Helping Your Child Develop Frustration Tolerance

Life doesn’t always go your way . This is one of the most difficult and universal lessons we learn as we move from infancy to childhood and then to adulthood. While it’s normal for a young child to throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want when they want it, as kids get older, the ability to tolerate discomfort becomes an important skill to learn. They need to wait their turn, lose gracefully, deal with hunger, sensory stimulation, and have someone on their side in someone else’s argument.

If your child seems to lose his cool more often than his peers, or can’t “handle” irritation or irritation in a developmentally appropriate way, you can help him develop frustration tolerance. We spoke with psychiatrist and parent coach Jess Bichkofksy about how you can help your child develop these skills.

Revealing frustration before they explode

You know what a tantrum looks like , but to help your child develop a tolerance for frustration, start noticing the early signs that he is overwhelmed and likely to despair. Then help them start noticing how they feel in those moments so they can find ways to deal with the situation. “Children need to be able to recognize when they get upset so they can apply skills to help them deal with it,” says Bichkofsky.

Some common signs of growing frustration or general low frustration tolerance include:

• Restlessness or fidgeting
• Negative self-talk (“I can’t do it”, “I’m stupid”).
• Avoidance of certain tasks
• Surrender quickly
• Irritability
• Exaggerating discomfort (“This is killing me!”)
• Crying more than seems normal
• Aggression (physical and/or verbal)

“Frustration tolerance can be a real pain for adults, but it can be even more difficult for children because they are constantly learning about their emotions as they try to develop academic, athletic, social and individual skills,” says Bichkofsky. This is why you often see a significant amount of emotional turmoil when a child is learning a new or challenging task.

How to talk to an upset child

If you’ve ever tried to approach a child who is on the verge of frustration, you know that they are like a little emotional bombshell. One wrong move and you’ve completely lost them. They would rather give up for good than try again. Bichkofsky says to expect a rebuff, even if you approach cautiously. “It is unlikely that your child will be very grateful and immediately apply the technique,” ​​she says.

If your child is escalating rapidly, there is no point in pushing him to the point of exploding. “Have a rest! Walking away from a task, even a very short one, can help them gain a new perspective, and a fresh perspective can do wonders,” says Bichkofsky. From there, if they give in, stay in the space, but use a mindfulness skill, hopefully one you’ve acquired in the past, such as deep breathing, noticing the space around you, or other skills such as box breathing . A complete retreat might be a good idea. “Get moving! Get some exercise, go for a run, tinker around the house, get your heart rate up, and kick some of those stress chemicals out so they can get back to things refreshed and refreshed,” says Bichkofsky.

Before returning to the task, be sure to check in using positive self-talk and focus on the language of the growth mindset . “Remember, BYE is one of the most amazing words for this transition,” she says. When your child uses the negative self-talk, “I can’t do that,” you might object, “You can’t do that… yet!”

How to develop good frustration habits

Model both frustration and frustration tolerance at every moment of your daily life. “Voice out your frustration and then use some ‘tolerance’ skills to show the kids how it works and how it really helps. It also normalizes the experience, which can create more opportunities to ask for help and not feel weird about it,” says Bichkofsky. This method is good for simulating “sitting in discomfort” such as waiting or physical discomfort such as being very hot or hungry. You can talk about how you don’t like it, but there’s nothing you can do about it and you’ll get over it. By doing this without being tied to your child’s frustration, you will make it a less edgy and more normal lifestyle.

When you’re about to embark on a new task, break it down into manageable chunks . Teachers often do this with assignments, either by creating sections or by having each section build on previous knowledge. Having your child take the lead in making “pieces” or “scaffolding” is a good way to create self-advocacy. “Your child already knows how to do a lot of things, so ask him to break down what he is trying to learn into as many pieces as possible that he already knows how to do,” Bitchkofsky says. “It also helps shape those positive thoughts because they are reminders of everything related to that task that they can do.”

When frustration inevitably arises, remind them of times they have faced disappointment before and how they have overcome it by being patient with themselves and using their mindfulness skills, breaking down or anything else that has helped them get through. This. Go back in time to something as simple as when they learned to ride a bike or even walk if it makes them laugh. Laughter will at least dispel their frustration.