What If You Tried to Say Yes to Your Kids More Often?
If you’re constantly saying no and feel like the bad guy in the family, it might be time to change your communication. An avalanche of “no” can cloud your bond with your kids, but there are ways to make “yes” a more regular part of your interactions without transferring all decision-making power to the youngest family members.
Former clinical psychologist Alice Boyes wrote about “5 Reasons to be a Yes Parent” for Psychology Today:
- To encourage creativity. Kids see so many possibilities in their imagination to cross – from “painting” with banana peels to sculpting tiny clay accessories for their stuffed animals, say yes to more to give them the freedom to imaginative play.
- Encourage the child to ask for what he wants. Children will stop asking if they expect a guaranteed no. Let them find surprise in an unexpected yes.
- By saying yes most of the time, they can help them deal with the occasional no. Children will trust you more if they understand that there is a good reason behind your “no”.
- If the kids are asking for what they want instead of being flattering, you have an opportunity to intervene. Wouldn’t you like to be able to put down a few newspapers before their very creative and brilliant art project is launched on the dinner table?
- Saying yes is liberating and inspiring for adults too. Let your child’s wild ideas remind you that you also have creative options in life.
However, we are not suggesting that you shower your child with “yes” indiscriminately in a way that will lead to anarchy in the home.
“Saying yes doesn’t mean letting your child do whatever they like, and it doesn’t mean being afraid to say no,” psychologist Vanessa Kahlon writes in her book How to Parent with Confidence . In the book, Kahlon shares strategies for creating more opportunities for positive interaction with your children.
Strategies to say “Yes!”
1. Provide a choice
Giving your child two or three options helps them feel in control and also guarantees an outcome you can say yes to. Instead of “Where do you want to play before we go home?” say, “Do you want to stop at the library park or the dinosaur park on your way home?”
“Create firm boundaries around what you are willing to accept and your answer will always be yes,” Kahlon wrote.
2. Say “Yes, when…”
Your child is asking for screen time but you don’t want to give in (or it’s just outside of your normal screen time range). See if you can say yes to getting a little child labor from them. Try: “Yes, you will have another 15 minutes in front of the screen after you clean your backpack and collect clothes and shoes for tomorrow’s school.”
3. Set up success
Think of every time you say yes as training and reinforcement for your child to strive for choices that you would support in the future.
“When you provide opportunities for positive choices, your kids will be more likely to choose options that you say yes to,” Kahlon wrote.
4. Choose your battles
If giving up on something as small as sleeping in their Halloween costume ruins your bedtime routine and brings tears, ask yourself if it’s worth it.
“What happens if you say yes to this? Looking at your day as a whole, looking at your family values, looking at your personal parenting philosophy, is that a big or small decision?” Kahlon wrote.
5. Play!
Take every opportunity to say yes to your child’s requests to play. No, we don’t like LEGO or Barbie drama, but a little one-on-one game goes a long way. “Ten minutes of purposeful play a day will greatly improve your relationship with your kids, which will surely increase the number of times you can say yes,” Kahlon wrote.
Say it with confidence
If you find yourself saying “no” a lot out of fear—fear of a mess, or breaking a routine, or “wrong” parenting in line with what everyone else expects—try boosting your self-confidence a little.
Kahlon said that if children feel that their parents are feeling insecure or insecure, they may experience anxiety and confusion. Confident parenting, on the other hand, makes children feel safe, loved, and valued.
“When parents are confident, they set a good example for their children by demonstrating the importance of self-confidence and self-esteem. Confident parents are also more likely to set clear rules and boundaries that will help create order and stability in the home,” Kahlon said.