Stop Teaching Kids to Say “sir” and “ma’am”
“Sir” has traditionally been considered an expression of respect for a man, especially a person of higher rank or authority. “Ma’am” has been in use since the 1600s for ” higher status women “. But what was once considered a respectful way of addressing someone may change over time; and it is, especially when it comes to deciding which of us has a higher authority or a higher status – and who considers himself sir or ma’am.
Although I grew up in rural Alabama with two Alabama parents, I was never taught to use the words “sir” and “ma’am”; and years later, as a parent, I understand that there are many reasons not to actively teach children how to use these words, but instead look for more modern ways to be polite and show respect to people of all ages and genders.
A few reasons to stop learning “sir” and “ma’am”
- This comes with a huge risk of gender misperceptions of transgender, nonbinary and gender nonconforming people.
- It often offends people who feel young but associate the word with age.
- According to psychology professor Sheri Levy , “ma’am” is inherently independent of age, but is commonly used with older women and can be offensive. On the other hand, she says, infantilizing older women with labels and terms of endearment (“honey,” “darling,” “honey”) is a form of gender ageism that is also often condescending.
- Children who grow up in an environment of implied mutual respect for everyone they meet are confused by special rules for certain people based on their age, gender, or geography .
- The wait is a disturbing throwback to the requirement that people of color say “sir” and “ma’am” to the white people they serve.
Is it about respect, reverence and obedience?
“Sir” and “Ma’am” devotees say that they expect children to say it to show respect, or that they say it to show respect (maybe someone in their family tree taught them manners, and, by God, they listened). But now I’m not sure if we’re talking about respect or reverence and obedience. Teaching children to be unquestioningly submissive and obedient is obviously problematic – as someone who is raising two girls, I actively want them to be loud and opinionated, and also expect respect for themselves. Historically, the distinction between who should say “sir” and “ma’am” (and the people who expect to hear it) has been divided along lines of class, race, age, and authority.
Instead of teaching children to constantly classify themselves into groups that deserve or do not deserve such respect, we should teach them to distinguish between when to be polite (most of the time, but not always) and how to be respectful with others. their words and actions in a way that does not make assumptions and potentially offend the person they are talking to.
Alternatives to sir and ma’am that are still polite
You can address someone politely and respectfully by simply dropping “sir” or “ma’am.” You can say “thank you” to someone who holds the door in front of you; shout “Sorry!” to attract the attention of someone who dropped something in front of you; and answer direct questions with a simple yes or no.
I spoke with Jacqueline Whitmore , etiquette expert and founder of the Palm Beach School of Protocol. She said she also grew up in the south and was taught to use the words “sir” and “ma’am”, but she doesn’t do that anymore.
“If I were teaching my kids today, I would teach them to say yes or no followed by a respectful address (Mr/Ms/Mx). For example, “Yes, Mr. Butler,” she said.
I know that although I tend to avoid using “ma’am” and “sir” so as not to offend people, there are people who will be offended by such a choice. My personal test of the usability of the words “ma’am” and “sir” in each case is who should say it and to whom, and does this indicate a one-way power dynamic? If yes, then I will pass.