How to Sell Your Soul to the Devil

Posted on April 26, 2023 by resourcefulman

Once, when I was drinking in a bar in Boston, a stranger offered me a beer in exchange for my soul. She showed me a small stack of bar napkins she had collected with people’s names written on them; each represented someone who had given her their soul in exchange for cheap beer. Despite the fact that I was drunk and did not believe in anything, I refused the offer. Of course, I thought, she was almost certainly a college student with a peculiar sense of humor. But what if she isn’t ?

The idea of making a deal with the devil—exchanging one’s immortal soul for a worldly reward—goes back at least to the New Testament story in which Satan tempts Jesus in the wilderness. He appears throughout the story, from the story of Faust to that episode of The Simpsons , where Homer trades an eternity in Hell for a donut. Though it’s a hackneyed topic, the idea is still strong enough to cause a sense of unease in a Boston tavern.

Whether selling your soul is a legitimate deal that can actually be made with a supernatural entity cannot really be determined. I’d say it’s all nonsense, but my drunken encounter at the bar suggests that I’m not entirely sure. Rationally, I know it’s stupid, but the idea itself is powerful enough that I won’t even pretend to sell my soul to anyone (although if I did, I’d negotiate a higher price than plain beer). But it’s me. I will not question the reasons why you seek to make a deal with the Devil; I am only here to help you reach your goal.

Real people who allegedly sold their souls

Supposedly, many people have made deals with Satan over the centuries. Pope Sylvester II allegedly traded his soul for a female demon named Meridiana in exchange for becoming a pontiff. Both violinist Niccolò Paganini and blues icon Robert Johnson are said to have sold their souls to avoid playing scales. But there are few details in all these stories – maybe you need to meet Old Scratch at the crossroads, like Johnson; maybe you need to say mass in Jerusalem like Sylvester II; or maybe you need to buy Twitter.

As and when I delved into the mechanics of summoning a demon in order to clarify the steps involved in making a pact with the Dark One, I returned to the source of much of our modern understanding of the Devil’s relationship with humans, an old school book called Malleus Maleficarum (also known as The Hammer of the Witches). » ). Dominican friar Heinrich Cramer’s seminal 1486 tome not only lays out how to identify, judge, and punish witches (and, to a lesser extent, sorcerers), it also offers clear instructions for making a deal with the Devil.

Two ways to sell your soul to the devil

Although Cramer’s book is the source of many of our most enduring beliefs about Satan and witchcraft, it is not entirely accurate. On the contrary, it is a catalog of misogynistic feverish dreams of a frustrated man, which provided the basis for the oppression and murder of thousands of innocent people (mostly women) over the centuries. But we wanted an evil book, and there is no greater evil.

The Malleus Maleficarum describes two methods of selling the soul to the Devil. The first requires a group of like-minded people to help you, but if you are not a carpenter, there is also a do-it-yourself instruction.

Selling your soul to the Devil as part of a coven

Contrary to the popular notion of pacts with demons as solitary rituals performed in dark bedrooms, offering your immortal soul to the Dark Lord can be a fun social outing – perfect if you want to make new friends. Your coven should be very helpful in planning and clarifying the details on the appointed day. (If not, find a new group of blasphemers.)

According to the Malleus Maleficarum , here’s how one can sell one’s soul by becoming part of a satanic coven.

Find a group of witches and/or wizards and ask them about their next conclave. If they respond to your request with something like, “What are you talking about? Our sole purpose is to honor the earth, the elements and the spirits that dwell within it,” sorry: you did find a group of Wicca practitioners and you should stop bothering them. You want to find a group of warlocks and witches practicing black magic . Don’t let the fact that these groups only exist in the imagination of 15th-century Dominican friars (and their modern-day equivalents) discourage you.
Come to the ceremony with your new friends. The actual dates, times, and associated rituals are known only to members of the coven, but the coven should be very helpful in planning and clarifying the details on the appointed day. (If not, find a new group of blasphemers.)
At some point during the conclave, the Devil will appear in human form and address the group. I suggest that he start with lighthearted opening remarks before getting down to business and urging the group to keep faith in him and remind everyone of the prosperity and long life he offers.
The Devil will then ask if there are newcomers in the audience today, urging the believers to “recommend the newcomer for his acceptance.” This is your big moment!
Step forward. The devil will ask if you will leave the holy Christian religion and the worship of the Anomalous Wife (as the Virgin Mary is called) and swear never to worship the Sacraments.
Say “Damn, yeah!” (Don’t waste your time here. Satan is busy.)
The devil will reach out. You must do the same.
Raise your hand and swear to keep the covenant.
The devil will respond with something like “Not good enough” and tell you the rest, explaining that you must give yourself to him, “body and soul, forever” and do your best to bring others both. sexes in his power.
After you say “of course, excellent,” the Devil will add a final caveat: you should “make certain ointments from the bones and limbs of children, especially baptized ones; By all means, with his help, she will be able to fulfill all her desires.
Once you agree to kill a child, you are serving the Devil (except for your preparation of said ointments, I suppose). Hello Satan! I guess there are refreshments and small talk after.

Sell your soul to the devil solo

If the idea of spending a Saturday night with a bunch of evil-ridden cultists gives you social anxiety, don’t worry: introverts can still make a pact with the Devil. Here is a convenient way for a loner to sell his soul to Satan.

Enter the church on Sunday. It must be a Catholic church, and it must be “before the blessing of the holy water,” so talk to your local priest about his holy water schedule. But don’t tell him why you ask!
Once there, you must “deny Christ, His Faith, baptism, and the whole Church.”
Don’t forget to “pay your respects to the Little Master”. WHO? “That’s what they call the Devil.” Oh.
The Lord of All Evil may or may not appear to you at this time. According to the Malleus Maleficarum , “It does not matter whether the Devil himself is present or not when he is venerated. To do this, he does this in his cunning, noticing the temperament of the novice, who may be frightened by his actual presence and renounce his vows. This is a thoughtful touch for introverts.
Congratulations! You are now a servant of evil.

Enjoy your newfound strength

Making ointments from the bones and limbs of children and suffering eternal damnation may seem like a high price, but once you consider your new abilities, I’m sure you won’t regret the deal you made. Unlike popular soul trading stories, according to Hammer of the Witches , you can’t negotiate your rewards, but the Template Contract gives you some very impressive new abilities. Devil worshipers can:

Raise hail and destructive storms and lightning.
Cause infertility in humans and animals.
Throw children walking by the water into the water.
Drive horses crazy under riders.
To move from place to place through the air, either in the body or in the imagination (a kind of robbery. According to Reading Rainbow , I can already move from place to place with the help of my imagination.)
Influence judges and magistrates so that they cannot harm them. (Which didn’t seem to work during the Inquisition.)
To force oneself and others to remain silent under torture.
They cause great trepidation in the hands and horror in the minds of those who will arrest them.
Show others occult things and certain future events according to the information of the devils.
Look at missing things as if they were present.
Strike whoever you wish with lightning.
To kill babies in the womb with a simple external touch.
Captivate people and animals with just a glance.

“But can I make someone’s penis disappear?”

Judging by the amount of space devoted to this topic in the Malleus Maleficarum, the question of whether devil worshipers can make people disappear is one of the most important theological questions facing humanity. To solve the problem: once you make a dark pact, you can make the penises disappear.

In fact, you will have two methods for removing the penis. You can make the penis disappear thanks to “the tricks of conjurers and ventriloquists,” or you can (with the help of the Devil) literally do away with the organ. It’s up to you. As Kramer put it, “There is no doubt that some witches can work wonders with male organs.”

What happens if you refuse a deal?

There may come a time when you get tired of stealing penises and want to back out of a deal. It’s not recommended – the terms you agreed to are worse than those of your student loans, since suffering in hell is a long time – but if you can find a way to do it, you should. Normally I’m against breaking contracts on ethical grounds, but in this case it’s probably okay (also predatory gym memberships).

Stories about canceled deals with the Devil often revolve around loopholes in the contract. Within the Catholic framework of the search for redemption, it is enough to save Faust from the deal he made. From a purely legal point of view, you can try Daniel Webster’s approach and argue that America’s ideals are superior even to the power of Satan. Or you could play the violin really well .

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