How to React When Your Child Shuts You Out

Parenting experts tell us that connecting with our kids is the key to building successful relationships with them, but kids and teens have a special talent for hitting the “off” button when the interaction gets tough. At such times, your child may reject your attempts to communicate with him in one of several ways, and identifying his type of resistance can help you figure out how to overcome it.

Tish Taylor, child psychologist and author of Parenting Connection: Creating Social and Emotional Health in Children and Adolescents, identified 6 types of ” separating ” personalities that your child or teen can take on in moments of conflict. As the book says, “Disconnectors are a group of characters who, when they experience emotion in a situation, express frustration, annoyance, and anger. Disconnectors tend to retreat or fight, but their actions do not bring resolve.” Taylor offers tips on how to recognize and respond to each disconnect character. The next time you run into one of them in a difficult situation with your child, here are suggestions for how to respond.

Fighter

What a spirit your baby has! But raising a little fighter can tire you out. Here’s how to recognize when your child is a Fighter and how to respond to it. A fighter can:

• Try to hurt you or others with “offensive words”.
• Cross out by bringing up a particularly painful memory or by trying to destroy something important to you.
• Strive for power by making yourself feel inferior to them.
• Overpower the situation with ruthless negativity.

You can react by being defensive, agreeing to what they want, or inflicting severe punishment. Instead, try one of the following tactics:

• Slow down and don’t react right away. Try to understand that the Fighter is acting out of a lack of emotional control and perspective.
• Leave some physical space between yourself and the Slayer.
• Listen and express your desire to understand how they feel.

Deflector

If your child throws away a Teflon shield during moments of conflict, it might look like this:

• Expression “It’s not my fault” or unwillingness to see your point of view.
• Blaming you or someone else.
• They argue to protect themselves, perhaps to the point of not allowing two-way communication.

You can react to the Deflector by debating, getting upset, or giving up. Instead, try this:

• Ask yourself if there is anything useful in the argument. If not, say, “I don’t want to argue. We may disagree.”
• Encourage them to understand that there are multiple perspectives on a situation, acknowledging how they feel and how you feel.
• Take time out if you feel frustrated or angry. Return to the discussion when both of you have calmed down.

Insulator

When your child acts like an insulator, he simply does not want to communicate with you. They operate through:

• Physically isolate their bodies by covering their ears or squeezing them to avoid interaction.
• Avoiding the situation.
• Rejection by shouting or not listening.

You may understandably feel confused or frustrated, or try to talk them into participating. Instead, try the following methods:

• Help them feel cared for by saying, “I want to work this out with you” or “Your feelings matter in this situation.”
• Tell them that you want to help and are ready to communicate by listening to each other. Be patient as they move from strong emotions to the ability to communicate calmly.
• Try humor to connect and lift your spirits.

Never

When they take on this character, your child is essentially a breathing STOP sign. They react:

• Ignores directions or pretends to be preoccupied with something else so they can’t hear what you’re saying.
• Postponing actions or declaring that they will “do it in a minute.”
• Direct waiver.

You can respond to No Way behavior with coercion, punishment, or yelling. Try this instead:

• Try to figure out why asking them is stressed or overwhelmed so you can help.
• Notice if the feeling of disrespect causes you to engage in a power struggle. Instead, respond with predetermined consequences for refusing to comply.
• Wait a minute and then calmly repeat the request.

Grumpmaster

If Grumpmeister appears in one of these moods, it might look like this:

• They become visibly irritated and impatient.
• They can’t stop themselves from the generally negative responses.
• They are unable to perform simple daily tasks due to low motivation.

When dealing with Grumpmeister, you can either appease him, become his cheerleader, or avoid him altogether. Try these reactions:

• Are there any underlying reasons why they are in such a gloomy mood, such as lack of sleep, illness, or stress? Recognize and eliminate the root cause.
• Remind them that you want to help.
• Take time out to let the irritation subside.

One way street

Your child is acting like a one-way street and you are going in the wrong direction. Look for this behavior:

• Inflexibility and unwillingness to see one’s position.
• Repeating the same answer, so communication is not possible.
• Stubbornness and the desire to argue.

Naturally, you may want to get into an argument, feel annoyed, or avoid the situation. Here are some more helpful answers:

• Gently share your point of view by saying, “Could you consider another opinion on this?” or “I don’t think about it the way you do. Can I tell you what I think?
• Say that you want to understand and reformulate your feelings.
• Use a Venn diagram to show them that your different points of view also have some common ground.

Children and teens can show withdrawal by being irritable, defensive, avoidant, blaming, or neglectful, Taylor writes. Once you understand which Disconnector you are dealing with, you can practice using the most effective coping techniques to solve problems.

And one last piece of advice for parents: beware of situations where you (or other adults in your life) act like a disconnector. You can also be the reason communication breaks down in stressful parenting situations.

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