rules apply that limit disciplinary options. Students with special education or 504 plans have rights that limit the number of days they can be suspended for disciplinary action, especially if the behavior was related to their disability.”

As restrictive discipline is disproportionately applied to students of color and students with disabilities, many schools are instead moving to a “restorative justice model,” which means “helping a child repair relationships that have been affected by their behavior, such as writing a written statement.” an apology note to a teacher or classmate,” Selman says. The beauty of restorative justice, she says, is that it ” uses the ‘learning moment’ and natural consequences to help the child learn how their behavior affects others rather than the old-school emphasis on obedience and punishment.” You can ask for restorative justice for your child in lieu of other forms of punishment.

Hopefully this will be a smooth process that, as Abraham says, “empowers both you, your child, and the school with a plan that works towards the goals everyone sets for your child.” But Selman says, especially when it comes to disability: “If the behavior is repetitive, the team needs to address the behavior and ways to prevent and respond to it.” If you still feel like your child’s needs aren’t being met, Selman says that’s when you can contact a lawyer.