Teach Your Kids the Difference Between Real Worry and a “trick”

Anxiety is hard enough to deal with when you have the life experience to tell real threats from imagined ones. We adults may know that the chances of an alien invasion are very small, but in your child’s mind, this may seem quite plausible.

If your child is prone to anxious thoughts, you can help them cope by sorting the worries according to how realistic they are. Child psychologist Dr. Emily W. King calls them “real” and “fraudulent” anxiety. Real anxiety is something that can happen, like failing a test or getting injured while playing sports. Trick worries are things that don’t pose a real threat, like monsters in the closet or zombie attacks.

“As adults, we recognize ‘real worry’ as something that might happen and ‘false worry’ as an irrational fear because it’s impossible or unlikely. It’s helpful to make that distinction for kids as well,” King said.

Real worries vs. false worries

To help children begin to notice the difference, introduce them to the science of the brain.

“We can teach children the thought part of their brain, the upper cortex, to determine whether anxiety is a hoax or real, to accurately assess the risk they are taking, and decide what to do next,” King said.

The amygdala, according to King, is responsible for feelings, but can overreact to stories you’ve heard, photos and videos you’ve seen, or past scary experiences.

“The tricky part is that we can’t always access our rational thinking if our amygdala is on high alert,” she said. “This is where secure, connected relationships come into play that help regulate us emotionally.”

Children may worry about their safety or fear that something bad might happen at any time, especially in unfamiliar situations, when they are tired, or when they see or hear about something dangerous. Anxiety may occur at bedtime, before tests and new experiences, or when children are separated from their caregivers. Which fears are real, and which tricks?

“Examples for children can explain that if there is thunder and lightning when they are playing outside, they are really worried about the lightning, so they run inside. This is a real danger,” King said. “The trick to worry would be to think that there are monsters in your closet, or to worry that a burglar will come into your house every night. Yes, burglars are real, but the likelihood of this happening is often out of proportion to the level of anxiety a child feels.”

How to help children deal with their anxieties

Here are some ways to help kids feel safe and connected:

• Remind them how we protect them and ourselves. For example, if they are concerned about car accidents, remind them how the rules of the road, seat belts, and airbags keep us safe.
• Come up with a safety plan for scenarios that scare them, such as storms, fires, or swimming.
• For kids who are worried about making mistakes or failures, remind them that making mistakes is okay and you can actually learn from them.
• If bedtime and darkness are a concern, make darkness fun by playing with flashlights or creating shadow puppets. You don’t have to play in the dark right before bed so your child can connect with you between darkness and fun.

“Parents can draw on their relationship with their child to remind them of all the ways they’re already safe when they’re anxious about a ploy that’s possible but unlikely,” King said.

Try these steps to help kids deal with real and false worries:

1. Regulate . Try to regulate your body through breathing exercises, stretching, or movement. The most beneficial movement will depend on what makes your child feel better, so try a few.
2. Educate . Explain the difference between real and false anxiety, what things can and are unlikely to happen, how their brain interprets anxiety when they are emotional, tired or under pressure.
3. List . Some children may want to write down a list of their real and false worries in order to distinguish between them and feel power over them. While some children may feel better listing their worries at the moment, it may cause others more anxiety. “Know your kids and when they are at their best—rested and focused—to process those ideas,” King said.
4. normalize . “Help kids understand that their brains are constantly adjusting to new situations and it’s normal to feel insecure at first,” King said. “Uncertainty does not always mean danger.”
5. Reconsider . After your child has gone through a “daring” experience, test it to see if their anxiety has lessened. “If that’s the case, it will give them confidence the next time they’re brave,” King said. “If not, keep an eye on it and maybe consult with a mental health professional.”

Practicing these steps will help you and your child develop shorthand for assessing your concerns as they arise. Is it imaginary? This is the trick of anxiety. Is this highly unlikely? Also a trick to worry. Is it possible? It’s a real worry, but here’s how you’re protected from it, and how you can regulate your feelings for now.