How to Teach Children to Better Cope With Life’s Disappointments
Her brother ate the last two Oreos instead of leaving one for her. Dad told me not to watch TV right before bed anymore. He tested positive for COVID at the last minute and is unable to travel on his scheduled spring break trip. A broken arm means the baseball season is over until next year. Frustration can take endless forms for a child. While you can’t keep them from getting frustrated, you can teach them how to deal with it so they get stronger as they get older.
Children today may have more disappointments than previous cohorts, given how the pandemic has canceled or drastically changed two years of their childhood. Even with all this experience, all children, from toddlers to teenagers, still need the help of their parents to learn the skills to process their emotions.
“It’s okay to be disappointed, and it’s your job as a parent to make sure your child never gets frustrated,” therapist Lynn Lyons said on her Flusterclux podcast. She gave advice to parents on how to help kids deal with frustration by holding back annoying behaviors like blaming, whining and pouting.
What to do if your child is disappointed
First, start with empathy. Try saying one of these affirmative phrases:
- “I understand how you feel.”
- I understand that this is disappointing.
- If I were you, I’d be disappointed too.
Stuff your back pocket with these popular phrases to help kids verbalize their feelings and show that you understand and support them even when they have negative feelings.
You must also allow them to express their emotions while acknowledging the reality of the situation. Lyons suggests saying, “I know you’re disappointed, and the fact remains that we can’t go to the water park in a thunderstorm.”
After you empathize and validate their feelings, move on to problem solving. You don’t solve a problem by overcoming frustration. Instead, work with your child to ask what they could do instead. What could they have done differently to avoid that disappointment next time? What are reasonable expectations if you can’t control everything?
Your young child may have developed the habit of whining or pouting when they don’t get what they want. Now is the time to correct this behavior, not reinforce it by giving in.
“Whining is a learned behavior. And one of the reasons kids whine is because it’s really effective,” Lyons said. Giving in to whining can help you avoid a difficult parenting moment, but it will backfire in the long run.
“That’s when you’ll teach them how to get you to take over their feelings, how to get you to step in and do what they want, to make them feel better,” Lyons said. “You support them, but you cannot intervene to make their feelings disappear. It’s not your job and it’s unhealthy.”
Instead of getting irritated, fight this behavior by saying, “You’re frustrated and whining to get me to change the situation. This behavior will not change the outcome.” Ask your child to help you come up with alternative activities or redirect him to something that usually brings him satisfaction. (For example, a recent study found that drawing improved children’s moods after being disappointed.)
You can also teach them some self-soothing skills that will help soothe frustration instead of whining.
What not to do when your child is disappointed
Don’t downplay or try to talk them out of disappointment, and don’t encourage your child to put on a happy face or hide their disappointment. A 2020 study found that children who put on a happy face instead of expressing disappointment subsequently experienced cognitive impairment because using self-control to cover up disappointment leads to “ego depletion.”
“The ability to endure when things go wrong is a very important skill,” Lyons said.
Don’t bribe or try to alleviate their disappointment with treats and rewards, and be sure to be mindful of your own reaction to disappointment. Do you have adult tantrums, pout, blame or whine? Try to model overcoming disappointment by acknowledging how you feel, looking for solutions, and managing expectations so you can recover and move on.
Special Cases of Dealing with Frustration
Lyons said that in her experience as a therapist, people (including children) who suffer from anxiety may have a harder time dealing with frustration because they tend to be rigid. Consider whether anxiety might be at the root of the problem if frustration has become an obstacle that your child simply cannot overcome.
It is also normal for very young children (before school age) to react to disappointment with tantrums. If you are dealing with a frustrated toddler, simplify your response. Use words to relate their great feelings to not getting what they wanted to help them learn emotional literacy. Be ready to offer comfort and hugs when the tantrum subsides.